Brad: I can't believe Mark won the contest. And we didn't even get anything.
Jill: I knew you'd win.
Brad: If you ask me, the whole thing was fixed.
Randy: Yeah, you should've seen the judges. It was an all-flannel panel.
Mark: Guys, I won fair and square. I can't help it if Al's mom was the head judge.

Tim: OK, it's autumn. What else is it time for, Al?
Al: It's time for Halloween, when you try to scare me with one of your childish tricks.
Tim: I don't have time for that. Today, we're talking about backyard refuse.
Al: So I don't have to worry about some bloody body part popping out at me?
Tim: Not unless it's yours. [chuckles]
Al: Thank you, Tim. Well, mulching is the quickest and most effective way to deal with those unsightly piles of leaves and twigs that clutter up your yard.
Tim: Not to mention you get to crank up a noisy machine and grind up stuff.
Al: Depending on your mulcher, you can throw in just about anything your yard will grow. [engine starts]
Tim: Leaves. Twigs. Or how about Al's paycheck? Then you get to the bigger stuff. Patio furniture, canoes, old doors. [engine stops] Your entire deck can go in here.
Al: That's exactly what you don't want to put in your mulcher because it could clog it up.
Tim: That's right. That's why we have this other mulcher to show you what happens when you get a clogged-up beater bar. Now, when you clear out the beater bar, and Al's gonna show you right now, you wanna make sure the whole unit's shut off because...
Both: Safety first.
Al: That's right. Now, you can just clear away the refuse here, get down into the beater bar... [a bloody head pops up out of the mulcher]
Tim: Happy Halloween, Al.

Harry: Anyway, my brother, Larry, he wants to sell his 20% share. So for $15,000 you could be my silent partner.
Benny: [mouth full] Hey. How come you didn't ask me?
Tim & Harry: What?
Benny: How come you didn't ask me?
Tim: Benny, you gotta have some money.
Benny: Oh, yeah. Money.

Al: What about me? I have money.
Tim: But you gotta be willing to withdraw it from your mattress, Al. [guys laugh]
Al: It's not in my mattress.
Tim: Oh, cut it out.
Harry: So wait a minute. You're saying you're interested, Al?
Al: Well, yeah. I mean, $15,000, that's... that's a lot of money, but on the other hand, it's always been a dream of mine to own a hardware store.
Tim: It's also been a dream of yours to walk around your mom without taking a rest stop. I'm just kidding, Al.

Tim: Well, I got the goodies for the kids and I got a little something special for you.
Jill: What? Chocolate-covered marshmallow pumpkins? I didn't know they made these any more. Where did you find them?
Tim: Little candy store in Windsor.
Jill: You drove to Canada to get me these?
Tim: Aw, shucks. I'd drive to Europe if it would put a little smile on your face.
Jill: What do you want?
Tim: It's like this. You know how me buying that put a little smile on your face? There's something I'd like to buy that would put a smile on my face.
Jill: What would that be?
Tim: A hardware store.
Jill: Take the candy back to Canada.
Tim: Listen, for a mere 15 grand we can own 20% of Harry's Hardware.
Jill: And while you're in Canada you can file for citizenship.

Al: Because if you don't invest, I will.
Tim: Give me a break. You part with money? The last time you tried that you jumped in the wishing well to get your money back.
Al: I'll have you know that I once owned and operated a successful business venture.
Ilene: Did you really? I had no idea.
Tim: Neither did l.
Al: Little Al's Lemonade Stand. My slogan was: "When it comes to lemons, I'm your main squeeze."
Ilene: Oh, Al. Even as a little boy you were so clever.

Harry: Oh, there he is. How's my new silent partner?
Al: Well, Harry, I'm filled with a renewed sense of who Al Borland is and who he has the potential to blossom into.
Harry: [chuckles] Sorry I asked.

Al: Well, I thought I'd keep the freeloaders from coming in here and drinking all our coffee.
Benny: Good idea.
Tim: Benny, I believe the freeloaders he's talking about is you.
Benny: Get outta here.
Al: I'm just saying that just to be fair, everybody should pay 50 cents for their coffee.
Harry: Al, lighten up.
Benny: Hey, I'm no freeloader. I'll buy my own coffee. Harry, can I bum 50 cents?
Harry: Sure thing. Here you go, Benny. [hands Benny coins from the register]
Benny: Here you go, Al. [hands coins to Al]
Al: Here you go, Harry. [hands coins to Harry]
Harry: Thanks, Al. [puts the coins back in the register]

Tim: Well, Al, financial moves like that, you'll be bankrupt in a week. But you could throw yourself a benefit concert - "Lemon Aid."

Tim: Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Heidi. And welcome to Tool Time I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant Al "The Living Lemon" Borland.
Al: Today, we're gonna show you how to hang a picture on a hollow wall.
Tim: "Hollo," wall. You're such a stud. [fake laugh] Okay, let's say we're Al scampering around our apartment putting up our favorite picture. [hangs a picture of a lemon] There we go. Now, when this hap... [the picture falls off]
Al: Now, the reason that this happened is because the hollow wall here is not strong enough to support the weight. For that you need a wall anchor. Now, there are many types of wall anchors.
Tim: Right. You got your hollow wall anchor, plastic anchor, sleeve anchor, and if you're in that easy-listening mood I'd go with Paul Anka. [holds up record]