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‘The One with the Fertility Test’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Fertility Test

921. The One with the Fertility Test

Aired May 1, 2003

Monica and Chandler have an unexpected encounter at the fertility clinic. Meanwhile, Joey turns to Ross for advice on how to impress Charlie, and Phoebe urges Rachel not to visit a corporate massage chain.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: All right. Honey, my tests are down the hall. Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess.
Monica: Look, I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares. No one here even knows you.
Janice: Oh, my God!
Chandler: Oh, come on!

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Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey, you guys. Look what I just got.
Rachel: Oh, wow. I love those. Where did you get them?
Phoebe: I bought them off eBay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.
Phoebe: Oh, then I overpaid.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hello, "ja". It's time for your massage, "ja"? Put your face in the hole.
Rachel: A Swedish massage from a real Swedish person.
Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish.
Rachel: So, what's your name?
Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name. Ikea.
Rachel: Wow. What an interesting name.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: You know, l-
Phoebe: Time for your scalp massage.
Rachel: Wow. I really love your-[gasps]
Phoebe: Is something wrong?
Rachel: No, it's just- It just feels so good, Ikea. Hey, say, you'll know this. What's the capital of Sweden?
Phoebe: Um ... Stockholm.
Rachel: Damn. I wish I knew if that was right.

Quote from Janice

Janice: Oh, someone's a little cranky today because they have to do it in a cup. [laughs] Oh, they gave you the kiddie size.
Chandler: What?
[Janice laughs]

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: All I'm saying is, I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
Ross: I don't know. They seemed to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils.
Phoebe: Wow. Joey and a professor. Can you imagine if they had kids? And if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism, those nerds would get laid!

Quote from Joey

Chandler: So a professor, huh?
Joey: Yeah. She is cool. And she's so smart. Her mind is totally acrimonious. ... Guess that's not how she used it.

Quote from Ross

Charlie: Actually, I'm a little surprised at myself. I mean, Joey's so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, intellectuals. Paleontologists mostly. You know, very cerebral-
Ross: Yeah, I know the type.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, if we want to grab a bite before work, we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close?

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Hey, what's this?
Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new spa in SoHo.
Monica: Well, you can't show Phoebe this. She hates those corporate massage chains.
Rachel: What, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of. I can't eat veal. I can't wear fur. I can't go hunting.
Monica: Do you want to go hunting?
Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option.

Quote from Monica

Monica: What do you wanna do tonight?
Chandler: Oh, well, maybe we could- [Chandler sweeps everything off the coffee table]
Monica: Okay, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience.

Quote from Joey

Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. I can't wait to start exploring the city.
Joey: Well, if you need a tour guide.
Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun.
Joey: Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. Okay. What do you want to see first?
Charlie: Well, we could go see the Kronos Quartet at Avery Fisher Hall.
Joey: Okay.
Charlie: And, oh, there's a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.
Joey: I know.
Charlie: But first, I have to see the Met.
Joey: Okay, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, okay? You wanna see the Yankees.
Charlie: No. No, not the Mets. The Met. Singular.
Joey: Which one? They all suck.
Charlie: The museum.
Joey: I don't think so.

Quote from Phoebe

Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room.
Phoebe: Okay. Do we have to talk like that when they're not around?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: That woman can't know that I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful these massage chains are.
Receptionist: Then why do you work here?
Phoebe: Because it's good money. But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil, bloodsucking corporate machine.
Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work.
Phoebe: [whispers] Okay, are they listening?

Quote from Joey

Joey: Look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, funny, her body is so-
Ross: Get to the problem.
Joey: Right. She's just so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated. Combined. You know? And I just I don't want her to think I'm stupid.
Ross: Are you wearing two belts?
Joey: Hey, what do you know?

Quote from Ross

Ross: Oh, you should take her to the Met.
Joey: The Mets.
Ross: No, no, no. The Met. The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Joey: Oh, that's what she meant. You know what, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the "Muse," you know? Short for "museum" and avoid all the confusion.
Ross: Yeah, most days the place is packed with confused, angry baseball fans.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. How do I know they won't secretly videotape me and put it all over the Internet?
Monica: Because, honey, and I mean this in the sweetest way possible nobody's gonna wanna watch that.

Quote from Monica

Janice: [laughing] How great is this?
Monica: Eh. We're probably fertile. Let's go home.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Why are you here?
Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently-
Chandler: No, no, no. I mean, why? Why is she here?

Quote from Monica

Monica: This was fun. But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I'd love to stay but I've got a hot date.
Janice: Please go. Just let me know if you need a hand. [laughs]
Chandler: I think it just fell off.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly, and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself.
Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said?
Joey: No, no. My mouth says the words, my brain is thinking "monster trucks."

Quote from Joey

Ross: I gotta say, I'm really impressed you were able to memorize all this so quickly.
Joey: I'm an actor. I can memorize anything. Last week on "Days", I had to say: "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy."
Ross: Wow. What does that mean?
Joey: No idea. But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means, "You're going to get eaten by a bear."
Ross: ... Okay.

Quote from Janice

Chandler: Janice, you're not gone?
Janice: Oh. Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home, so this is like a vacation for him. [laughs]

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: You know what? I have a friend who's a masseuse.
Phoebe: Oh? "Ja", "ja"?
Rachel: "Ja". She's not very good, though.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And why do you think that is?
Rachel: I don't know. Maybe it's because she's got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar.
Phoebe: Ha ha. Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass.
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: You know it's me?
Rachel: Well, for like a half an hour. Man, you can lie about Sweden.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Why did you lie to me about working here?
Phoebe: Because I was ashamed, okay? I sold out for the cash. And they give me benefits, like medical and dental and a four-oh-wunk. But, you know, you pay a price. Now I'm this corporate stooge and punching a clock and, ugh, paying taxes!

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, how was the Met?
Charlie: The museum was amazing.
Ross: Yeah, Joey really knows his art, huh?
Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all this stuff to say and some of it didn't even make any sense.
Ross: What do you mean?
Charlie: Well, for one he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around.
Ross: Wait a minute. When you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right?
Charlie: No. No, we went to the left.
Ross: Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey.

Quote from Ross

Charlie: Well I'm thinking that maybe Joey isn't the right guy for me right now. You know, maybe I should be with someone I have more in common with. You know what I mean?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, but you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy. And sure, he doesn't know that much about art but you can always talk about that with someone else.
Charlie: I guess that's true.
Ross: I mean, if you think about it, the reason he memorized all that stuff was because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is.
Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus, he is hot!
Ross: That was gonna be my next argument.

Quote from Phoebe

Receptionist: Good morning, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Good morning, receptionist.
Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in Room 1.
Phoebe: "Rachel Green." Son of a bitch! She came back? Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassie!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: So, what is it? Is it? Is there a problem? Is there a problem with me, or with you?
Chandler: Actually, it's both of us.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Apparently, my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
Monica: Oh. Well, what does that mean?
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their Barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do.


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