‘The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS’
Season 5, Episode 4 - Aired October 15, 1998
After Joey lands a job on a PBS telethon, Phoebe reveals that she hates PBS and accuses Joey of a painting a selfish act as a good deed. Meanwhile, Chandler gets a big head when he hears that Monica's new partner is the best sex she's ever had, and Ross tries to work things out with Emily.
Quote from Chandler
[Chandler enters the apartment with a bottle of wine]
Chandler: I'm so glad you guys are all here. My office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper.
Quote from Monica
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no. No, no. Vomit tux.
Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.
Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on- You know what. What you up to, Joe?
Quote from Joey
Joey: They're doing this telethon thing on TV. And my agent got me a job as co-host.
Monica: That's great.
Joey: A little good deed for PBS, plus some TV exposure. Now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do.
Quote from Joey
Joey: I'm sorry, Phoebe. I wanted to do a good deed, like you did with the babies.
Phoebe: This isn't a good deed. You just want to get on TV. This is totally selfish.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about you having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish!
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said "the deal with Santa Claus," you meant?
Joey: That he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Right.
Quote from Chandler
Rachel: So, Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?
Chandler: Yeah, she might have mentioned him.
Rachel: So, Mon, when are we going to meet this new, secret waiter man?
Monica: He's really shy. I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
Rachel: I don't care. I want to meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had.
Chandler: Really? That's what you heard? You said that?
Monica: I might have.
Chandler: Why is that funny? Because I'm very happy for him. And you. You lucky dog.
Quote from Joey
Producer: This'll be your phone.
Joey: That's great. But I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.
Quote from Joey
Joey: You don't seem to understand. I was Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Producer: Well, here's your phone, doctor.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: Hey, Monica. Can I ask you a cooking question?
Monica: Sure.
Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that that mean that your new, secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?
Rachel: Chandler! Is he?
Quote from Ross
Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel any more. She's one of your best friends.
Monica: Yeah. But he can't exactly not see Emily, that's his wife.
Chandler: That's true.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since high school and you cannot just cut her out of your life.
Chandler: That's true.
Monica: You cannot.
Ross: Thanks for the help. Problem solved.