Roz: Hasn't he found a place yet?
Frasier: No, no. He's sublet his apartment at the Montana. He has to find something furnished. There just aren't many out there. Still, he's looking every day.
Roz: Not yesterday.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Roz: I saw him outside the Varsity waiting in line for "Lawrence Of Arabia."
Frasier: Well, that's impossible, he told me he had appointments all day.
Roz: Frasier, I know Niles when I see him. How often do people go to the movies with their own seat cushion?

Daphne: Where's my jar of Bovril?
Niles: No, I wasn't. ... Oh, the meat paste. Well, I threw it out, it smelled rancid.
Daphne: Well, that's how it's supposed to smell. It's English.

Martin: Niles, are you there?
Niles: [into intercom] Yes, Dad. [to Frasier] You can't blame me for the housing market. This is a simple apartment!
Martin: I'm in some room with a lot of books but it doesn't have a bathroom.
Niles: Oh, that's the library, not the study. Go down the hall, make a left.
Frasier: Well, this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt you. You must admit it's a bit large for one person.
Niles: Oh, don't forget I have a pet.
Frasier: Are you telling my that your bird requires both a study and a library?
Niles: All right, I will return the Noel Coward pen, but this is my home. This is a basic necessity.
Martin: [on intercom] Okay, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again. I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper.
Niles: That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the stairs.
Martin: The only stairs I can find go up.
Frasier: You have a third floor?
Niles: It's practically a crawl space. [into intercom] Go out the door to the left. [to Frasier] Don't look at me like that. I have to have a roof over my head.
Frasier: Niles, you have three roofs over your head.

Martin: [enters with aspirin] Here you go. You can get your own glass of water.
Niles: This aspirin's expired.
Martin: Well, it wasn't when I found it.

Frasier: Off for another day apartment hunting?
Niles: Yes. Yes. I only hope I see as many as I saw yesterday, covered the
whole waterfront.
Frasier: Ah, well. Then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike?
Niles: Yes, I think so.
Frasier: White with blue trim? Right next to the market, couple of flags upfront.
Niles: Yes, yes, yes. It looks nice from the outside but it's completely unsuitable for living in.
Frasier: Oh, yes, I imagine so, seeing as it's a Chevron station.

Niles: Oh, dear. The sound of that rain's going to keep me up all night.
Frasier: I'm amazed you can hear it over there in mission control.
Niles: Do you mind if I close the window?
Frasier: Not at all.
Niles: Ah, much better. [Niles turns on a tape]
Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about? That's just more rain noise.
Niles: No, it's much more than rain. This is all the sounds of the Brazilian rain forest. Does it bother you?
Frasier: No. Go to bed.
[A bird's screeching is heard on the tape]
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles!

Martin: You know where we should go tonight? Frannie's Fish & Chips.
Frasier: Dad, we're taking Niles out to boost his spirits, not his cholesterol.
Martin: Oh please, that French food that you guys eat is full of butter and cheese.
Frasier: Yes, but at least it's not made by a woman working a deep fryer in a batter-dipped brassiere.

Niles: Hello?
Frasier: Niles, do not hang up on me! We know what's going on! We're right behind you.
Niles: All right, I was afraid this would happen. I was petrified someone I knew would see me driving this humiliating car. It looks like some buggy derailed from a carnival ride, except that this has no safety features.

Frasier: Oh, Niles, you're worrying over nothing. What kind of person judges you by the sort of car you drive?
Niles: Mitzie Gill.
Frasier: Oh yes, she might, she drives a Bentley.
Niles: She's parking on the corner, she'll see me!
[Niles brakes suddenly. He hits his head on the dashboard and falls down]
Martin: Is everyone all right?
Niles: Dad, come quickly, I need your help.
Martin: Oh, my God. What is it?
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.

Niles: Oh, my shoulder is killing me.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, did you bang into the steering wheel?
Niles: No, I've been parallel parking all week without power steering.