Drew: Hey, Ma, can I show the guys my cap and gown?
Rochelle: Uh-uh-uh-uh. You ain't gonna mess that gown up, and then go walking across the stage looking like "Who did that to you?" Take it off. And give me the hat, too. I'm gonna hang this in your closet, and I better not see you in it until graduation day. You understand me?
Drew: Yes, ma'am.
Rochelle: Excuse me? I di- What?
Drew: Yes, ma'am.
Rochelle: All right.

Greg: What's he doing?
Chris: Looks like he's waiting for somebody.
Greg: What time is it?
Chris: He's waiting for me.
Joey Caruso: [to a passing boy] Hey, you seen Chris?
Boy: Nuh-uh. [Caruso knocks the books out of his hands and pushes him down]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He's warming up.
Chris: He's leaving.
Greg: [to the boy] You okay?
Boy: Hey, are you Chris? Next time, be on time. [slaps Chris's head]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If nothing else, at least I learned to use a different door to leave school.

Tonya: Why don't you take that stupid cap and gown off? You know Momma said not to wear it.
Drew: [scoffs] You're just jealous because I look so cool.
Tonya: You don't look cool; you look stupid.
Drew: You're the one that's gonna look stupid in your little baby school.
Tonya: I'm not a baby; you're a baby.
Drew: That's why this baby is graduating.
[Tonya flings ice cream at Drew, but he ducks out of the way so the ice cream hits the refrigerator]
Drew: [laughs] Clean it up.
[Tonya takes her bowl of ice cream and dumps it on Drew's gown]
Tonya: Ha! Now you clean it up.
Rochelle: Drew?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everybody quiet. I want to hear Drew's last words.
Rochelle: [to Drew] Go take that gown off. [to Tonya] Clean this mess up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If that was me, I'd be cleaning my teeth up.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back on the street, something else was going down.
Greg: This is boring, man. If this were Magnum, it'd be a good time for a car chase.
[fantasy: car chase footage]
Chris: You satisfied?
[When Caruso looks back, Greg runs away]
Chris: Greg, stop!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg just set a record in the 100-meter run-like-a-girl.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'd been following Caruso all day and I had come to a conclusion. Bullies are strange people.
[Chris takes out a stethoscope and places it on the pet store's window]
Joey Caruso: [inside the store] Thanks for taking care of her for me.
Chris: He's a cat lover?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.
Joey Caruso: Who's a good kitty? I love you. Yes, I do. You curious, kitty? I love you. You want to go home?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I figured that with Caruso, this pet would be all white.
Joey Caruso: Let's go home and meet your new mommy. Yes.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was on Caruso's tail, my mother was about to get on Drew's behind.
Rochelle: Why did I tell you not to wear this gown?
Drew: 'Cause I'd mess it up.
Rochelle: And what happened?
Drew: I messed it up.
Tonya: I tried to tell him...
Rochelle: Girl, when I'm ready to talk to you, I will let you know. What am I supposed to do with this, Drew?
Drew: Can you fix it?
Rochelle: "Can you fix it?" I shouldn't have to fix it. That's why I told you not to wear it in the first place.

Greg: So, you figured out what we're gonna do yet?
Chris: Yep.
Greg: Cool. So when do we start?
Chris: It's not we this time, Greg. I have to do this by myself. If something goes wrong, I can't have you getting in trouble.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is just like Doughboy and Tre in Boys 'n the Hood.
Greg: You don't have to do that. We're in this together.
Chris: Not this time.
Greg: If you say so. So, what are you gonna do?
Chris: If I tell you, I have to kill you.
Greg: You're joking, right?
Chris: No.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not even a little.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] All it took for my mother to clean Drew's gown was a pair of scissors and a well-placed scarf.
Dolemite Principal: Let's hear it for our most popular student with a 2.0 grade point average... Drew.
Tonya: [cheers] That's my brother!
Chris: Where'd he get that?
Julius: With that plumbing bill, I hope I didn't pay for it.
Rochelle: I made it from what was left of his gown.
Tonya: Hey, Drew.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My family didn't get this excited about anything I did until my first HBO special.