Niles: Well, Safford is clearly irrational. Recently, he wandered off. They found him two days later riding across Wyoming in a boxcar full of bums. He's taken to selling off property for half its worth. And, most damning of all, when I went over to evaluate him, he continually referred to me as "Sparky."
Frasier: I don't know, Niles, you always wanted to have a nickname. You remember your campaign to have the string section of the youth orchestra call you "Rocky?"
Niles: It would have worked, too, if Tilly Farraday hadn't pinned me to the ground with her trombone when I rebuked her for neglecting to clean her spit valve.

Frasier: Roz, why is that light still on? Is that Beth who I was talking to?
Roz: No.
Frasier: Yes, it is.
Roz: No, it isn't.
Frasier: I'm sure it is.
Roz: It is not.
Frasier: Have you been talking to Beth?
Roz: Of course not. What do you think, I'm giving advice to your callers? Oh, Frasier, you are so paranoid. The world is full of enemies. Everybody's plotting against you. There's a man in a dark trench coat right behind you.
Frasier: Ho ho, very droll.
John Giroux: Dr. Crane? [Frasier jumps] I'm John Giroux.

Roz: I don't care what Dr. Crane said. You start talking to your husband and he'll start covering his tracks. Get a detective now.
Frasier: [clearing his throat] You were talking to my last caller.
Roz: I swear, it's the first and last time. I will never do it again.
Frasier: I hope not.
[After Frasier walks out:]
Roz: Thanks for holding, Bill, I'm listening.

Frasier: I don't believe I've ever seen a fire pole in a home before.
Mr. Safford: Oh, it saves a lot of time. Except for going up, of course.
Frasier: And, uh, the hat?
Mr. Safford: Oh, it's just for laughs. Oh, try it on.
Frasier: Well, no, I don't think I should.
Mr. Safford: Oh, come on!
[Frasier relents and puts the hat on his head]
Frasier: I guess it is sort of fun, isn't it?
Mr. Safford: Not on you.

Frasier: Well, he also informed me that you recently indulged in an unorthodox, not to mention hazardous mode of travel.
Mr. Safford: That pompous weenie. That's exactly how he would put it.
Frasier: Well, actually, that was my wording.
Mr. Safford: Well, I hopped a freight. Rode the rails.
Frasier: You know, why not just purchase a ticket and ride in a club car?
Mr. Safford: Where's the adventure in that? I'm 78. Someday I'll be too old to jump off a moving train. No, you gotta live out your fantasies while you can. Do you understand that?

Frasier: Dad, are you going to watch something now?
Martin: Yeah, the championship fight. But don't worry, I'm using my earphones, I won't bother anyone.
Daphne: Oh, you've already been a bother. Making me hide the sports section so he won't see it. Making me turn the news off because they might say who won.
Frasier: I don't understand.
Martin: Well, the fight was last night. It was on Pay TV. But one of my police buddies has a pirate antenna, so he taped it and they messengered one to me in an envelope marked "Official Business."
Frasier: Another inspiring tale of our men in law enforcement.

Niles: You couldn't stand that I had a high-profile case, could you? So you had to butt in!
Frasier: I just don't want you to make a fool of yourself. These people came to me, they asked for my expertise.
Niles: Ha! They were undoubtedly exploiting your dubious celebrity.
Frasier: Of which you are jealous and, I fear, the reason you took this case.
Niles: That is flatly untrue. I took the case to help the family.
Frasier: And to be on television!
Niles: I don't give a hoot about television!
Martin: Well, some of us do!

Niles: This from Mr. Quick-Fix, the master of the in-depth, one-minute phone call diagnosis.

Frasier: And if you had an ounce of self-awareness you would realize that your diagnosis was colored by your zeal to put your face in front of that camera. Oh, by the way, your medication is rubbing off on your collar.

Frasier: My apologies, your honor. Mr. Safford and I were discussing a very sizable donation he intends to make later today to a very worthy cause. I guess his enthusiasm just got the best of him. But, it is this very generosity that his son finds so objectionable. That, and the fact that he did hop a freight train across the country. But, you see, what he sees as unstable, I see as romantic.
[A train whistle blows]
Frasier: I- I don't suppose there's a railroad track outside the courtroom?
[The judge shakes his head. Frasier turns to see Mr. Safford blowing into a wooden whistle.]