Luke: We have to fix this. I cannot watch her throw her life away again with a loser again.
Jess: You see, this is your problem. You're going to help people whether they want it or not. You have to fix everything. You have to fix everyone. You think it makes you a good guy, but really, it just makes you a pain in the ass. You make it so that when people fail you, you get to feel like the martyr and they get to feel like not only did they screw up, but they also disappointed you. You Interfere and you make everything worse. No one is asking for your help. No one wants your help. Focus on your own life and leave everyone else alone.

Lorelai: Are you drunk?
Luke: I am not drunk. I do not get drunk. I had some beer-beers. More than one. A few. And then I came here and I climbed your tree.
Lorelai: Well, good thinking.
Luke: And then I fell out of your tree.
Lorelai: Sit down.
Luke: I landed flat on my back. I felt like Kirk.
Lorelai: Hold your hand up in the air.
Luke: And then I climbed back up the tree. This time I made it. I got in. Sorry about the lamp.
Lorelai: You know, Luke, you could have broken your neck.
Luke: You know, it would have been all right if I had. I would have fixed it because that's what I do: I fix things. Even when they don't want to be fixed.

Luke: I'm going to fix the window.
Lorelai: Forget the window.
Luke: I can't forget the window. I made a promise and I'm the reliable guy who helps everybody out whether they like it or not.
Lorelai: What?
Luke: Oh, yeah. Nothing I can do about it, just the way I am. It is my big problem. Didn't know it was my big problem until today, but now I know. It is my big problem. Got a handful of Barbie.
Lorelai: Luke, what happened today?
Luke: Today, I found out what a big, dumb, idiot guy I am. Just an imposing, judgmental know-it-all who blows around yelling and complaining and screwing up everybody else's life.
Lorelai: I hardly think you're-
Luke: I'm dumb. Yeah, not like Jess. Jess is smart. You know, he doesn't care about anybody else's life. He just takes care of himself.
Lorelai: Did you and Jess have a thing?
Luke: He informed me that I am nothing but an unwelcome burden to everyone around me. [laughs]

Lorelai: Liz was just saying today how grateful she is to have you as her brother - and how much she looks up to you.
Luke: You talked to Liz?
Lorelai: I thought she was you.
Luke: I'm a man.
Lorelai: She was in your truck.
Luke: When I'm in my truck, I'm still a man.
Lorelai: I couldn't see who was driving, okay? I went over the truck and we met and we started talking.

Lorelai: Listen, why don't you hang out here and rest for little while, okay? We'll get you a real bandage.
Luke: I like the Barbie ones.
Lorelai: Yes, honey, but the other kids will beat you up if they see you with one of those.

Lorelai: You've been here less than twenty-four hours and already I wanna kill you.
Jess: What did I do to you?
Lorelai: All the crap you said to Luke-
Jess: What crap?
Lorelai: A man who has done nothing but support you and try to help you.
Jess: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lorelai: You do know what I'm talking about. Don't act stupid. Why would you do that? What an incredibly insensitive, mean-spirited-
Jess: Oh, drop it. This has nothing to do with Luke. This is about Rory.
Lorelai: This is not about Rory. This is about Luke. Don't you have an ounce of sensitivity in that thick head of yours or are you so mad at the entire world that you don't care who you hurt?
Jess: And I suppose we're still not talking about Rory?
Lorelai: Wow, second "Rory" in ten seconds. You sure have Rory on the brain. I wonder why that is.
Jess: You started this!
Lorelai: Is that why you came back here? Are you still hung up on her Jess ? Is that why you came back?
Jess: No.
Lorelai: Good. Because she is over you. She has moved on and she is very happy.

Lorelai: So on a wigged-out level of one to ten, Mom is at-
Rory: Frances Farmer?
Lorelai: Yeah.

Lorelai: Who are Marjorie and Shawna?
Emily: Richard and Jason's secretaries. Dull girls, like two rolling pins sitting across from you, but we were desperate.

Speaker: The importance cannot be overstated. Language is humanity's lifeline. That is why I thank each and every one of you for your loyal support of the Ephram Wordus Rare Manuscript Acquisition Foundation. Because without it, we would just be stuck rooting around Nag Hammadi. [audience laughs]
Lorelai: Psst! I don't get it.
Rory: Me neither.
Lorelai: You go to Yale.
Rory: I skipped Obscure Manuscript Humor 101.
Lorelai: Hey, why was that funny?
Jason: No, no idea.
Lorelai: You were laughing.
Jason: Take a poll. No one in this room has any idea what this crazy old man is talking about.
Lorelai: What a bunch of poseurs.

Jason: How far do you think we can push this?
Lorelai: I'm not sure.
Jason: Dancing?
Lorelai: Possibly.
Jason: Stroll on the terrace?
Lorelai: Passable.
Jason: Making out in the coat-check room?
Lorelai: Oh, that's going to be tricky.