TV Quotes

Ross: I just found out Elizabeth's dad wants to meet me.
Chandler: Wait a minute. Hold the phone. You're not Elizabeth's dad?

Ross: Come on, guys. I really want this guy to like me. It would really help me out if you guys could be here to make me look good.
Monica: Of course we'll help.
Ross: Thanks.
Monica: Yeah. We know how tough those parent-teacher conferences can be.

Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.
Ross: It's great to meet you, Paul.
Paul: I usually prefer that Liz's boyfriends address me as Mr. Stevens.
Ross: Of course. Mr. Stevens.
Paul: So, Ross what's your problem?
Ross: Excuse me?
Paul: Why can't you get a girlfriend your own age?
Ross: It's funny. ... Um, it's not funny.

Paul: I don't like you going out with my daughter, Ross.
Ross: Okay, I can see that. I think if you give me one chance, I can change your mind.
Paul: Okay.
Ross: What?
Paul: Okay. I'll give you one chance to change my mind. You've got one minute.
Elizabeth: Daddy.
Paul: Fine. Two minutes. Go.
[Ross stammers]
Paul: A minute and 50 seconds.
Ross: Okay. Um, I want you to know, I have never done anything like this before. I mean - I mean I've been in relationships in general. But I've never done it with a student. I mean, not.
Not "it." I mean, we haven't done "it." I mean- I mean we've done stuff. Okay. Okay. A joke. A joke. Lighten the mood. Two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Paul: I'm Irish.
Ross: And the lrish guy wins the joke.

Monica: Is there a Mrs. Stevens?
Chandler: There's a Mr. Bing!

Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly offered to take me.
Elizabeth: What a nice story.
Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.
Rachel: Wow, I definitely did not see that one backfiring. I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Ross: Yeah, take your time.

Paul: Don't worry about it. I just didn't realize you were married.
Rachel: Oh, we were, but that was just a- I mean, that was just a big drunken mistake.
Ross: You're back.
Paul: You two were married?
Rachel: Oh, whoops. I'm sorry. You were talking about Emily.

Monica: It is so strange seeing Ross here, this time of day because usually, well, he's at the children's hospital.
Phoebe: Yeah. But not looking for dates.

Joey: So where's C.H.E.E.S.E.?
Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here.
C.H.E.E.S.E.: Nice to meet you, Mac. [Joey laughs]
Joey: This is like the temporary robot, right?
Wayne: No. Why?
Joey: Well, I just thought it was gonna be, like, a really cool robot. Like the Terminator, or when I first saw you.
Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine. It's absolutely state of the art.
Joey: I'm sorry. It just doesn't really look like it can do anything.
Wayne: It can do this.

Ross: What are you guys doing later?
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.
Rachel: We do?
Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first.

Joey: So when do I meet the robot?
Producer: Why don't we do that right now? He's right here. Joey Tribbiani, this is-
Joey: Wow. He's so lifelike. It's unbelievable.
Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: How do you do there, buddy?

Phoebe: So you're Elizabeth's father? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.

Chandler: But Ross is a great guy. I was roommates with him in college. Ha, funny story- Your roommate in college died, didn't he?
Paul: A part of him did, yes.

Rachel: Sorry I'm late. But I am ready to talk you up. When is Liz's father getting here?
Paul: I'm already here.
Rachel: Ross is so great.

Chandler: Honey, you got the kind with the little girl. You said we were going to get the kind with the baby.
Monica: You said the baby creeps you out.
Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out.
Monica: You said, "the baby."
Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out?
Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out?

Joey: Anyway, it wasn't the robot. It was the guy who controls him. He doesn't like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich table right when I was reaching for one.
Phoebe: So why don't you just get him fired?
Joey: I may have to. I mean, I hate to do it. But I'm the star, you know? There's a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor.

Joey: Excuse me. Joey Tribbiani.
Estelle: Joe! I'm glad I found you. I got an audition for you.
Joey: Wow.
Estelle: The thing is, it's kind of on the q.t. The actor who has the part doesn't know he might be fired. It's the lead in a series. Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: I'm the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Estelle: Uh-oh.

