‘The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS’
Season 5, Episode 4 - Aired October 15, 1998
After Joey lands a job on a PBS telethon, Phoebe reveals that she hates PBS and accuses Joey of a painting a selfish act as a good deed. Meanwhile, Chandler gets a big head when he hears that Monica's new partner is the best sex she's ever had, and Ross tries to work things out with Emily.
Quote from Phoebe
Rachel: Maybe Joey's right and all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. Because I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!
Quote from Joey
Joey: That's because all people are selfish.
Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?
Joey: Are you calling you people?
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: I can't believe I can't find a selfless good deed. You know that old guy that lives next to me? I snuck over there and raked up the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me, and he force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!
Quote from Chandler
Monica: Hello, Chandler. I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.
Chandler: Oh, that was yours? Yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.
Monica: Williams-Sonoma, fall catalog, page 27.
Chandler: Expect it in 4 to 6 weeks.
Quote from Ross
Monica: It's just Joey and Ross.
Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Joey: Well, we were, but Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out.
Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!
Quote from Ross
Joey: He's talking to London.
Monica: Oh, good. Did he get in touch with Emily?
Joey: No, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.
Ross: I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit.
Joey: Ross. Way to suck up to the family.
Quote from Chandler
Phoebe: Oh, PBS.
Monica: What's wrong with PBS?
Phoebe: Oh, what's right with them?
Joey: Why don't you like PBS, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Because right after my Mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, personally. I just thought that it would make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, because they were so nice when I was a little kid. No one ever wrote back.
Chandler: Well, you know, a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel good, right?
Phoebe: Yeah, so?
Joey: It made you feel good so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds. Sorry.
Phoebe: Yes, there are totally good deeds that are selfless.
Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's- You know, there's- No, you may not!
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: I'm going to find a selfless good deed. I'm going to beat you, you evil genius!
Quote from Ross
Ross: I bet if I talked to Carol and Susan I could convince them to move to London with Ben.
Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife would be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.
Ross: It could happen.