Tim: Then we're ready to hang a magnificent piece of art. Ahh. Isn't it beautiful? Mona Borland. Now, you've all heard of Monet. This is what we call a "Don't waste your Monet." [laughs] It's funny.
Al: Well, if you wanna save some Monet, shop at Harry's Hardware. Our prices are unbeatable and for our Spanish-speaking customers... se habla español.
Tim: Alberto?
Al: Uno momento. I also wanna say that at Harry's Hardware, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor shops there. Tell 'em how you're wild about Harry's.
Tim: Wild. It's you I'm not that crazy about. Well, we'll be right back after a few messages from Binford Tools, our real sponsor.

Ilene: Al and I were supposed to go miniature golfing, but at the last minute he canceled. He's still at that stupid hardware store.
Jill: Oh, don't worry. This is all new to Al now, but he'll calm down in a couple of days.
Ilene: I don't think so. He's already canceled our date for tomorrow so he can work, and the night after that, and the night after that.
Jill: Tim, I think you should talk to him.
Tim: He won't listen to me either. He called me a selfish SOG.
Jill: What's an SOG?
Ilene: "Son of a gun." When Al gets mad, he's a real potty mouth.

Ilene: Please, Tim. Al's looking at the hardware store the way he used to look at me.
Jill: Been there.
Tim: Still there. Going there.

Al: And that's why I'm working so hard. This is the first time I've taken a chance and I wanna succeed. You break it, you bought it. Up until now it's just been one big routine. I get up in the morning at the same time. I have the same thing for breakfast. I go to the bathroom at the same time.
Tim: Don't knock that.
Al: My father never took a risk in his life. He worked at the same factory, the same job, for 40 years. Now, I know they offered him better jobs but he was afraid to take them because he didn't want to take the chance of losing what he had.
Tim: Come on, Al. You're not like your dad. You take risks every day.
Al: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Tim: You work with me.
Al: Well, that's true.

Tim: Did I get any beer on you? Sorry, lady. Hey! It's autumn. The leaves are changing. The weather's changing. Brr. The only thing that's not changing is Al's personality.
Al: My fan mail, which incidentally exceeds yours by ten to one, indicates that people like me just about the way I am. [audience applauds]
Tim: Ten to one, Al, huh? Ten to one. Your mom must be getting writer's cramp.

Tim: I got your note down at Tool Time. What's the problem?
Harry: Oh, the opportunity of a lifetime. How would you like to be part owner of Harry's Hardware?
Tim: [grunts] Me? Really?
Harry: Yeah.
Tim: It's a dream come true. Have I died and gone to heaven? [looks at Benny and his icing-stained mouth]

Brad & Randy: Boo!
Jill: Did you guys do something different to your hair?
Randy: See? I told you you weren't ugly enough to scare anybody.
Jill: You're totally ugly. I'm just used to you.

Tim: [to Mark] Boy, Al. You gotta stay outta the dryer.
Tim: Looking good, guys. Looking good.
Jill: Guys, go wash up. Brad, don't forget to wash behind your brains.

Tim: This is a surefire investment.
Jill: Yeah, that's what you said that when you invested all our money in the hot rod.
Tim: Wait a minute. That hot rod has gained value every single day.
Jill: Great. Then sell the hot rod and buy a hardware store.
Tim: [grunts] I am not selling the hot rod.

Jill: Al and Ilene, hi!
Al: I hope we're not intruding. We were just on our way to the Sunday early bird special at Corky's Coffee Shop.
Ilene: We've done it every Sunday since we met. We get the same table, Al gets meat loaf, I get the chicken cutlet and halfway through the meal we switch.
Tim: God, and they say romance is dead.
Jill: You guys want a drink?
Al: Oh, no. We get unlimited coffee with the special.