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A House Divided

‘A House Divided’

Season 4, Episode 18 -  Aired February 21, 1995

The Taylors have an unwelcome house guest after Tim blows up Benny's aunt's house.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hello. Anybody home? Tim?
Tim: Under here.
Jill: Oh, I picked up my application for graduate school. You know what? I have to write an essay on why I'd make a good psychologist.
Tim: Well that's easy. Tell them you're the kind of person who gives people advice whether they want it or not.


Quote from Tim

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Just putting a little attachment on your garbage disposal.
Jill: Don't touch that! It's working fine.
Tim: Oh, it's working fine if you want to grind up normal stuff, which it doesn't do that well anyway, but I got a vision. I'm talking about real stuff - whole corn on the cob with the husk included. Avocado pits? Heck, avocado trees ought to go down this thing. Other tool guys ask, "Why?" This tool man asks, "Why not?"
Jill: This tool man's wife asks, "Why me?"
Tim: I'll show you why, you. Just in case you need extra power. [motor revving] [Tim drops whole cobs of corn down the disposal]

Quote from Harry

Harry: Hey, Al, I wish you'd stop cleaning, you know. You're a partner, not a janitor.
Al: I know, but I don't mind. You see, I feel a tidy hardware store is a successful hardware store. Isn't that your philosophy?
Harry: [throws nuts on the ground] In a nutshell.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Benny: Tool Time.
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is on location with Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, let's go take a peek at our leak. Watch your step, buddy. Speaking of peeks, aren't those drawers a little tight on you, Al? [hits head on pipe] Ow!
Al: Well, here we are in the basement.
Tim: Good observation, Al. Maybe tomorrow you can tell people what that big room upstairs is with the stove in it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. Fixing that leaky valve involves taking the plate off this old furnace here. Sometimes these old furnaces are tough, you know. You gotta... Oh, boy! When they're old like this, you gotta really... [Al effortlessly lifts the cover off] Yeah, right. After I loosened it for you. Marv, if you get down here, we'll find that valve. In these ones they're hard to see 'cause sometimes they're... [Al points Tim's flashlight to the valve] right there in front of you. There's that pesky little devil, there. Now, the first thing we wanna do is loosen up the flexible connector with a seven-eighths-inch wrench. All right.
Al: Then you wanna loosen the module control wires, here.
Tim: Then you wanna loosen up Al with a stiff martini.
Al: Simply unscrew the old gas valve like that. Now we're ready for the new one. However, before we put this in, we want to seal the valve at both the gas inlet and outlet. For that we need a compound known as plumber's dope. Tim, where's the plumber's dope?
Tim: [goofy voice] It's right here. Ha ha ha ha! Sorry I'm late. Hi, Al. Sorry I'm late. I thought the basement was upstairs. Ha ha ha.

Quote from Benny

Heidi: Hey, that was a really great show.
Al: Thank you, Heidi. You know, on these location Tool Times, sometimes I feel the audience gets to see the real Al.
Benny: If you don't zip up your fly, the real Al's gonna make a personal appearance. [laughs]

Quote from Randy

Jill: Did it ever occur to you that I might not have time to fulfill all your snacking needs because there might be something more important going on in my life?
Brad: Yeah, right.
Jill: I'm trying to finish my application to graduate school.
Randy: I thought you were already in graduate school.
Brad & Mark: Me too.
Jill: I can't believe you guys. I've been taking undergraduate courses since September. You have no idea what I've been doing in school?
Randy: Well, your teacher didn't send home any notes. We assumed everything was fine.

Quote from Benny

Tim: There was a gas leak at his Aunt's house and we tried to fix it, and there was an explosion.
Jill: Oh, Benny, I'm so sorry.
Tim: So I said until we figure out what we should do, he should stay here.
Benny: Don't worry. Tim said he's gonna fix up the house better than new. And I won't be an imposition. You won't even know I'm here.
Jill: Exactly, how long won't we know that you're here?
Tim: A couple of days.
Benny: Indefinitely.

Quote from Tim

Benny: [o.s.] [singing] Funicula.... funiculi... funicula...
Tim: Well, either Benny's singing or there's a sick cow in this house.
Brad: How come we're not eating eggs?
Tim: Benny ate 'em.
Mark: Or bacon?
Jill: Benny.
Randy: Toast?
Tim: Benny.
Jill: Who ties up the phone, puts their dark laundry in with our whites, sleeps all day, watches TV all night?
Tim: Benny.
Brad: Who do we want out of the house?
All: Benny!

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