Rachel: What's the big deal? So I kissed the guy?
Ross: He is my girlfriend's father. It's weird!
Rachel: Well, you dated my sister.
Ross: That was different.
Rachel: What? Why?
Ross: This is weird for me!

Rachel: Ross, look. This is good for you. Let's face it. So far the guy's not loving you. But I can turn that around. I've got the inside track. We could all go out to dinner. And I could talk you up. Plus, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer.
Ross: How is that important?
Rachel: Oh, it's important.

Monica: Fine. Then you know what? I will just write about Phyllis. "Phyllis is sitting in the chair."
Phoebe: I see what you're doing.
Monica: "Phyllis sees what I'm doing."
Phoebe: Oh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter.

Paul: I'm sorry I was so harsh. But you have to understand. I still look at Lizzie like she's a 12-year-old girl.
Ross: Yeah, you know what, I know what you mean. I do that, too.
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Ross: No, no. I don't mean see her as a 12-year-old girl. I mean, I have a son who is six and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul: You have a son?
Ross: Yeah, well, my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben. And just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms - as I'm sure you are with your wife. Oh! I'm sorry. It's unbelievable.

Phoebe: I know what time you said.
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: Well, actually I know what time Chester and Marsha said.
Monica: What time?
Phoebe: What an interesting turn of events. Suddenly it's my book to the rescue, huh? Let's see. Oh, very interesting. Well this certainly clears things up.
Chandler: What does it say?
Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.
Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. It's a great book and you are the queen of everything.
Phoebe: Thanks. So are you.
Chandler: I told you I should not wear this color.
Phoebe: All right. "Monica- Marsha and Chester are planning on seeing a movie Sunday night.
Marsha thinks they're supposed to meet at 6:00. Chester thinks it's at 7:00."
Chandler: So you knew we were gonna miss the movie?
Phoebe: That's right.
Monica: And instead of telling us, you decided to write it in your stupid book?
Phoebe: "Marsha and Chester are mad at Phyllis."

Joey: I can't believe I'm gonna lose this job.
Chandler: I'm so sorry, man. Is there anything I can do?
Joey: Yeah. Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard.

Wayne: Joey, I'll get you your job back if you help me out.
Joey: Why should I help you out?
Chandler: The reason he just said.
Joey: What do you need?

Wayne: Listen, I guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.
Joey: Oh, well, Wayne. It's not really something you can teach. It's pretty much something you're born with. ... You can teach it. I can show you right now.

Rachel: Well, if you think about it Ross did learn something from each marriage.
Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?
Rachel: Now, wait a minute. That's not fair. He was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was to Emily. He just didn't tell me. Maybe I have to pee again.

Phoebe: No, I'm just deciding which one to use. I'm going to start writing another book.
Rachel: Because the last one was such a big seller?
Phoebe: Well, if you must know, I have written 14 books. And as I'm the only one who has read them, l can tell you that they have all been very well received.

Phoebe: No, Joey, you're gonna be great.
Joey: But I gotta act with a robot and I don't know anything about technology. I can't even use Chandler's computer, except to find porn. And that's only because it's right there when you turn it on.
Monica: I think our lover's spat will start a little early this month.
Phoebe: [seductively, to Chandler] I'll be waiting.

Monica: Hey, Pheebs. How's the book writing going?
Phoebe: Really well. I'm up to page 47.
Monica: Wow. What are you writing?
Phoebe: Page numbers.

Rachel: Oh, wait. And "On the 19th, a secret crush announces itself." [Phoebe flirts at Chandler]

Paul: Well, what can I say? This doesn't make me like you more.
Ross: That's okay. I'm not so crazy about myself right now either.
Paul: Then we agree?
Ross: I guess so.
Paul: Neither of us like Ross.
Elizabeth: I like Ross.
Ross: Oh. Kids.