Samantha: I just can't believe I only met you two weeks ago.
Brad: Yeah. It kind of feels like we've known each other our whole lives.
Samantha: How was I lucky enough to meet a guy like you?
Brad: Well, I guess we were at the right place at the right time. Two strangers reaching for onion dip.
Samantha: So, when was the exact moment you knew I really, really liked you?
Brad: I guess when you met my parents and you didn't run away screaming.

Jill: Brad has spent every available moment with Samantha for the last month. They're going too fast. I don't like it.
Tim: I'm not so sure. His school work isn't suffering. His job's OK. He's coming in every night at curfew. Let's face it, Samantha's a better parent than we are.

Jill: Nice jacket.
Brad: Oh, you like it?
Jill: Yeah.
Brad: Samantha helped me pick it out the other day. She says you have to "dress for who you want to be."
Jill: Who do you want to be?
Brad: I don't know. I just figure I'll put on the clothes and see who I turn into.

Jill: You've been learning an awful lot from Samantha?
Brad: Oh, yeah, it's great. And you're not gonna believe where she wants me to take her tomorrow: to Tool Time.
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: There's something seriously wrong with this woman.
Tim: Funny. I'm starting to like her a lot.

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time's salute to... [shaver whirrs]
Both: shaving.
Tim: It's been grooming week all this week on Tool Time. We've been cutting, clipping, moussing and foaming. Now we tackle the mother of all grooming problems, removal of unwanted facial hair.
Al: That's right. Every little boy remembers peering over the sink watching his father shaving.
Tim: In your case it was your mom, wasn't it? "Al, stop staring at me! Get me another beer, will ya?!"
Al: Tim?

Tim: Shaving equipment has really come a long way over the years.
Al: That's right. Today we have a lot of things to choose from. We have double-edged, swivel head, disposable, and a wide array of electric shavers.
Tim: But for the purist, nothing beats the cut of a straight edge. Right, Al?
Al: That's right.
Tim: Look out! My thumb! Oh, my God! Just kidding. Today we're gonna show how close it shaves by shaving Al's beard. Right, Al?
Al: I don't think so, Tim. I've grown rather fond of this beard.
Tim: You call it a beard. I call it a runway for Fritos.

Tim: In barber college they practice on a balloon to get a handle on a straight edge so they don't nick their customers. I've got my own version of the balloon.
Al: Why do you put my face on everything you're about to mangle or destroy?
Tim: Because your butt won't fit.

Tim: Brad, why were you joking about getting married? I was trying to do a serious show about hair removal.
Brad: Dad, I'm not joking. Samantha and I, we put a lot of thought into this.
Tim: You can't have put a lot of thought into it. You've only been seeing each other for a month.
Samantha: Mr. Taylor, I know it seems fast, but Brad and I clicked from the beginning.
Tim: Put your clickers away. This is ridiculous, guys.
Brad: You know, I knew you were gonna react like this. I mean, instead of yelling at us, you should be congratulating us.
Tim: I'm sorry. Waiter, get me some champagne. And two juice boxes for the bride and groom!
Brad: You know what, Dad, it doesn't matter what you say. We're getting married. Let's get out of here.
Tim: Brad Hey! Hey! You can't get married! You got homework!

Tim: Brad and Samantha want to get married.
Jill: Married? That's insane!
Mark: It's sad, really. Can I have his room?

Tim: Listen to this. They announced their engagement on Tool Time. I tried to talk to him about it. He just ran out on me.
Jill: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What if she's pregnant? [Tim groans] What if they're getting married because they want to get pregnant?
Tim: She probably just wants to get a hold of the Taylor fortune.
Jill: There is no Taylor fortune.
Tim: Not in cash. But we are tool rich.