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‘The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

504. The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

Aired October 15, 1998

After Joey lands a job on a PBS telethon, Phoebe reveals that she hates PBS and accuses Joey of a painting a selfish act as a good deed. Meanwhile, Chandler gets a big head when he hears that Monica's new partner is the best sex she's ever had, and Ross tries to work things out with Emily.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Maybe Joey's right and all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. Because I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!

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Quote from Joey

Joey: That's because all people are selfish.
Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?
Joey: Are you calling you people?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I can't believe I can't find a selfless good deed. You know that old guy that lives next to me? I snuck over there and raked up the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me, and he force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Hello, Chandler. I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.
Chandler: Oh, that was yours? Yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.
Monica: Williams-Sonoma, fall catalog, page 27.
Chandler: Expect it in 4 to 6 weeks.

Quote from Ross

Monica: It's just Joey and Ross.
Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Joey: Well, we were, but Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out.
Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!

Quote from Ross

Joey: He's talking to London.
Monica: Oh, good. Did he get in touch with Emily?
Joey: No, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.
Ross: I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit.
Joey: Ross. Way to suck up to the family.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Oh, PBS.
Monica: What's wrong with PBS?
Phoebe: Oh, what's right with them?
Joey: Why don't you like PBS, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Because right after my Mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, personally. I just thought that it would make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, because they were so nice when I was a little kid. No one ever wrote back.
Chandler: Well, you know, a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain, and by that time, I was living in a box. I didn't have keys.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel good, right?
Phoebe: Yeah, so?
Joey: It made you feel good so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds. Sorry.
Phoebe: Yes, there are totally good deeds that are selfless.
Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's- You know, there's- No, you may not!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I'm going to find a selfless good deed. I'm going to beat you, you evil genius!

Quote from Ross

Ross: I bet if I talked to Carol and Susan I could convince them to move to London with Ben.
Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife would be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.
Ross: It could happen.

Quote from Ross

Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York. And she said yes.
Monica: Great.
Ross: No, no, no. Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.
Monica: What? You can't- What did you tell her?
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am l supposed to make this decision? [silence] I'm actually asking you.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey, Joey. I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.
Joey: What? What good is that going to do anybody?
Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy, and I am definitely not.
Joey: You know, the bee probably died after he stung you.
Phoebe: Damn it!

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: That's it. I cannot make this decision. It is too difficult. So I am just going to leave it entirely up to the gods of fate.
Monica: A Magic 8 Ball? You can't make this decision with a toy.
Phoebe: Oh, it's not a toy.

Quote from Monica

Ross: Okay, then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball should I never see Rachel again? "Ask Again Later." Later is not good enough! "Ask Again Later." What the hell? This is broken. It is broken.
Monica: All right, let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? "Don't Count On lt." Seems like it works to me.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.
Joey: Two hundred dollars? You sure, Pheebs? I mean after what Sesame Street did to you?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them, but I also know they bring happiness to lots of kids whose moms didn't kill themselves. So by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there. A selfless good deed.
Joey: And you don't feel good about donating the money?
Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.
Joey: A hamster? Those things are, like, $10.
Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, look. Joey's on TV. Isn't that great? Hey, my pledge got Joey on TV. Oh, that makes me feel so- Oh, no!

Quote from Monica

Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
Rachel: That's great!
Chandler: Yes.
Ross: In London.
Monica: What?
Ross: She wants me to move to London.
Monica: But you live here. You know that.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey! Guess what?! We're moving to London! Yay!
Susan: Who's going to London?
Carol: Nobody's going to London.
Ross: Oh, um, [in a British accent], welcome to London, governor. Right, right. It'll be great because we'll have Big Ben and little Ben in the same city. Ooh-ooh! [to Ben] Hey, go pack! [Ben runs off] See? See, he wants to go.
Susan: Yeah, we leave all our big decisions to the 3-year-old.
Ross: Come on, come on. It'll be just like Three's Company only- Only there's a kid and my wife and- And you're the gay ones.


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