Tim: I just saw something no human being should look at. Benny Baroni doing pelvic thrusts.
Wilson: Whoa. I hope for his sake he doesn't get stuck in that position.
Tim: Hey. How would you like to have a roommate for a little while?
Wilson: Oh, no, Tim. These days I prefer the solitary lifestyle.
Tim: No, he's great. You'd love Benny. After his 12 square meals a day, he's happy as a clam.
Wilson: Well, you seem to be in quite a hurry to unload your crony Baroni.
Tim: He's driving my family crazy. But how do you kick a good friend out?
Wilson: Especially after you blew up his house.
Tim: I didn't blow up the man's house.

Wilson: When does he move back in?
Tim: Oh, it'll take Al and I a couple of weeks to fix that house. I got a problem.
Wilson: You know, you wouldn't have a problem if you were an African buffalo weaver.
Tim: No kidding. I'd be in Africa weaving a buffalo.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. See, buffalo weavers are birds who nest communally. Then when the nest is damaged, instead of one bird spending months trying to fix it, eight to ten birds working together can rebuild it in no time.
Tim: Perfect. Perfect. I've just gotta find a sparrow that spackles, a duck that can dry-wall, and use some plaster of parrots.
Wilson: [chuckles] No, Tim, what I'm saying is maybe you should try to find some birds of your own feather.
Tim: Hey. Oh-ho-ho! It'd be tough finding a duck that dry-walls. And who can afford a union duck? Their bill is enormous.

Tim: Having fun, guys?
Brad: Oh, it's a dream come true. 12 straight hours of fixing a house that you barbecued.
Tim: I didn't blow up this house.

Harry: So what can I do for you?
Tim: I need a spark plug for my garbage disposal.
Harry: [chuckles] You put a gas engine in your disposal?
Tim: Have you got a problem with that?
Al: What, are you gonna race it against the other disposals?

Tim: Now, with any kind of gas leak, you've got to make sure you shut the gas off to the home.
Al: Now, the gas has been turned off on this house. Heidi will show you how that was done.
Heidi: All right, you're gonna take your crescent wrench and you're gonna turn the valve a quarter turn, so that the wrench is perpendicular to your pipe.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.

Tim: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Catch us next time when we do our salute... [high-pitched voice] "Hey, you big lug! You left the seat up again."
Tim & Al: To toilets.

Sam: Uh, excuse me. I'm from across the street. You're on that show, Tool Time, aren't you?
Al: Yes, we are.
Sam: You know, you're just as attractive in real life.
Al: Thank you. I try to stay fit.
Sam: I was talking to her.
Heidi: Thank you.
Sam: You're welcome.

Sam: So, what brings you to the neighborhood?
Al: Oh, we just fixed the leak in Mrs. Barone's furnace.
Sam: Oh, good.
Al: Yeah.
Sam: What about the leak in the stove?
Al: Well, we're, uh... The stove?
Sam: That's why she shut off the gas before she left for Florida.

Mark: I don't know. I kinda like having Uncle Benny around.
Jill: "Uncle" Benny?
Mark: Yeah. He says when I'm 12 he's gonna take me to Vegas and get me comped.

Tim: Come on, hustle up! Come on! Come on! Come on!
Brad: Dad, why did we have to get up at five in the morning?
Tim: Because we're gonna do a little building today. Wilson and Heidi on wiring, Al and Harry, dry-wall and carpets, you guys are painting, your Mom and I on windows.
Jill: Why do I have to go?
Tim: Think about it. The faster we get Benny into his house, the faster we get him out of our house.
Jill: OK, everybody. Move it. Let's go. Let's go.
Tim: Come on. Hyah! Hyah! Move it.