‘The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS’
Season 5, Episode 4 - Aired October 15, 1998
After Joey lands a job on a PBS telethon, Phoebe reveals that she hates PBS and accuses Joey of a painting a selfish act as a good deed. Meanwhile, Chandler gets a big head when he hears that Monica's new partner is the best sex she's ever had, and Ross tries to work things out with Emily.
Quote from Ross
Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York. And she said yes.
Monica: Great.
Ross: No, no, no. Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.
Monica: What? You can't- What did you tell her?
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am l supposed to make this decision? [silence] I'm actually asking you.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Hey, Joey. I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.
Joey: What? What good is that going to do anybody?
Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy, and I am definitely not.
Joey: You know, the bee probably died after he stung you.
Phoebe: Damn it!
Quote from Phoebe
Ross: That's it. I cannot make this decision. It is too difficult. So I am just going to leave it entirely up to the gods of fate.
Monica: A Magic 8 Ball? You can't make this decision with a toy.
Phoebe: Oh, it's not a toy.
Quote from Monica
Ross: Okay, then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball should I never see Rachel again? "Ask Again Later." Later is not good enough! "Ask Again Later." What the hell? This is broken. It is broken.
Monica: All right, let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? "Don't Count On lt." Seems like it works to me.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.
Joey: Two hundred dollars? You sure, Pheebs? I mean after what Sesame Street did to you?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them, but I also know they bring happiness to lots of kids whose moms didn't kill themselves. So by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there. A selfless good deed.
Joey: And you don't feel good about donating the money?
Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.
Joey: A hamster? Those things are, like, $10.
Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: Oh, look. Joey's on TV. Isn't that great? Hey, my pledge got Joey on TV. Oh, that makes me feel so- Oh, no!
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain, and by that time, I was living in a box. I didn't have keys.
Quote from Monica
Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
Rachel: That's great!
Chandler: Yes.
Ross: In London.
Monica: What?
Ross: She wants me to move to London.
Monica: But you live here. You know that.
Quote from Ross
Ross: Hey! Guess what?! We're moving to London! Yay!
Susan: Who's going to London?
Carol: Nobody's going to London.
Ross: Oh, um, [in a British accent], welcome to London, governor. Right, right. It'll be great because we'll have Big Ben and little Ben in the same city. Ooh-ooh! [to Ben] Hey, go pack! [Ben runs off] See? See, he wants to go.
Susan: Yeah, we leave all our big decisions to the 3-year-old.
Ross: Come on, come on. It'll be just like Three's Company only- Only there's a kid and my wife and- And you're the gay ones.
Quote from Monica
Monica: Come in. I've been waiting for you.
Rachel: Hi, I just-
Monica: Argh. Oh, my God. Monica.
Monica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I was, I was taking a nap.
Rachel: Since when do you take naps in that position? Oh, God, Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy. Please tell me you were waiting for a guy.
Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!
Rachel: That cute waiter guy from your restaurant? The one that looks like a nonthreatening Ray Liotta?
Monica: Aha. That one.