Debra: What is it, Robert?
Robert: Well, maybe it's just me, but I'm of the opinion that a man should be more concerned about his family's well-being than figuring out a way to get his wife to let him go on a week-long golf retreat to Myrtle Beach.
Debra: What golf retreat?
Robert: Come on, you haven't noticed he's been dropping hints like crazy? Maybe that's because you're too busy running around gassing up his car, drinking wine, and having to... do things because of the wine.
Debra: Robert, all l-
Robert: Wake up, sis! Dad and Raymond have a laundry list of stuff they're trying to get out of you two! They're exploiting the situation, they're playing you two against each other, they're laughing at you, and it's making me sick! But if it doesn't bother you...

Robert: You know, they say you should never go to bed mad. Well, I say, it'd be even worse to go the Big Bed mad. Hmm? [Marie looks away] All right, Ma, there's something you should know. And I'm only saying this 'cause I don't wanna see you on the roof.

Robert: Come on, you know this fight has gone on long enough. I bet you can't even remember why you were mad at each other in the first place.
Debra: Why? Because your mother is condescending, overbearing, patronizing-
Robert: Okay.
Debra: Manipulative.
Robert: Okay, the "why's" are not important. But what is important is to remember that life is short. You know how they always say you should never go to bed mad? Well, I say it'd be even worse to go to the "Big Bed" mad. Hmm?

Ray: Ma wasn't too happy that you're here, Dad.
Frank: Good, she's getting the message. I came over here because the omelet she made me this morning was half-assed.
Robert: You're here to punish Ma? I think that's terrible.
Frank: No, I'll tell you what's terrible. A salami omelet that's skimpy on the salami.

Marie: Hello?
Ray: What's going on, Ma?
Marie: I thought you boys could use a little snack. Stuffed mushrooms.
Frank: Let's have it!
Marie: I know it's usually slim pickings around here. That's why I wanted to bring these over as quickly as I could.
Frank: Mmm! These are good! Better than that omelet.
Marie: Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I was almost out of salami, and I knew the omelet wasn't right. I should've just thrown it out or given it to Robbie. Well, eat up, boys, there's plenty more where that came from across the street.

Frank: Oh, man! We gotta get these two hens together more often!
Ray: I know! I'll bet I can get a week of golf in Myrtle Beach!
Frank: I might be able to get Marie up on the roof to clean the gutters!
Robert: You two, playing your wives against each other, you're despicable!
Frank: Calm down, dainty duck.
Ray: Yeah, what? We tried to get 'em to stop fighting. If they wanna keep it up, why should we have to suffer?
Robert: There's a difference between not suffering and exploiting the situation! You should be supporting your wives, bringing them together! This is not the way for a family to behave!
Frank: You know, while Marie's up on the roof, I'll have her install a satellite dish.

Frank: Hey. You know what the guys at the lodge were just telling me? Apparently if you install it yourself, a satellite dish is actually quite affordable. Makes you think, doesn't it? Anyway, make me a sandwich, will ya?
Marie: You want a sandwich?
Frank: Uh, roast beef, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, cheese, easy onion.
Marie: Sounds nice. What kind of bread?
Frank: Let's go with the whole wheat today, shall we?
Marie: All right.
[Marie hits Frank with the bread]
Frank: Ow! Hey! Hey! Ow! Okay, white bread, then!
Marie: You didn't think I'd catch on to you, Mr. Sleazy Man? Oh, I caught on. Oh, did I catch on! Sure, getting the two of us to wait on you hand and foot, exploiting the situation. I wish this bread was stale, I would give you a concussion!

Frank: Uh, you're right, I have been making a mess here. We'll just go over to Debra's.
Marie: What are you talking about?
Frank: Yeah, yeah, I'll get outta your hair.
Marie: No, don't be silly. Sit.
Frank: No, no, no, it's easy enough to go across the street. Come on, Ray.
Marie: No, no, no. Why would you do that? You know what you need? Grilled cheese.
Frank: Double cheese? No crust?
Marie: Of course. Sit. Would you like a grilled cheese, Raymond?
Ray: You got bacon?
Marie: Of course. How about you, Rob?
Robert: No, thank you.
Marie: Okay, then, two grilled cheese, coming up. [exits]
Frank: [to Ray] I love you.

Robert: Raymond around?
Debra: No, he's out buying himself a new putter.
Robert: Isn't that nice for him? So, how are you?
Debra: I'm fine.
Robert: That's good. I'm glad one of us is fine.
Debra: You're not fine, Robert?
Robert: Well, you know me. I don't do well with the tension. It gets me right in the gut. And this thing with you and my mom... Muy tensionoso.
Debra: Is that Spanish for "very tense?"
Robert: I don't know. All I know is I'm popping antacids like they're cocktail peanuts.

Ray: Hey, moonshine! Well, here she is. A little more expensive than I thought, but it'll be worth it, you know, if I ever go on a, I dunno, golf retreat or something.
Debra: Yeah, that's nice. Let me ask you something, Ray. How long did you think you'd be able to use me and your Mom?
Ray: How's that?
Debra: You didn't think I was smart enough to see what you were doing?
Ray: I don't- What are you talking about?
Debra: Don't play dumb with me!
Ray: I'm not, this is how I am!
Debra: You know, you're not exactly subtle. Sitting there like some Roman emperor. "Bring me my pizza!" "Serve me my wine!" "Pretend you're a lonely nurse!"