Roger: "Well, I had a really good year, so I decided, hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted, a 48ft cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me, 300 grand. Not to mention the $20,000 for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem: My wife wants to call this incredible vessel 'Lullubelle', after her mother. 'Lullubelle!' So, I say no, we call it 'The Intrepid'. So, what do you think it should be called, 'Lullubelle' or 'The Intrepid'?"
Frasier: Roger. At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the "tunneling electron microscope." Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Frasier: Hello, Doug, this is Dr Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Doug: "Yeah, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. I mean, she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere. I mean, she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it is very frustrating."
Frasier: Doug, I'm sorry. Can we just go back for a second? You said your mother "literally" hangs around the house. I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine, but what you mean to say is she figuratively hangs around the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey. Now back to your problem.
Doug: "Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?"
Frasier: Oh, not at all.
Doug: "I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes who nitpick your grammar when you come to them for help. That's what I've got a problem with."
Frasier: I think what he means is, "That is a thing with which he has a problem."

Daphne: Oh, how sweet. Your fan knitted you a scarf.
Frasier: Yes, but when did she find the time to put it in my briefcase. I haven't had it out of my hand all day, except for when I was in the barber's chair.
Martin: Hell, that didn't give her more than thirty seconds.

Frasier: Yes, well I'm sorry. It's not like I'm nominated for a SeaBea every year. Oh, wait a minute, yes it is!
Niles: Well as some illustrious person once said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

Niles: She has the handwriting of a sociopath.
Frasier: Oh, she does not.
Niles: Big loops.
Daphne: That's exactly how Scotland Yard caught "The Butcher of Brighton". He used big loops, a clear sign of anger. And he crossed his t's in a downward stroke indicating aggression. Of course, he also kept a Demitasse saucer full of eyelids on his night table. [Daphne leaves the room]
Frasier: Anybody here besides me think we should put a two-way lock on her door?