‘The One Where Emma Cries’ Quotes

902. The One Where Emma Cries
Aired October 3, 2002
After returning home from the hospital, Rachel worries she'll never get the hang of being a mother when she can't get Emma to stop crying. Meanwhile, Chandler falls asleep in a work meeting, and Joey and Ross end up back at the hospital.
Quote from Joey
Joey: Why are you so tired?
Chandler: I couldn't sleep last night. And then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting I have later today. The more I worried, the more I couldn't sleep. You know, and then I was, like, "If I fall asleep now, I'll get six hours' sleep. But if I fall asleep now, I'll get five hours' sleep." No matter what I did, I couldn't fall asleep.
Joey: You know what you should've done? You should have told yourself that little story.
Quote from Ross
Ross: No, I left the diapers at the hospital. There's some in the bag, but I'll run out and get some more.
Rachel: All right, thanks. Oh, Ross, could you stop at the coffeehouse and get me a muffin?
Ross: Oh, sure. What kind?
Rachel: Um, let me think. What do I want? What do I want?
Ross: Please, take your time. It's an important decision, not like say, I don't know, deciding to marry someone. This is about a muffin!
Quote from Phoebe
Monica: Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he?
Rachel: God, how long do you think that's gonna last?
Phoebe: Well, I don't know. He got over the "We were on a break" thing really quickly.
Quote from Phoebe
Monica: Oh, my God, I'm losing my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding. All right, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross!
Quote from Gunther
Ross: Hey, Gunther. Can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go?
Gunther: Diapers, huh?
Ross: Yep.
Gunther: So I guess Rachel had your baby?
Ross: Yep. Can you believe it?
Gunther: Nope. I can't even believe she slept with you in the first place.
Ross: Huh? Oh, you mean, like... Huh?
Quote from Joey
Joey: Hey. Ross, I know you're pissed at me, but we have to talk about this.
Ross: Uh, actually, we don't.
Joey: Fine. Okay. Fine. But I gotta say, technically, I didn't even do anything wrong.
Ross: What? You didn't do anything wrong?
Joey: I said I didn't technically.
Ross: Okay. Well, let's put aside the fact that you "accidentally" picked up my grandmother's ring and you "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.
Joey: Can I just stop you there for a second? When people do this [gesture for air quotes] I don't really know what that means.
Quote from Joey
Joey: You were saying?
Ross: And I could even understand that you couldn't tell Rachel. But why couldn't you tell me, huh? You had all day to, and you didn't.
Joey: I know. I should've. "I'm sorry."
Ross: Not using it right, Joe.
Joey: "I'm sorry."
Quote from Joey
Joey: Name? ... No, I know Ross. But what's it short for? You know, like Rossell. Or Rosstrophor.
Ross: Just Ross.
Joey: It's pretty.
Quote from Ross
Joey: Okay, date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure. May- tember?
Ross: October 18.
Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
Ross: Actually, I'm a paleon- Dinosaurs is fine. The drawing is not.
Quote from Chandler
Ms. McKenna: Okay, if everyone's on board, it's settled. Chandler? Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ms. McKenna: Are you on board?
Chandler: Yes.
Ms. McKenna: Well, then problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You're gonna love Oklahoma.
Quote from Phoebe
Rachel: You know what, I can't worry about it right now. Because I've got the cutie little baby. I can't believe how much I love her. I mean, I can't get enough of her. Like, right now? I miss her. I actually miss her.
Phoebe: You know, that's her?
Quote from Rachel
Ross: You said you'd marry Joey?
Rachel: Okay, you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional. I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time when you and I got married. I'm not helping.
Quote from Rachel
Rachel: Look, there's something every mother needs. A giant, stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment. What are people think- Oh, you guys, I love it.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: She's just so cute. I just want to bite her ear off and use it as a sucking candy.
Quote from Monica
Monica: But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket.
Quote from Phoebe
Monica: It breaks your heart, doesn't it?
Phoebe: It really does. How long do you think we have to stay?
Quote from Rachel
Rachel: Mon, what am I gonna do? It's been hours, and it won't stop crying.
Monica: She, Rach. Not it. She.
Rachel: Yeah. I'm not so sure.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: All right, you guys, we can't turn on each other, okay? That's just what she wants.
Quote from Phoebe
Chandler: Can I talk to you outside?
Rachel: Just stay here. I'm gonna check her diaper. Pheebs, you want to come?
Phoebe: I'm kind of part of this.
Chandler: Actually, Pheebs, it's more of a husband-and-wife kind of thing.
Phoebe: I knew I should've married Chandler.
Quote from Chandler
Monica: Okay, what's up?
Chandler: Okay. You know we always said it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? And you could study French cooking, and I could write and we could picnic along the Seine, and go wine-tasting in Bordeaux.
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. You know how people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
Monica: What? Who says that?
Chandler: People who have never been to Paris?
Monica: Well, what's going on?
Chandler: We're moving to Tulsa.
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Okay. Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss. She asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there. And I was sleeping and apparently said yes.
Monica: Tulsa, Oklahoma?
Chandler: The Sooner State. Whatever that is.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: Ma'am, do you have a minute? I kind of have some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa.
Ms. McKenna: What?
Chandler: Uh, it's a funny story, actually. I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning. So when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really know what I was saying.
Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?
Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting. Isn't that funny? Irony. Not a fan? All right. See, here's the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa, and she won't go. See me, I love Tulsa. Tulsa is heaven. Tulsa is Italy. Please don't make me go there.
Ms. McKenna: Chandler, l-
Chandler: No, look, Carol. Can I call you Carol? Why would I when your name is Elaine? What a great picture of your son. Strapping. That's a picture of your daughter, isn't it? Well, she's lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I'll call you from Tulsa.
Quote from Ross
Ross: You know what, you can go. I just have to fill out some forms.
Joey: You want me to help you with that?
Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my misshapen claw?
Quote from Joey
Joey: All right, who do you want as your emergency contact?
Ross: Rachel, I guess.
Joey: Okay. Relationship? Ooh, boy, this could take a while.
Quote from Ross
Ross: Just put roommate.
Joey: Come on. You guys are more than that. I mean, you're gonna get together, right?
Ross: I don't think that we are.
Joey: But you two are supposed to be together.
Ross: Well, I thought so too. But then she said she'd marry you.
Joey: Come on, Ross, that didn't mean anything. She'd just had the baby. She was all freaked out about doing it alone. She would have said yes to anybody.
Ross: Yeah, that's what she said.
Joey: So?
Ross: So I don't want to be just anybody.
Joey: Wow.
Ross: You know what? It's better this way anyway. I mean, I don't know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It's just much easier if we're just friends who have a kid.
Joey: Really?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: And you're okay with that?
Ross: Yes. I mean, that's what we always planned. And if you have a plan, you should stick to it.
That's why they call them plans. Hello? I'm fine.
Joey: Hey, for what it's worth with Rachel, I don't think you'll ever be just "anybody."
Ross: Hey, there you go.
Joey: "Thanks".
Quote from Phoebe
Monica: She's asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I have actual magical powers.
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again. I'm kidding.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Thankfully, you don't need me at all. So okay. Hey, super aunt? See you later. Rachel? Let's give it six to eight months.
Quote from Rachel
[Emma cries]
Ross: You want me to get that?
Rachel: No, that's really okay. Monica?
Monica: [emerging from the kitchen] Got it, got it, got it, got it.