Debra Quote #439
Ray: Hey, moonshine! Well, here she is. A little more expensive than I thought, but it'll be worth it, you know, if I ever go on a, I dunno, golf retreat or something.
Debra: Yeah, that's nice. Let me ask you something, Ray. How long did you think you'd be able to use me and your Mom?
Ray: How's that?
Debra: You didn't think I was smart enough to see what you were doing?
Ray: I don't- What are you talking about?
Debra: Don't play dumb with me!
Ray: I'm not, this is how I am!
Debra: You know, you're not exactly subtle. Sitting there like some Roman emperor. "Bring me my pizza!" "Serve me my wine!" "Pretend you're a lonely nurse!"
Quote from Robert
Debra: What is it, Robert?
Robert: Well, maybe it's just me, but I'm of the opinion that a man should be more concerned about his family's well-being than figuring out a way to get his wife to let him go on a week-long golf retreat to Myrtle Beach.
Debra: What golf retreat?
Robert: Come on, you haven't noticed he's been dropping hints like crazy? Maybe that's because you're too busy running around gassing up his car, drinking wine, and having to... do things because of the wine.
Debra: Robert, all l-
Robert: Wake up, sis! Dad and Raymond have a laundry list of stuff they're trying to get out of you two! They're exploiting the situation, they're playing you two against each other, they're laughing at you, and it's making me sick! But if it doesn't bother you...
Quote from The Angry Family
Debra: First of all, it's not a book. It's pieces of construction paper.
Ray: You sound a bit close-minded.
Debra: Hey. Eileen, you have no idea what I have to put up with. When I got married, I didn't just get a husband, I got a whole freak show that set up their tent right across the street. And that- That would be fine, if they stayed there. But every day... Every day, they dump a truckload of their insane family dreck into my lap. How would you like to sit through two people in their 60s fighting over who invented the lawn? The lawn! And then the brother, "I live in an apartment. I don't even have a lawn. Raymond has a lawn." But you can't blame him when you see who the mother is. She has this kind of sick hold on the both of them. And the father's about as disgusting a creature as God has ever dropped onto this planet. So no wonder the kid writes stories! I should be writing stories. My life is a Gothic novel! And until you have lived in that house, with all of them in there with you day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year, you are in no position to judge me!
Quote from Fighting In-Laws
Debra: You know what, Ray? It's a private matter. And my parents, unlike yours, don't feel the need to inflict their lives on everybody else.
Ray: Or, maybe they're a little embarrassed, because as it turns out, they're not so perfect.
Debra: Yeah, or maybe they're just trying to work out their problems before their marriage degenerates into a screaming match like your parents. Arguing about how deep a pan is before it's a pot. "If it's three inches, it's a pot! Everybody knows that, Marie!" "If you can't boil an egg in it, it's not a pot, you jackass!"
Ray: Hey, either way, your perfect little Connecticut "Oh, make sure you cut the crust off my cucumber sandwich"-parents are frauds!
Debra: You listen. If my parents lit an orphanage on fire on Christmas Eve, they wouldn't be as bad as your parents!