TV Quotes

Joey: Why are you so tired?
Chandler: I couldn't sleep last night. And then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting I have later today. The more I worried, the more I couldn't sleep. You know, and then I was, like, "If I fall asleep now, I'll get six hours' sleep. But if I fall asleep now, I'll get five hours' sleep." No matter what I did, I couldn't fall asleep.
Joey: You know what you should've done? You should have told yourself that little story.

Ross: No, I left the diapers at the hospital. There's some in the bag, but I'll run out and get some more.
Rachel: All right, thanks. Oh, Ross, could you stop at the coffeehouse and get me a muffin?
Ross: Oh, sure. What kind?
Rachel: Um, let me think. What do I want? What do I want?
Ross: Please, take your time. It's an important decision, not like say, I don't know, deciding to marry someone. This is about a muffin!

Monica: Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he?
Rachel: God, how long do you think that's gonna last?
Phoebe: Well, I don't know. He got over the "We were on a break" thing really quickly.

Monica: Oh, my God, I'm losing my mind.
Phoebe: Yeah, no kidding. All right, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross!

Ross: Hey, Gunther. Can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go?
Gunther: Diapers, huh?
Ross: Yep.
Gunther: So I guess Rachel had your baby?
Ross: Yep. Can you believe it?
Gunther: Nope. I can't even believe she slept with you in the first place.
Ross: Huh? Oh, you mean, like... Huh?

Joey: Hey. Ross, I know you're pissed at me, but we have to talk about this.
Ross: Uh, actually, we don't.
Joey: Fine. Okay. Fine. But I gotta say, technically, I didn't even do anything wrong.
Ross: What? You didn't do anything wrong?
Joey: I said I didn't technically.
Ross: Okay. Well, let's put aside the fact that you "accidentally" picked up my grandmother's ring and you "accidentally" proposed to Rachel.
Joey: Can I just stop you there for a second? When people do this [gesture for air quotes] I don't really know what that means.

Joey: You were saying?
Ross: And I could even understand that you couldn't tell Rachel. But why couldn't you tell me, huh? You had all day to, and you didn't.
Joey: I know. I should've. "I'm sorry."
Ross: Not using it right, Joe.
Joey: "I'm sorry."

Joey: Name? ... No, I know Ross. But what's it short for? You know, like Rossell. Or Rosstrophor.
Ross: Just Ross.
Joey: It's pretty.

Joey: Okay, date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure. May- tember?
Ross: October 18.
Joey: Occupation? Dinosaurs.
Ross: Actually, I'm a paleon- Dinosaurs is fine. The drawing is not.

Ms. McKenna: Okay, if everyone's on board, it's settled. Chandler? Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah.
Ms. McKenna: Are you on board?
Chandler: Yes.
Ms. McKenna: Well, then problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You're gonna love Oklahoma.

Rachel: You know what, I can't worry about it right now. Because I've got the cutie little baby. I can't believe how much I love her. I mean, I can't get enough of her. Like, right now? I miss her. I actually miss her.
Phoebe: You know, that's her?

Ross: You said you'd marry Joey?
Rachel: Okay, you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional. I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time when you and I got married. I'm not helping.

Rachel: Look, there's something every mother needs. A giant, stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment. What are people think- Oh, you guys, I love it.

Phoebe: She's just so cute. I just want to bite her ear off and use it as a sucking candy.

Monica: But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket.

Monica: It breaks your heart, doesn't it?
Phoebe: It really does. How long do you think we have to stay?

Rachel: Mon, what am I gonna do? It's been hours, and it won't stop crying.
Monica: She, Rach. Not it. She.
Rachel: Yeah. I'm not so sure.

Phoebe: All right, you guys, we can't turn on each other, okay? That's just what she wants.

Chandler: Can I talk to you outside?
Rachel: Just stay here. I'm gonna check her diaper. Pheebs, you want to come?
Phoebe: I'm kind of part of this.
Chandler: Actually, Pheebs, it's more of a husband-and-wife kind of thing.
Phoebe: I knew I should've married Chandler.

Monica: Okay, what's up?
Chandler: Okay. You know we always said it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? And you could study French cooking, and I could write and we could picnic along the Seine, and go wine-tasting in Bordeaux.
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. You know how people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma?
Monica: What? Who says that?
Chandler: People who have never been to Paris?
Monica: Well, what's going on?
Chandler: We're moving to Tulsa.
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Okay. Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss. She asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there. And I was sleeping and apparently said yes.
Monica: Tulsa, Oklahoma?
Chandler: The Sooner State. Whatever that is.

Chandler: Ma'am, do you have a minute? I kind of have some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa.
Ms. McKenna: What?
Chandler: Uh, it's a funny story, actually. I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning. So when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really know what I was saying.
Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?
Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting. Isn't that funny? Irony. Not a fan? All right. See, here's the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa, and she won't go. See me, I love Tulsa. Tulsa is heaven. Tulsa is Italy. Please don't make me go there.
Ms. McKenna: Chandler, l-
Chandler: No, look, Carol. Can I call you Carol? Why would I when your name is Elaine? What a great picture of your son. Strapping. That's a picture of your daughter, isn't it? Well, she's lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I'll call you from Tulsa.

Ross: You know what, you can go. I just have to fill out some forms.
Joey: You want me to help you with that?
Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my misshapen claw?

Joey: All right, who do you want as your emergency contact?
Ross: Rachel, I guess.
Joey: Okay. Relationship? Ooh, boy, this could take a while.

Ross: Just put roommate.
Joey: Come on. You guys are more than that. I mean, you're gonna get together, right?
Ross: I don't think that we are.
Joey: But you two are supposed to be together.
Ross: Well, I thought so too. But then she said she'd marry you.
Joey: Come on, Ross, that didn't mean anything. She'd just had the baby. She was all freaked out about doing it alone. She would have said yes to anybody.
Ross: Yeah, that's what she said.
Joey: So?
Ross: So I don't want to be just anybody.
Joey: Wow.
Ross: You know what? It's better this way anyway. I mean, I don't know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It's just much easier if we're just friends who have a kid.
Joey: Really?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: And you're okay with that?
Ross: Yes. I mean, that's what we always planned. And if you have a plan, you should stick to it.
That's why they call them plans. Hello? I'm fine.
Joey: Hey, for what it's worth with Rachel, I don't think you'll ever be just "anybody."
Ross: Hey, there you go.
Joey: "Thanks".

Monica: She's asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I have actual magical powers.
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again. I'm kidding.

Phoebe: Thankfully, you don't need me at all. So okay. Hey, super aunt? See you later. Rachel? Let's give it six to eight months.

[Emma cries]
Ross: You want me to get that?
Rachel: No, that's really okay. Monica?
Monica: [emerging from the kitchen] Got it, got it, got it, got it.

Monica: All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?
Chandler: No. But they are going to lease us a Ford Focus.