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‘The One with the Donor’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Donor

922. The One with the Donor

Aired May 8, 2003

After learning that they probably won't be able to conceive naturally, Chandler invites an attractive colleague home so he and Monica can assess his potential as a sperm donor. Meanwhile, Rachel and Phoebe help Charlie shop for clothes, and Ross has an interview which could lead to him giving the key note speech at a paleontology conference in Barbados.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I still can't believe this. My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I've always tried so hard to be a good hostess.

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Quote from Monica

Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this. You can't just bring some random guy home and expect him to be our sperm donor.
Chandler: Okay. [hands Zack a drink] Zack.
Zack: Thanks. Do you have a coaster? I don't want to make a ring.
Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I can't believe my sperm have low motility. Because let me tell you, while I was growing up, they sure seemed to be in a hurry to get places.

Quote from Chandler

Dr. Connelly: Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great you never know, so keep having sex on a regular basis.
Chandler: Oh, damn it!
Monica: Don't worry. After a while, you'll tune it out.

Quote from Chandler

Dr. Connelly: Of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you could always adopt.
Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you, Dr. Connelly, but we don't think we want you to be our child. Wow. Talk about an inhospitable environment.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Hey, guys. Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference
Charlie: Chris Bailey?
Ross: Yeah, right. When was the last time he made a submission deadline for an abstract?
[Joey laughs with Ross and Charlie]
Ross: Why are you laughing?
Joey: Just seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist. It's fun.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Aside from adoption, the only other choice is insemination so we're talking about sperm donors.
Joey: Enough said. I'm there for you, man. Where is she, upstairs?

Quote from Joey

Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child, but there isn't one.
Joey: Come on, Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it.
Ross: What? [Joey whispers to Ross] What?! No! I'm not gonna give them Ben.

Quote from Phoebe

Sales Associate: Incentive for Men?
Phoebe: Ooh, I'll take some of that.
Rachel: Pheebs, that's for men.
Phoebe: Oh, I know. This way, when I go to the party later Mike will know I'm over him because I'm going to smell like another guy. Okay. Oh, good, I'm dating a Russian cabdriver. Seriously, does anyone buy this? I smell like beets.

Quote from Rachel

Charlie: So, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads in them. Where do you think those would be?
Rachel: Uh, on Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl".

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: Do you not like Charlie?
Rachel: She's okay. I don't know, I just don't get a really good vibe from her.
Phoebe: Why?
Rachel: I don't know. You know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart and tall, you know and just swept Joey off his feet. Nobody else has a chance.
Phoebe: Who else?
Rachel: Anybody. You. Me. You know, Monica's mom.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I brought a friend home for dinner. This is Zack from work.
Monica: Oh, of course. It's so nice to see you again, Zack.
Zack: You too.
Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before. But, boy, you're both polite.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: So Zack's pretty nice, huh?
Monica: Yeah, I guess.
Chandler: So how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his?
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors, and Zack may be the guy. I mean, look.
He's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic. I mean, he's sperm-tastic!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Chandler, this is crazy. Well, what did you even say to him? "Come up. Meet my wife.
Give us your sperm."
Chandler: No. I invited him to dinner so you'd get a chance to get to know him. I mean, if we go through a sperm bank, you never meet the guy, get to check him out.
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great. I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I think he'd be the way to go.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I'll go into that dressing room and talk. You stay here and see if you can hear me.
Rachel: Okay, great. Oh, thank God, I can't hear a word that you're saying.
Phoebe: I didn't say anything yet.
Rachel: Well, get back in there and talk.
Phoebe: I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.

Quote from Joey

Joey: What's up?
Ross: Well, I'm meeting with Professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker.
Joey: How's it going?
Ross: It could be better. He fell asleep.
Joey: What? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda.
Ross: Barbados.
Joey: Fine, I'll rent a car and drive.

Quote from Chandler

Zack: You guys have a great place here.
Chandler: Thanks. I'm crazy about our place. Hey, speaking of crazy do you have a history of mental illness in the family?
Zack: Uh, no. Although, I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis.
Chandler: That's really not the kind of thing we're looking for, Zack.

Quote from Monica

Zack: So tell me, how'd you guys meet?
Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes?
Zack: No.
Monica: Uh, heart disease? Alzheimer's? Gout?
Zack: You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh?

Quote from Chandler

Zack: This ravioli's delicious.
Chandler: I notice you're enjoying that ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?
Zack: No, I didn't.
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: We're teeth people, Zack.

Quote from David

Phoebe: What are you doing here?
David: Well, I'm back from Minsk. Permanently.
Phoebe: Well, what happened?
David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?
Phoebe: Yeah.
David: Well, after eight years of research, I discovered that ... that it can't be done.

Quote from Rachel

Charlie: Hey, there's Phoebe. Is that Mike she's with?
Rachel: No, that's David.
Charlie: There's a third guy?
Rachel: Tip of the iceberg.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before I just realized I don't care if he is the most perfect guy in the world. He's not you.
Chandler: Yeah, he's better!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.
Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it. Right now, somewhere out there our baby could be being conceived.
Chandler: Wait. If we're lucky, and we're really, really, really quiet we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Zack.
Zack: Hey, Chandler.
Chandler: Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
Zack: No, you didn't.
Chandler: Really?
Zack: No, you did.
Chandler: Yeah, well, my wife and I have some boundary issues. Sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it.
Jeanette: Here are the boards for Friday's pitch.
Zack: Thank you.
Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would you?


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