Kirk: One day it occurred to me, cows never wrinkle. Think about it, have you ever seen a wrinkled cow? No, not once. So I thought to myself, "That is weird."
Michel: Yes, that and other things.
Kirk: So I decided to do a little research. I studied cows, I studied humans, and finally I discovered the secret. The secret of the cows.
Lorelai: Michel, could you... Hi, Kirk.
Michel: Oh, good, just in time. Kirk here is about to tell us the difference between cows and humans.
Lorelai: You mean, other than one's a cow?
Michel: Ssh. Go ahead, Kirk.
Kirk: Hay.
Lorelai: Huh?
Kirk: Hay, it's hay. Cows eat hay. And after some experimentation and a great deal of research, I developed what I believe to be the next great skin care product to sweep the nation.
Lorelai: "Hay There".
Kirk: A complete line of creams, balms, toning lotions, and cleansing liquids.
Lorelai: Kirk, we already have a skin care line here, I'm sorry.
Kirk: I am willing to give you three cases of "Hay There" skin products absolutely free of charge. Try them, you will see what I'm talking about.
Lorelai: Well, thank you very much, Kirk... but, I'm sorry, don't cows eat grass?
Kirk: Sometimes, but "Grass There" is a bad name.

Emily: [on the phone] Your father and I were coming home from Martha's Vineyard.
Lorelai: I know you were.
Emily: And you said that when we got home, you were going to call us.
Lorelai: I know I did.
Emily: Well, we're home, and yet there's no call, no message, no card.
Lorelai: Mom, it's eleven o'clock in the morning. I said I would call you on Thursday, I didn't say when on Thursday, I just said Thursday. Technically, I haven't screwed up for another twelve hours.
Emily: Lorelai, everyone knows that you are supposed to call people as soon as they have arrived home. That's the polite way to do it.
Lorelai: You didn't tell me what time you were coming home.
Emily: Well, you never asked what time we were coming home.
Lorelai: Yes, but you never told me so there's no way I could know, so even though I didn't ask I still didn't know and it's only elev... I'm sorry.
Emily: Apology accepted.

Rory: [on the phone] Paris is melting down.
Dean: Why?
Rory: She has a date tonight.
Dean: Really?
Paris: Don't sound so surprised.
Rory: How do you know he sounded surprised?
Paris: Because I'm a genius, Rory. I have deep and powerful clairvoyant abilities.
Rory: Oh boy.
Paris: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like "how" and "why" and "Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end!" will immediately fly out of people's mouths.

Paris: He's almost here, I'm not dressed, my makeup's not done, and I haven't gone through the Zagat yet to pick out a restaurant.
Rory: Why don't you just let him pick out the restaurant?
Paris: What if he doesn't have a Zagat?
Rory: Well, then he'll wing it.
Paris: Wing it? How come other girls get planned out dinners? Flowers, candy, rose petals thrown on the floors, and I get wing it?
Rory: Well, you don't know that you've got wing it.
Paris: No, I do. I've got wing it. I can't do this.
Rory: What?
Paris: Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it.
Rory: Not true.
Paris: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?

Kirk: Good, there's been a little problem.
Lorelai: What kind of problem?
Kirk: Nothing of major concern. It just seems that with continual use, the cream develops some weird reactions to light... and air... and movement.
Lorelai: Are you serious?
Kirk: Don't worry, it's just a small kink. It'll all be worked out soon.
Kirk: I have three cases of that stuff sitting at the inn.
Kirk: Well, get rid of it.
Lorelai: Kirk.
Kirk: But don't throw it in the trash. Apparently, that would be an EPA violation.
Lorelai: What am I supposed to do with the stuff?
Kirk: Shooting it into space is about all I've got now.

Lorelai: Oh, well, looks like he's got his "what I did this summer" essay all researched and ready to go. Guess you dodged a bullet there, huh?
Rory: What do you mean?
Lorelai: I don't know. It seems kind of lucky that you didn't throw everything away for Jess when you see...
Rory: See what? What am I seeing?
Lorelai: You're upset.
Rory: No, I'm not upset.
Lorelai: Yes, you are upset. I know when you're upset 'cause you look like my mother.
Rory: Thanks a lot.
Lorelai: You like my mother.
Rory: Yes, but you don't like your mother, so when you tell me that I look like your mother, it's not exactly a compliment.

Richard: What would you like to drink?
Lorelai: Oh, whatever.
Richard: I can't read minds, Lorelai.
Lorelai: I really don't care, Dad. Whatever you have.
Richard: We have everything, Lorelai.
Lorelai: Al right, I'll have a Yaegermeister and a Jell-O shot.
Richard: Excuse me?
Lorelai: White wine.

Emily: This new little place opened right down the road from our house and they make these wonderful scones, and that is their mix so you can make them right in your own kitchen.
Lorelai: Well, thanks, Mom. I will put this right on the counter and stare at it for many years to come.
Emily: You're not going to make them?
Lorelai: Oh, I'm not really much of a baker.
Emily: But the instructions are right there on the back.
Lorelai: Yeah, I know, but still.
Emily: Still what? Those are good scones.
Lorelai: Hey, maybe I'll give this to Sookie and she'll bake them.
Emily: I don't understand why you simply can't follow those directions and make the scones.
Richard: Rory would love those scones.
Lorelai: Okay, I promise one way or another, the scones will get eaten.

Lorelai: Oh, hey, I figured how to get the "Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer" out of our heads... to sing the "Small World" song over and over for the next forty-eight hours. Of course, how we get the Small World song out of our heads, I have not worked out yet.

Rory: All I did was think about what you said, that's all. Then I analyzed the situation.
Lorelai: And then you made a pro and con list.
Rory: You're mocking me, but yes, I did. And after all of this, I came to the conclusion that I want to make things good with Dean, and he deserves my undivided attention.
Lorelai: And you feel good about this?
Rory: I feel really good about this.
Lorelai: Okay, because if you decided you really did wanna date Jess, I would help you... get vaccinated.
Rory: Thank you, but I'm good.