TV Quotes

Monica: I still can't believe this. My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I've always tried so hard to be a good hostess.

Monica: I'm not going to be a part of this. You can't just bring some random guy home and expect him to be our sperm donor.
Chandler: Okay. [hands Zack a drink] Zack.
Zack: Thanks. Do you have a coaster? I don't want to make a ring.
Monica: Tell me about yourself, Zack.

Chandler: I can't believe my sperm have low motility. Because let me tell you, while I was growing up, they sure seemed to be in a hurry to get places.

Dr. Connelly: Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great you never know, so keep having sex on a regular basis.
Chandler: Oh, damn it!
Monica: Don't worry. After a while, you'll tune it out.

Dr. Connelly: Of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you could always adopt.
Chandler: Is that a hint? Because we love you, Dr. Connelly, but we don't think we want you to be our child. Wow. Talk about an inhospitable environment.

Ross: Hey, guys. Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference
Charlie: Chris Bailey?
Ross: Yeah, right. When was the last time he made a submission deadline for an abstract?
[Joey laughs with Ross and Charlie]
Ross: Why are you laughing?
Joey: Just seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist. It's fun.

Chandler: Aside from adoption, the only other choice is insemination so we're talking about sperm donors.
Joey: Enough said. I'm there for you, man. Where is she, upstairs?

Chandler: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child, but there isn't one.
Joey: Come on, Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it.
Ross: What? [Joey whispers to Ross] What?! No! I'm not gonna give them Ben.

Sales Associate: Incentive for Men?
Phoebe: Ooh, I'll take some of that.
Rachel: Pheebs, that's for men.
Phoebe: Oh, I know. This way, when I go to the party later Mike will know I'm over him because I'm going to smell like another guy. Okay. Oh, good, I'm dating a Russian cabdriver. Seriously, does anyone buy this? I smell like beets.

Charlie: So, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads in them. Where do you think those would be?
Rachel: Uh, on Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl".

Phoebe: Do you not like Charlie?
Rachel: She's okay. I don't know, I just don't get a really good vibe from her.
Phoebe: Why?
Rachel: I don't know. You know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart and tall, you know and just swept Joey off his feet. Nobody else has a chance.
Phoebe: Who else?
Rachel: Anybody. You. Me. You know, Monica's mom.

Chandler: I brought a friend home for dinner. This is Zack from work.
Monica: Oh, of course. It's so nice to see you again, Zack.
Zack: You too.
Chandler: You guys haven't actually met before. But, boy, you're both polite.

Chandler: So Zack's pretty nice, huh?
Monica: Yeah, I guess.
Chandler: So how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his?
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors, and Zack may be the guy. I mean, look.
He's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic. I mean, he's sperm-tastic!

Monica: Chandler, this is crazy. Well, what did you even say to him? "Come up. Meet my wife.
Give us your sperm."
Chandler: No. I invited him to dinner so you'd get a chance to get to know him. I mean, if we go through a sperm bank, you never meet the guy, get to check him out.
Monica: Chandler.
Chandler: I'm telling you, he's great. I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I think he'd be the way to go.

Phoebe: I'll go into that dressing room and talk. You stay here and see if you can hear me.
Rachel: Okay, great. Oh, thank God, I can't hear a word that you're saying.
Phoebe: I didn't say anything yet.
Rachel: Well, get back in there and talk.
Phoebe: I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.

Joey: What's up?
Ross: Well, I'm meeting with Professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker.
Joey: How's it going?
Ross: It could be better. He fell asleep.
Joey: What? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda.
Ross: Barbados.
Joey: Fine, I'll rent a car and drive.

Zack: You guys have a great place here.
Chandler: Thanks. I'm crazy about our place. Hey, speaking of crazy do you have a history of mental illness in the family?
Zack: Uh, no. Although, I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis.
Chandler: That's really not the kind of thing we're looking for, Zack.

Zack: So tell me, how'd you guys meet?
Monica: Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes?
Zack: No.
Monica: Uh, heart disease? Alzheimer's? Gout?
Zack: You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh?

Zack: This ravioli's delicious.
Chandler: I notice you're enjoying that ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child?
Zack: No, I didn't.
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: We're teeth people, Zack.

Phoebe: What are you doing here?
David: Well, I'm back from Minsk. Permanently.
Phoebe: Well, what happened?
David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?
Phoebe: Yeah.
David: Well, after eight years of research, I discovered that ... that it can't be done.