Jill: We've got to stop this.
Tim: We gotta stop it.
Jill: But we can't panic.
Tim: Can't panic.
Jill: No, we've gotta be tactical and diplomatic so we don't alienate Brad.
Tim: We don't want Brad as an alien.

Jill: When exactly do you plan to have this wedding?
Brad: I don't know. We might not have the wedding. We might elope.
Jill: Just tell me one thing, is Samantha pregnant?
Brad: No, Mom. She's not pregnant.
Jill: So what, are you getting married just so you can have sex?
Brad: What is with you, Mom? All you think about is sex!

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Oh, I was just staring at the stars, trying to figure out what it's all about.
Jill: Yeah? What did you find out?
Tim: Teenagers are nuts. And Orion's belt actually has some tools in it.

Wilson: Hi-ho, good neighbors.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Pondering a distant galaxy?
Jill: Actually, we're wishing that we were up there. Having a little problem with Brad.
Wilson: He's not eating his veggies?
Jill: No getting married.
Wilson: Married? At Brad's age?
Tim: He'll have to sit at the children's table at his own wedding.

Mark: Here comes the groom.
Brad: Shut up.
Randy: Hey, you know, Brad, we were thinking about places to have your bachelor party. How do you feel about Chuck E. Cheese?
Mark: Yeah. The groom gets free tokens.
Brad: I get enough crap from Mom and Dad. I'm not taking it from you guys.

Jill: Look, we overreacted about this Samantha thing. But we want to make it up to you. So we've been thinking, we'd like to have her over for dinner.
Brad: Why?
Tim: Well, if you're this serious about her, we should get to know her better.
Brad: So, you guys mean it?
Jill: Yeah, absolutely. In fact, I want to make it really special. What's her favorite dish?
Tim: Anything.
Brad: Chicken Cordon Bleu with endive watercress salad.
Jill: We'll go with your favorite dish.
Brad: Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots?

Brad: How soon were you planning on having children?
Samantha: Well, not right away. I was thinking of waiting a few years. Five... ten. Is that too long for you?
Brad: No, no. I was thinking like 15, 20.
Samantha: Brad, do you really think you're ready to get married?
Brad: Well, I don't know. I mean, how do you feel?
Samantha: I think we should slow down a little.
Brad: [sighs] Man, I'm glad to hear you say that. And as much as I like you, I mean, it would be kind of weird taking my report card home to my wife.

Jill: Yes!
Tim: No wedding. This calls for a celebration.
Jill: This proves that we can deal with any crisis that comes our way.
Tim: Here's to two parents that can handle anything.
Mark: I'm going out. I'll be back about 9:00.
Jill: Was his hair pink?
Tim: Fuchsia.

Al: Why don't we take some audience questions while Tim lathers up this ruggedly handsome balloon?
Heidi: All right, any questions? Yes, sir?
Ben: Uh, no matter what kind of razor I use, I cut myself. What do you recommend to stop the bleeding?
Heidi: Grow a beard. [snorts]
Al: I recommend a styptic pencil.
Tim: You don't want to use toilet paper. Otherwise, you have squares over your face with the red dots in them. Looks like your face is covered with little Japanese flags. Very embarrassing down at the VFW Hall, I'll tell you that.

Tim: Still time to get into the Brad party pool? I got a buck says he's not going.
Jill: You can't bet against your own son.
Tim: Why? How are you betting? Sorry, I would've gotten in the action earlier, but I pulled my back out in the bathroom.
Jill: How'd you do that?
Tim: Don't ask.