Tim: What do you got?
Harry: A surveillance camera with ultrasensitive microphones.
Tim: Let me have a dozen.
Harry: All right.
Al: You need a master pad to tie that whole system together.
Tim: Get that.
Marty: And, you know, you ought to get those infrared motion sensors.
Al: They're over here.
Tim: All right, 144 of those. A gross, make it.
Benny: Don't forget the siren.
Tim: Get me a couple sirens. Lights.

Marty: This is gonna be the biggest thing you've done. This is gonna be bigger than the hood vent in the kitchen.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, way bigger! Whoa, whoa. Why did you bring that up?
Marty: Wait a minute. What's wrong?
Tim: Jill made me take that thing out. And I promised her I wouldn't go overboard in any other installations.
Harry: What are you saying, Tim?
Tim: I'm saying it's probably a better idea to just go with a basic unit. [all laugh]
Al: Yeah. The chances of that happening!

Brad: If I was to buy the answers to the test, how much would it cost me?
Jason: For you? 30 bucks.
Brad: 30 bucks? I'm sorry. All I have is 20.
Jason: Did I say thir...? I meant 20.
Brad: All right. I guess that's a deal.
Jason: Now, remember... Under the door around midnight.

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Tim & Al: Tool Time! [both try to walk through the door at the same time]
Heidi: That's right. Welcome to a very special Tool Time live from the home of our star, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo-hoo!

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al Borland. For the next couple of days, we're gonna show you how to install a high-tech, super-charged security system.
Al: That's right. Now, the first thing is to determine what areas of your home are most vulnerable to a break-in.
Tim: But since the only thing Al can break into is a sweat... we've invited a reformed burglar to help us out. I'd like to welcome on the show, Sammy "the Snake" Nash. Welcome, Sammy.
Sammy: Thanks, Tim. It's a pleasure to be in your home. You have some beautiful things in here.
Tim: And I'd like to keep them in here.
Sammy: I'm not into that anymore.
Tim: Well, that's a good thing because I understand your parole officer watches the show every night.

Al: Well, Sammy, where would you like to begin?
Sammy: With the obvious, Al. The front door. I'll step outside. You lock it up. And we'll see just how secure it is. [exits]
Tim: OK. Great. Good. Great. Fine. I think the old Samster's in for a little surprise. That's a solid oak door. I installed a rim-proof, jimmy-proof lock, which I call pretty much impenetrable.
Sammy: [opens door] Pretty much. Unless you're foolish enough not to use the deadbolt. Then someone could open it with a credit card.
Tim: Well, good way to wreck your credit card.
Sammy: Actually, I wrecked yours.
Tim: All right. Hmm...
Al: Why don't we step out into the backyard and see if there are any vulnerable places out there.
[As Tim reaches into his back pocket to put his credit card away, Sammy hands him his wallet]

Tim: [on alarm] Get away from the house! The police are on their way!
Jill: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! There's someone downstairs!
Tim: Uh, uh... Stay here. I'll go down there. I'll get him.
Jill: [holds hair dryer and hair spray] Here, wait! Take this.
Tim: What am I gonna do - style him to death?

Tim: Honey, it's OK. It's just Brad. "Disarm-command-disarm-8-7-disarm." Look at that!
Mark: Boy, that was loud.
Tim: Relax. Why are you hugging yourself?
Brad: It... it just feels right.

Jill: What was that?
Tim: Uh... Just... just testing it out.
Jill: Where's my spaghetti? I have to take it to Ypsilanti!
Tim: It's probably already there.
Jill: Oh, man!

Jill: I think I've almost got this down. Before going to sleep at night, I press "arm-command-5863," "perimeter-instant-2-star-4."
Tim: [o.s.] 2-star-2!
Jill: Oh, OK. "2-star-2."
Tim: [coughs o.s.] I think I could use one of those mucous cups.
Jill: I'll never be able to work this.
Tim: Oh, just hang with it. You'll get it. There's one last security measure we gotta do before we go to bed.
Jill: What?
Tim: I'll have to frisk you.
Jill: What's the password?
Tim: "Please."