‘The One with the Donor’
Season 9, Episode 22 - Aired May 8, 2003
After learning that they probably won't be able to conceive naturally, Chandler invites an attractive colleague home so he and Monica can assess his potential as a sperm donor. Meanwhile, Rachel and Phoebe help Charlie shop for clothes, and Ross has an interview which could lead to him giving the key note speech at a paleontology conference in Barbados.
Quote from Rachel
Charlie: Hey, there's Phoebe. Is that Mike she's with?
Rachel: No, that's David.
Charlie: There's a third guy?
Rachel: Tip of the iceberg.
Quote from Chandler
Monica: It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before I just realized I don't care if he is the most perfect guy in the world. He's not you.
Chandler: Yeah, he's better!
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.
Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it. Right now, somewhere out there our baby could be being conceived.
Chandler: Wait. If we're lucky, and we're really, really, really quiet we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: Hey, Zack.
Zack: Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
Zack: No, you didn't.
Chandler: Really?
Zack: No, you did.
Chandler: Yeah, well, my wife and I have some boundary issues. Sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it.
Jeanette: Here are the boards for Friday's pitch.
Zack: Thank you.
Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would you?
Quote from Rachel
Charlie:Oh, that feels so good.
Rachel: Oh, lucky me. Coffee and a live sex show.
Charlie: I'm sorry, what?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Nothing. I was just reading to Emma.
Charlie: From "Cosmo"?
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, it's: "Climax Your Way to Better Skin."
Quote from Joey
Charlie: So I have to go shopping today, which is my least favorite thing. I'm so bad at picking out clothes.
Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion to tell you what looks good.
Rachel: Not me. Not me. Not me.
Joey: Oh, hey, Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping?
Rachel: Oh, well-
Charlie: I'm sure you have better things to do.
Joey: You kidding? Rachel loves to shop, and she has great taste. Yeah, she's the one that taught me not to wear white after Labor Day and to always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Okay, great. All right, bye. Pain in the ass! That's off, right?
Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Ugh. Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight and he's gonna be there. She was like, "Oh, don't worry. I asked him and he's totally okay with seeing you." So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally okay with seeing him.
Rachel: Which you're not, because you're totally hung up on him.
Phoebe: Exactly.
Rachel: And you're going to want him to eat his heart out, so you're going to have to look fabulous.
Phoebe: I didn't even think about that. Ugh, sexual politics!
Quote from Joey
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, I'm taking Charlie shopping. Why don't you come and I'll help you find something.
Phoebe: Okay. That'd be great.
Joey: Oh, isn't that nice? The three of you, trying on slutty lingerie together.
Rachel: That's not what we're gonna do.
Joey: Why would you ruin it? Who was I hurting?
Quote from Chandler
Ross: Hey, guys. I wanted to ask you something. I may get to speak at this paleontology convention. And if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick.
Ross: It's in Barbados.
Chandler: But you come first.
Rachel: I'm there.
Quote from Chandler
Ross: So how did it go at the fertility clinic?
Chandler: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently, you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample.