Niles: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
Frasier: Well, what do you lawyers tell you?
Niles: Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal bills.

Frasier: You know, if this siege is going to continue you might have to tighten your belt a bit. Perhaps we should make up a list of your expenses.
Niles: All right. Oh, no, no. But not with that pen. That once belonged to Noel Coward. I just purchased it.
Frasier: Well, it is stunning, Niles, but you know if you're going to be economizing perhaps you'll have to forego the decorative antique pens.
Niles: Could we at least review my list before making any drastic decisions?
Frasier: Very well.
Niles: That's my rent. That's insurance.
Frasier: You pay that much in rent?
Niles: Well, that includes the building newsletter.

Martin: All right, now I'm stuck. How do I get down? There's a bookcase blocking my way.
Niles: Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad.
Martin: How do I open it?
Niles: Just poke "Mrs. Dalloway" on the bottom.
Martin: What?
Niles: The yellow book on the lower shelf.

Frasier: Dad, what is it with you? You could barely stay awake during dinner.
Martin: Oh, you'd feel the same way if you shared a room with Niles. All night long, up and down, shifting and
tucking.
Frasier: Well, if it's really annoying you that much, I'll just move his cot into my room. At least one member of this family can show some compassion.
Martin: Well, good luck. Last night I got up and went to the bathroom, when I came back he'd made my bed.

Frasier: Will you be much longer?
Niles: Almost done.
Frasier: I only ask because Roz and I have this very important job interview tomorrow, I'd like to be well rested. You've been in there for twenty minutes!
Niles: No, I haven't. [a ding is heard] Now I have. You should try this marvelous new facial feel, it's like getting ten years back.
Frasier: What about the last half hour?

Frasier: You saw nothing. Nothing yesterday. Probably nothing in the last two weeks. You've been going to the movies.
Niles: That is an outrageous lie.
Frasier: Roz saw you and your seat cushion.
[Niles holds his finger up to his nose, in case he gets one of his dishonesty-induced nose bleeds]

Frasier: All right, Niles. Well, listen, today I am going with you. It may be the only way you ever find a place.
Niles: Oh, you make it sound as if I plan to stay with you forever.
Frasier: Well, I did notice you put a bottle of '93 Pichon-Baron on the grocery list last night.
Niles: So?
Frasier: That wine's not even drinkable for two years.

Frank: And we got a rec room, too. And did you see the hot tub?
Niles: If you referring to that six-man petri dish, yes.

Frasier: Well, let's have a look at this closet space, shall we?
Frank: Oh sorry, I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this stuff up. Well, help yourself.
Niles: This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address?
Frank: Uh, he left a note, but... no. No address.

Frasier: Niles, listen, I know this isn't what you had in mind but we have scoured the city. I'm afraid this is the only thing we're gonna find.
Niles: Well, I want to keep looking, there's no rush.
Frasier: Well, actually...
Niles: What?
Frasier: Well, Niles...
Niles: Oh. You want me to move out. I've overstayed my welcome, I see.
Frasier: No, it's just that it's time for you to understand that your circumstances have changed. You're going to have to adapt.
Niles: I don't want to adapt. I want to go home.
Frasier: Niles... you are home.
Niles: Well. Where are my manners? Can I get you some toast?