Daphne: Oh, how sweet. Your fan knitted you a scarf.
Frasier: Yes, but when did she find the time to put it in my briefcase. I haven't had it out of my hand all day, except for when I was in the barber's chair.
Martin: Hell, that didn't give her more than thirty seconds.

Frasier: Yes, well I'm sorry. It's not like I'm nominated for a SeaBea every year. Oh, wait a minute, yes it is!
Niles: Well as some illustrious person once said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

Niles: She has the handwriting of a sociopath.
Frasier: Oh, she does not.
Niles: Big loops.
Daphne: That's exactly how Scotland Yard caught "The Butcher of Brighton". He used big loops, a clear sign of anger. And he crossed his t's in a downward stroke indicating aggression. Of course, he also kept a Demitasse saucer full of eyelids on his night table. [Daphne leaves the room]
Frasier: Anybody here besides me think we should put a two-way lock on her door?

Cindy: Who are these people?
Frasier: This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, my father, Martin, and his home care specialist, Daphne Moon.
Daphne: Goodness. You've seen quite a bit of mayhem in your day.
Cindy: Excuse me?
Daphne: Well, you see, I can sense these things. I'm a bit psychic. Ooh, wait, I'm getting a flash now. Did you have a grandfather with a steel plate in his head?
Cindy: [to Frasier] This lunatic who's been calling you - any particular accent?

Roz: Be careful out there. There's a lot of creeps.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, I hate that word "creeps". I've met a lot of odd people in this business and I never refer to any of them as a "creep".
Bulldog: Hey, Roz, will you stop wearing those corduroys? I can't see your pantyline.
Frasier: Although some people do send me groping for synonyms.

Caller: "I don't understand it, Doc. I'm a successful guy. I have my own car dealership, but still I'm depressed. You've probably heard of me, Madman Martinez."
Frasier: Well, what seems to be the source of your depression Madman?
Caller: "I guess it's just that business is down. I don't know why. I slashed prices this week. Right now, I got an '88 Olds Cutlass on the lot in rare turquoise metallic, Cordoba roof, leather, factory year"-
Frasier: Madman.
Caller: "And that's nothing compared to the six brand new Supras I got in. They're priced to sell with a 20% discount to all your listeners. People say to me, 'Madman, you're crazy!', but I say, 'Hey, I deal in volume!'"
Frasier: [turning the volume down on the line] Fortunately, so do I. Well, that's about all the time we have today, folks. Stay tuned for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe after these paid commercial messages.

Frasier: Thank you Roz. Whom do we have?
Roz: On line one we have a shoplifter from Bainbridge and then line two is your number one fan.
Frasier: Oh, Kari?
Roz: Mmm-hmm, for the fourth time this week. Why don't you let me get rid of her? All she ever does is gush and tell you how wonderful you are.
Frasier: And this hurts me how?

Niles: Oh, Frasier, that reminds me. I'm afraid Maris won't be able to make your SeaBea awards tomorrow night.
Frasier: Well color me surprised. Any particular reason?
Niles: Yes. This time it's a good one. She's very upset about her manicurist. The woman's being doing Maris' nails for years now and sadly she was just taken critically ill.
Daphne: Oh dear. How bad is she?
Niles: Well, she'll be fine once she finds another manicurist. Until then, she's curtailing all public appearances.

Niles: Frasier and I are going to the opera. We're seeing "Der fliegende Hollander". Oh, don't forget, the tickets are in your briefcase. I can hear that first aria already
Martin: Don't, Niles. You'll start singing it, then I'll start singing it, and I won't be able to get it out of my head.

Martin: Well, if you ask me, it's probably nothing but there are some weirdo's out there so just keep your eyes open.
Frasier: Dad, she's not a weirdo. She's just a woman who finds me utterly fascinating.
Niles: And the distinction would be?