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The One with the Fertility Test

‘The One with the Fertility Test’

Season 9, Episode 21 - Aired May 1, 2003

Monica and Chandler have an unexpected encounter at the fertility clinic. Meanwhile, Joey turns to Ross for advice on how to impress Charlie, and Phoebe urges Rachel not to visit a corporate massage chain.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: All right. Honey, my tests are down the hall. Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess.
Monica: Look, I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares. No one here even knows you.
Janice: Oh, my God!
Chandler: Oh, come on!


Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey, you guys. Look what I just got.
Rachel: Oh, wow. I love those. Where did you get them?
Phoebe: I bought them off eBay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.
Phoebe: Oh, then I overpaid.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hello, "ja". It's time for your massage, "ja"? Put your face in the hole.
Rachel: A Swedish massage from a real Swedish person.
Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish.
Rachel: So, what's your name?
Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name. Ikea.
Rachel: Wow. What an interesting name.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: You know, l-
Phoebe: Time for your scalp massage.
Rachel: Wow. I really love your-[gasps]
Phoebe: Is something wrong?
Rachel: No, it's just- It just feels so good, Ikea. Hey, say, you'll know this. What's the capital of Sweden?
Phoebe: Um ... Stockholm.
Rachel: Damn. I wish I knew if that was right.

Quote from Janice

Janice: Oh, someone's a little cranky today because they have to do it in a cup. [laughs] Oh, they gave you the kiddie size.
Chandler: What?
[Janice laughs]

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: All I'm saying is, I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
Ross: I don't know. They seemed to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils.
Phoebe: Wow. Joey and a professor. Can you imagine if they had kids? And if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism, those nerds would get laid!

Quote from Joey

Chandler: So a professor, huh?
Joey: Yeah. She is cool. And she's so smart. Her mind is totally acrimonious. ... Guess that's not how she used it.

Quote from Ross

Charlie: Actually, I'm a little surprised at myself. I mean, Joey's so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, intellectuals. Paleontologists mostly. You know, very cerebral-
Ross: Yeah, I know the type.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, if we want to grab a bite before work, we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close?

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Hey, what's this?
Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new spa in SoHo.
Monica: Well, you can't show Phoebe this. She hates those corporate massage chains.
Rachel: What, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of. I can't eat veal. I can't wear fur. I can't go hunting.
Monica: Do you want to go hunting?
Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option.

Quote from Monica

Monica: What do you wanna do tonight?
Chandler: Oh, well, maybe we could- [Chandler sweeps everything off the coffee table]
Monica: Okay, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience.

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