Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother didn't say Drew couldn't wear his graduation gown. She just said she didn't want to see him wearing it. So when she wasn't around, he watched TV in it he played sports in it He got ready for school in it he even practiced graduating from another school in it.

Rochelle: And I think you owe your sister an apology. [off Drew's look] Don't look at me like that.
Drew: I'm sorry for teasing you.
Rochelle: Good. So now that you're sorry, and you're sorry, I'm gonna be sorry, too. [takes her belt off] Oh, yeah, take it upstairs.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That day, my mother performed Bed-Stuy's first synchronized behind beating.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since my father hadn't fixed the sink, Mr. Omar decided to fix him.
Julius: Slumlord?!
Rochelle: What?
Julius: Mr. Omar contacted the Housing Authority and said that we're refusing to maintain the apartment.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You should call the Housing Authority about his blacklight panther poster.
Rochelle: Well, Julius, you got two choices. Either call a lawyer, or call a plumber.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Good thing they don't sell Johnnie Cochran in a Can.

Mrs. Milone: Oh, my God!
Greg: It's like that movie The Birds.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Except with cats.
Joey Caruso: That's my locker.
Mrs. Milone: Open it.
[When Caruso opens his locker, tins of cat food fall out]
Fireman: Looks like we've got ourselves a little practical joker.
Mrs. Milone: You think this is funny?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I do.
Fireman: There's cat food in the heating ducts. In the desks. All over.
Joey Caruso: I didn't do this.
Mrs. Milone: Oh, really? You think because this is the last day of school, you're gonna get away with this? You're sadly mistaken. Not only are you not going to get away with it, you'll be paying for this all summer.
Joey Caruso: What?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Revenge might be cold, but I felt warm all over.

Chris: So how'd it go in there?
Joey Caruso: I don't got time for you, Bean Pie.
Chris: Bean Pie? Oh, I got your Bean Pie. That's why you'll stay the rest of the summer in detention.
Joey Caruso: What do you know about that?
Chris: Oh, I know that this time you got detention. Next time you might get kicked out of school.
Joey Caruso: You set me up?
Chris: Could have been me, or it could have been anybody. All I know is that if I was you, I wouldn't mess with me again. See you in September, Spanky.
Mrs. Milone: Oh, Chris. I was just coming to see you.
Chris: You were? Why?
Mrs. Milone: I've got some bad news. You failed Science. You have to go to summer school.
Chris: Summer school?!
Mrs. Milone: Perhaps next year you'll study harder.
Joey Caruso: See you Monday... Booger.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Can't we all just get along?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After another whole year at Corleone, it was good to finally get to the last week of school. Summer vacation was ahead of me, and the days of being bullied by Caruso on a daily basis were behind me.

Greg: What's wrong with you?
Chris: Remember at the beginning of the year when I said I wanted things to be different?
Greg: Yeah, what about it?
Chris: Well, everything I didn't want to have happen happened.
Greg: It hasn't been all bad. You were elected student president.
Chris: I was impeached.
Greg: Keep it up. You're gonna make this week a lot longer than it has to be.
Chris: I want to do one thing before the end of the year that I feel good about.

Chris: You know, I think I know how to make this all worthwhile.
Greg: What are you talking about?
Chris: I'm gonna get my revenge on Caruso.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stay tuned for Revenge of the Nerd.

Rochelle: Well, we can ask your daddy. I'm sure we can eat wherever you want.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] As long as they have a "Kids eat free after 4:00 p.m." special.
Tonya: I don't know what's so special about graduating.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nothing, if you're happy saying, "May I take your order, please?"

Drew: What's so special is: I don't have to go to little kid school with you anymore. I'm grown.
Tonya: You're not grown; you're stupid.
Drew: You're stupid.
Tonya: You're stupid.
Rochelle: Hey, hey, hey. Didn't I say "Stop"?