Niles: These feeble attempts to undermine my confidence are futile. The testimony I've prepared is nothing short of brilliant. I cite half a dozen studies of gerontology. I quote everything from the Bible to Herodotus. I deftly interweave humor with pathos. You may want to take notes.

Frasier: Your honor, I would not presume to bore the court with a recitation of dry statistics, gerontology studies, obscure literary references. Instead, I intend to speak from the heart. I worry about a
society that has chosen to define normalcy in such narrow terms that if someone's behavior deviates ever so slightly, we question his capacity to function. Mr. Safford's seeming eccentricities - his love of trains, his generosity - they can all be readily explained.
Mr. Safford: Diabetes!
Judge: Mr. Safford?
Mr. Safford: I was talking to Sparky.
Frasier: Uh, did you say diabetes?
Mr. Safford: Yes. We'll donate the money to diabetes. Those poor people can't eat sugar.

Frasier: Uh, doesn't Mr. Safford deserve to be a bit of a free spirit after the years of his demanding career? A career in which he wore [Mr. Safford puts on a conductor's hat] many hats. The hat of a father, a philanthropist, a C.E.O-
Mr. Safford: All aboard! All aboard! Get your tickets ready. Have your tickets ready, please. Have your tickets ready. [Mr. Safford walks around the courtroom with a hole punch, checking people's "tickets"]
Frasier: In the end, it all comes down to this: can we really condemn a man for maintaining a childlike joie de vivre even in his twilight years?
Mr. Safford: All aboard for the Coast Express. Yes, making stops in Tacoma, Olympia, Portland and Salem. And the next stop is...
Frasier: I think I know where your next stop is going to be.

Frasier: Now, look, Niles. Before you start gloating, let me just say this. You were right, I was wrong.
Niles: Big deal. The world never got a chance to hear me be right. I suppose by now it's obvious that what you were saying all along was true. I do envy your fame. Well, perhaps this public humiliation will cure me of my damned competitiveness.
Frasier: Oh, don't worry about it. I humiliated myself far more than you did today.
Niles: Obviously, you didn't see the way I was whoring after that TV camera.
Frasier: You didn't see how I was tap dancing up there like an organ grinder's monkey.
Niles: Yes, well, I might as well have been tarred and feathered.
Frasier: I might as well have been pilloried in the town square.
Niles: I might as well have been stripped naked and forced to march-
Frasier: Oh, stop it, Niles! We're doing it again!

Frasier: Niles, you have no reason to feel badly. Everyone wants to be recognized for something they're good at. And you are a good psychiatrist.
Niles: Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: Something I can't really lay claim to after today. How could I have so misjudged that man?
Niles: Well, he's undeniably charming for one thing. And he can be lucid for long stretches of time.
Frasier: Yes, but you weren't fooled. Somehow, you picked up on some tiny clue that I missed. You remember what it was?
Niles: Yes. Midway through our interview he took off his trousers and tried to put them on the cat.
Frasier: Well, I'd like to think that I might have picked up on that one, too.

Frasier: I would like to hear that summation you never got a chance to give.
Niles: Really?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: You're not just saying that?
Frasier: Do you care?
Niles: No!
Frasier: Well, all right then. I'm the judge! I'm the judge!
Niles: Okay, you be the judge.
Frasier: [deep voice] All rise.
Niles: Yes, here we are.
Frasier: Have we been sworn in? Yes we have, your honor. [bangs gavel] Dr. Crane, proceed.
Niles: Your honor, I believe it was Herodotus who said: "Circumstances rule men. Men do not rule circumstances."

Niles: Frasier, you've always approached life with a positive attitude. It's a quality I admire of yours. Perhaps your judgment was clouded by your desire to see old age not as a time of inevitable decline, but as a time when one's childhood passions and fantasies can be reborn.

Martin: Oh, how does he always hear me?
Daphne: He doesn't. He just swings through every twenty minutes. He knows you'll be eating some kind of junk.
Martin: Well, I don't want him eating these.
Daphne: Well, then do what I do when I want Eddie away from me. I make a sound like [high-pitched wail]
[Eddie runs away and buries his head in a cushion]
Martin: That's mean!
Daphne: Why? It doesn't really hurt his ears. He just finds certain noises irritating.
[Frasier and Niles return from the opera, singing. Eddie runs out of the living room]

Niles: I'm sure you're all familiar with the Safford case that's been in the papers recently?
Martin: Oh, you mean that scum-sucking jerk who's trying to get his father committed?
Niles: Yes. Well, guess who's been retained by that scum-sucking jerk. I'm going to be testifying as an expert witness at Mr. Safford's capacity hearing.

Martin: Well, it's just not right. A bunch of money grubbers behind closed doors trying to declare this poor old guy insane.
Niles: For starters, it's not behind closed doors. The entire proceeding will be broadcast on Court TV.
Martin: Oh, great. What father doesn't look forward to the day he gathers his friends around the TV and says, "Hey, that's my boy. The one making the old man cry."