‘The One with the Donor’
Season 9, Episode 22 - Aired May 8, 2003
After learning that they probably won't be able to conceive naturally, Chandler invites an attractive colleague home so he and Monica can assess his potential as a sperm donor. Meanwhile, Rachel and Phoebe help Charlie shop for clothes, and Ross has an interview which could lead to him giving the key note speech at a paleontology conference in Barbados.
Quote from Monica
Monica: I still can't believe this. My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I've always tried so hard to be a good hostess.
Quote from Monica
Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this. You can't just bring some random guy home and expect him to be our sperm donor.
Chandler: Okay. [hands Zack a drink] Zack.
Zack: Thanks. Do you have a coaster? I don't want to make a ring.
Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: I can't believe my sperm have low motility. Because let me tell you, while I was growing up, they sure seemed to be in a hurry to get places.
Quote from Joey
Ross: Hey, guys. Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference
Charlie: Chris Bailey?
Ross: Yeah, right. When was the last time he made a submission deadline for an abstract?
[Joey laughs with Ross and Charlie]
Ross: Why are you laughing?
Joey: Just seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist. It's fun.
Quote from Joey
Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child, but there isn't one.
Joey: Come on, Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it.
Ross: What? [Joey whispers to Ross] What?! No! I'm not gonna give them Ben.
Quote from Phoebe
Sales Associate: Incentive for Men?
Phoebe: Ooh, I'll take some of that.
Rachel: Pheebs, that's for men.
Phoebe: Oh, I know. This way, when I go to the party later Mike will know I'm over him because I'm going to smell like another guy. Okay. Oh, good, I'm dating a Russian cabdriver. Seriously, does anyone buy this? I smell like beets.
Quote from Rachel
Charlie: So, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads in them. Where do you think those would be?
Rachel: Uh, on Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl".
Quote from Rachel
Phoebe: Do you not like Charlie?
Rachel: She's okay. I don't know, I just don't get a really good vibe from her.
Phoebe: Why?
Rachel: I don't know. You know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart and tall, you know and just swept Joey off his feet. Nobody else has a chance.
Phoebe: Who else?
Rachel: Anybody. You. Me. You know, Monica's mom.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: I brought a friend home for dinner. This is Zack from work.
Monica: Oh, of course. It's so nice to see you again, Zack.
Zack: You too.
Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before. But, boy, you're both polite.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: So Zack's pretty nice, huh?
Monica: Yeah, I guess.
Chandler: So how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his?
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors, and Zack may be the guy. I mean, look.
He's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic. I mean, he's sperm-tastic!