Jill: See, I have divided the clothes into three sections. I have my normal-weight section over there, then I have my fat section over here. This is for, you know, after childbirth, and holidays, and...
Tim: And this? What's this? The "I have a dream" section?
Jill: I will wear that dress again.
Tim: No offense, honey, but you're not gonna get into that again.

Jill: Wait, don't sign that. Don't sign it.
Tim: Why? It's a... it's a field-trip release form.
Jill: No, no. They just wait for us not to be paying attention.
Tim: I think I'm smart enough to know when they're pulling that "distract 'em and have 'em sign stuff' trick.
Jill: What is this tape down here on this thing?
Brad: 'Cause it ripped.
Tim: It ripped.
Jill: This is a letter from Mrs. Blackburn, the principal.
Tim: Aha! Just as I suspected.

Randy: Brad, I'm ashamed. Trying to trick our parents like that.
Tim: I suppose you had nothing to do with this?
Randy: Of course not, Father.

Jill: Why did you hit this boy?
Brad: Because he was making fun of me.
Tim: That's not a reason to punch anybody.
Brad: Why are you angry at me? It's your fault.
Tim: Beep-beep. Back the truck up. Why is it my fault?
Brad: This morning when you dropped me off at school, you hugged me in front of all my friends.
Jill: Wait... That is no reason to hit this Mickey Walker guy.
Brad: Yeah, well, Mickey Walker saw and started calling me "Diaper Baby."
Tim: I don't care what he called you. You're gonna call him and apologize. Besides, so what? I didn't give you a real big hug. I just squeezed your shoulder a little bit, like that. What's the matter with you?
Brad: Just... please don't hug me again. [exits]
Tim: Good thing I didn't kiss him.

Randy: Oh, man. That's the last time I team up with Brad, the Diaper Baby.
Tim: Don't call him that, all right?
Randy: Come on, Mark. Let's go make fun of him.
Tim: I got a better idea. Why don't you make fun of each other?
Mark: Booger brain.
Randy: Weenie.
Tim: That's more like it.

Tim: Well, a little stucco demonstration. We're gonna put some mud on the wall, we'll get stuccoing, right?
Rock: You betcha. We used to do this all the time.
Tim: All right.
Pete: Heck, I cut my teeth on stucco, Tim. Well, learned everything from Dwayne here.
Dwayne: Oh, no, no. Pete here is the real expert. We call him "The Stucco Bucko."

Tim: Come on. Anybody? What? I'm the only secure man here? Guess so.
Rock: Aw, heck. I'm secure. I appreciate you, Timmy.
Tim: I appreciate you, Rock. [they awkwardly pat each other on the back] Hey, all right.
Rock: Hey, you know, that wasn't so bad. [they hug]
Tim: Yeah, we're secure, buddy. [Rock lifts Tim up] Oh, yeah, are we ever secure.
Al: You know, Tim, in Europe men kiss each other on both cheeks. [Rock lowers Tim to the ground]

Brad: Dad, it's all ready. I'm going to the park.
Tim: Before you go, how about those Lions?
Brad: What about 'em?
Tim: I said, how about the Lions?
Brad: Oh, yeah. I love you too. Bye. [exits]
Tim: [to Jill] It's a guy thing.

Tim: Flashback!
Jill: I found these at the bottom of the giveaway box.
Tim: You look like a radioactive leprechaun, honey.
Jill: I can't believe that you were gonna give this away.
Tim: That is the most hideous thing I've ever seen in my life. Why do you wanna keep that?
Jill: You gave it to me.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, sure. I guess I did, yeah. It could come back. Pretty boss-looking chick.
Jill: Well, thank you. That is, like, so far out that you say that. You wanna groove with me?