Brad: The doctor said his hearing will come back any day.
Randy: Yeah, we came here to get a hacksaw blade.
Harry: Oh. Aisle three.
Tim: What?
Randy: Aisle three.
Tim: So go pee.

Tim: Harry, I'll just take this one. Gotta run - gotta get the boys to soccer practice.
Harry: OK, I'll put it on your tab.
Tim: I don't need a cab. I got a car right out front.
Harry: And I'm gonna charge you double.
Tim: [chuckles] You're right. Al does look like Barney Rubble.

Tim: [imitates Deb] Albert! Albert, Albert, Albert, Albert!
Al: What? What's the matter?
Tim: Nothing. I was just practicing for next year's sidekick-calling contest.

Al: Uh, actually, Tim, there's something I need to talk to you about. It's about yesterday. After you left the hardware store, I noticed a little something was missing.
Tim: Thank you, Al. I do kind of light up a hardware store, don't I?
Al: I... Actually, you know that Swiss army knife your boys were admiring?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: It's gone.
Tim: You're not suggesting one of my boys stole it, are you?
Al: No. But knives don't just get up and walk off on their own.
Tim: Well, maybe Harry stole it.
Al: Why would Harry steal a pocketknife from his own store?
Tim: To collect the insurance.

Jill: Hi, sweetie. How was your day?
Tim: Where are the boys?
Jill: Outside. [Tim goes outside] And how was my day? It was great. I went to school. It was real interesting.
Tim: [o.s.] I can't see them.
Jill: ... I came home. I washed the floor. I did the laundry. I had an affair.
Tim: Who are you talking to?
Jill: Evidently myself.

Tim: Al thinks one of the boys might have stolen a knife from the hardware store.
Jill: Why would they steal a knife?
Tim: Not a knife. A Swiss army knife. This is the reason the Swiss army is the force they are today. It's got a magnifying glass, a corkscrew, a toothpick.
Jill: In case they get attacked by wine stewards with spinach in their teeth?

Brad: Yo, Dad, what's going on?
Tim: Settle up for a minute. Um... Al couldn't find that Swiss army knife. Do you have any idea who might have taken it?
Randy: You know, maybe Harry took it. To collect the insurance money.
Tim: Where do you come up with these ideas?

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Dusting.
Jill: In a drawer?
Tim: Very dusty in here. Look at this.
Jill: You are searching their rooms. I'm not gonna stand by and let you do that. That is an invasion of the boys' privacy. My mother used to do that to me when I was growing up. I really, really, really hated it. The way she did it was so sneaky too.
Tim: What did she do? Maybe there's something she did we could use.
Jill: No. It was really stupid. I'd catch her looking in my desk drawer and she'd pretend that she was putting my underwear away. No, if I start searching their rooms, I might as well turn right into my mother.
Tim: [groans] Don't even joke about that.

Jill: Hey, hey. Not so fast. Come on, talk to me.
Mark: I don't want to talk.
Jill: Well, OK. OK, then I'll just sit here with you. I could tell you about the time that my father yelled at me 'cause I was trying to sneak out of the house in a skirt that he thought was too short. It was way longer than any of the skirts my friends were wearing, except of course, for Darlene Mayberry, but she had... [Mark puts his head under a pillow] really chubby knees.

Wilson: [chanting in Japanese]
Tim: Wilson. Wilson, could you stop singing and talk to me for a second?
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, neighbor. Happy Tako Age.
Tim: Happy Yokohama to you. What's with the kite?
Wilson: Well, today is the Japanese festival of Tako Age, which means "big kite-flying day." See, according to legend, a master of a 16th century Japanese castle flew a kite in order to celebrate the birth of his son.
Tim: Yeah? What did he do when his son committed his first crime?
Wilson: Pardon?
Tim: I'm not gonna pardon him.
Wilson: What in the world are you talking about?