Tim: Where's Mark?
Brad: I don't know. He was supposed to meet us at the bus stop, but he never showed up.
Tim: What are you talking about? I told him to come straight home after school.
Randy: Dad, the kid's a convicted hardware criminal. They're unpredictable.

Tim: When you or your brothers lie or cheat or steal like this, it makes your mom and I feel we're not doing our jobs right. And part of our job is to make you see the difference between right and wrong.
Mark: I know it's wrong to steal.
Jill: Then why did you take the knife?
Mark: I don't know. I thought... if I had the knife, Brad and Randy would think I'm cool. I'm really sorry I did it.
Tim: We know you're sorry. Coming here showed that. It took a lot of guts, son. Which is why I spoke to the governor and we commuted your sentence to two weeks.
Mark: Thanks.
Tim: Unfortunately, we found you haven't paid your state income tax for the last 11 years.
Mark: Dad, I'm only ten.
Tim: Hey, that's the government for you.

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Nothing.
Jill: You were searching their room.
Tim: No, I wasn't. I was looking for my issues of my hot rod magazine.
Jill: Busty Babes and Buicks? [Tim groans] Another fine volume from your reference library.
Tim: Something of yours in here too. That's my recipe for tuna and lima bean casserole. Why would they hide that?
Tim: If it were me, I would have burned it.

Jill: What else of mine have they got in here?
Randy: [enters] Mom. What are you doing?
Jill: Putting your underwear away.
Randy: In the desk drawer?
Jill: Yes. It's something my mother taught me. This way, if you're doing your homework and you realize that... you're not wearing any underwear, then you don't have to walk all the way to the dresser drawer.

Tim: Hi, Mark.
Mark: Hey.
Tim: Having an apple?
Mark: Yeah.
Tim: I like apples when they're peeled, but to peel one, what would you need? You'd need a knife, wouldn't you? Hmm, boy. Oh, wait a minute, I got one. I'll just peel that for you. Use this knife here.
Mark: Oh, maybe I'll have a banana.
Tim: Or maybe you'll sit down.

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time. Our guest today is the 1994 Illinois state champion for husband-calling.
Al: Now, for those of you who don't know what that is, it is a contest to see who can call their spouse the loudest. Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big, warm welcome to Deb Selby.
Tim: Welcome to the show, Deb.
Deb Selby: Thanks, Tim.
Al: Well, can you tell us something about a husband-calling contest?
Deb Selby: A husband-calling contest is like a hog-calling contest, only in this case the hog is your husband.
Tim: OK, let me try to get this straight. Your husband's out in the back 40 in the pole barn, greasing up a chassis on an old tractor. You want to get his attention, what do you do?
Deb Selby: I holler at him like this. [shouts] Steven! Hubba-bubba-bubba-bubba-bubba! Husband, I love you! Steven, get in here right now!
Tim: So how long have you and [shouts] Steven... been married?
Deb Selby: 11 years. That's my husband Steve sitting up in the audience.
Tim: Hey, Steve. You're married 11 years, you still can't tune her out?
Steve: Huh?

Brad: Check out this Swiss army knife.
Tim: You know what that thing is? That's a Swiss army knife.
Randy: Wow! It's got a magnifying glass, corkscrew, can opener...
Al: That's right. Tweezers and a nail file.
Harry: Yeah, for Al's mid-afternoon pedicure.

Brad: I'd give anything to have a knife this cool.
Randy: Yeah, me too, but where are we gonna get 95 bucks?
Brad: We could sell Mark.
Harry: Hey.
Randy: Where are we gonna get the other 90?

Tim: Do we believe 'em?
Jill: Well, I hope they didn't take it. They said they didn't take it. You make yourself useful .I gotta take this upstairs.
Tim: Yeah, but do we trust the kids that would take their dad's Victoria's Secret catalog?
Jill: I'm more worried that their dad is the one getting the Victoria's Secret catalog. What are you wearing under there?
Tim: A beautiful camisole and a silk thong.

Tim: The only reason I buy those magazines is to read the articles.
Jill: Right.
Tim: You know, if anybody stole that, it was probably Brad. Except you notice Randy couldn't even look me right in the eye.
Jill: That's 'cause you got some schmutz on your nose.
Tim: Schmutz?
Jill: Yeah. Schmutz.