Tim Quote #3346
Quote from Tim in Home Alone
[dream sequence:]
Pizza Guy: [v.o.] In an amazing development, Tim Taylor's book has sold 12 million copies before even hitting the shelves.
Leeza Gibbons: Now on tomorrow's show, the man who wrote Man is going to teach us what it means to be a man, and also make us better women for it. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. That's tomorrow.
Jay Leno: Folks, I want to apologize. Instead of getting a literary genius like Tim Taylor, we're stuck tonight with Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando. [audience groan]
Oprah: Next week, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Toni Morrison is here, not to read from her latest book, but from the much anticipated bestseller by Tim Taylor.
Pizza Guy: [v.o.] This makes it the best-selling volume in the world, second only to the Bible.
Home Improvement Quotes
‘Home Alone’ Quotes
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: You know, Tim, I'm reminded of the playwright George Bernard Shaw. He said, "The man who writes about himself in his own time is the only man who writes about all people and about all time."
Tim: Nice car. What were you just saying?
Wilson: Well, I'm just saying that it's a daunting task to write about all men, because no two men are exactly the same. You might be more successful writing about one man.
Tim: Like that famous guy Seymour Butts!
Wilson: Why do I even try?
Tim: I know what you're saying. I should just write about me, Tim "The Tool Man."
Wilson: Exactly.
Quote from Tim
Tim: So in the spirit of international brotherhood, we have invited the president of a major Japanese corporation to be our guest, to show us some of their newest inventions. Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to Nobo Nakamura. Welcome to Tool Time. Or as they say in Japanese... [speaks Japanese]
Nobo: You just invited me to frolic in your trousers.
Tim: Well, in this light you're kind of an attractive man. [laughs]
Al: All right, Nobo. Why don't you show us what's new in Japanese high tech?
Nobo: I would be happy to, Al. Behold the future!
Tim: Um... Well, it appears to be a steel rod with a hand on it.
Nobo: It's called The Lazy Grabber. You can pick up stuff without having to leave your chair.
Tim: Well, I was under the impression that Nakamura Industries was involved in lasers and high-tech stuff like that.
Nobo: Someone on your staff called Nakamura Novelties. [Tim extends the hand and touches Al's face] We specialize in things like the Noodle Guard. Protection from embarrassing noodle backsplash. Mmm.
Tim: Well, that's bound to turn that Japanese economy right around, huh?
Quote from Tim
Nobo: Now I'll show you something really state of the art. I will demonstrate on Al. This is the all-day tissue dispenser.
Al: For the guy on the go who has to go.
Tim: That's just a crappy invention.
Nobo: You calling my number-one seller crappy?
Tim: Wouldn't that be your number-two seller?
Nobo: Nobo is not laughing.
Tim: Oh, boy, Nobo. I'll bite. What the heck is this?
Nobo: This is called the Grin Grabber. Simply put on your face like this and then with one tug of the string, even grouchiest guy turns into Happy Harry.
Tim: That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Nobo: Okay, now you make Nobo mad.
Tim: And yet you're smiling.