Tim Quote #3334
Tim: And I just, you know, have to write the book.
Al: You've done nothing?
Tim: Yes! I've done a lot of things. You plan. There's planning involved. You don't just write a book. You gotta plan. Make plans. I made a lot of plans, you know? Like you gotta plan who you'd want to do it if they made a movie out of it.
Al: Okay, let me guess. Harrison Ford?
Tim: He knows his tools, but doesn't have my bone structure.
Al: So what's the deadline?
Tim: Monday morning. I have to have three chapters. Which gives me, of course, the entire weekend to crystallize my thoughts on love, life, tools, my fascination with them, yin-yang, the dharma of guyness.
Al: You have no idea what to write, do you?
Tim: I have no idea what to write!
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: You know, Tim, I'm reminded of the playwright George Bernard Shaw. He said, "The man who writes about himself in his own time is the only man who writes about all people and about all time."
Tim: Nice car. What were you just saying?
Wilson: Well, I'm just saying that it's a daunting task to write about all men, because no two men are exactly the same. You might be more successful writing about one man.
Tim: Like that famous guy Seymour Butts!
Wilson: Why do I even try?
Tim: I know what you're saying. I should just write about me, Tim "The Tool Man."
Quote from Tim
Tim: So in the spirit of international brotherhood, we have invited the president of a major Japanese corporation to be our guest, to show us some of their newest inventions. Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to Nobo Nakamura. Welcome to Tool Time. Or as they say in Japanese... [speaks Japanese]
Nobo: You just invited me to frolic in your trousers.
Tim: Well, in this light you're kind of an attractive man. [laughs]
Al: All right, Nobo. Why don't you show us what's new in Japanese high tech?
Nobo: I would be happy to, Al. Behold the future!
Tim: Um... Well, it appears to be a steel rod with a hand on it.
Nobo: It's called The Lazy Grabber. You can pick up stuff without having to leave your chair.
Tim: Well, I was under the impression that Nakamura Industries was involved in lasers and high-tech stuff like that.
Nobo: Someone on your staff called Nakamura Novelties. [Tim extends the hand and touches Al's face] We specialize in things like the Noodle Guard. Protection from embarrassing noodle backsplash. Mmm.
Tim: Well, that's bound to turn that Japanese economy right around, huh?
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.