Julius: I'm really proud of you for getting 100 on that test, so here you go.
Drew: Yeah! Wow.
Julius: Huh? What do you think?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew thought about saying this...
[fantasy:]
Drew: Gritsky? It's not Gritsky. It's Gretzky with an "E"! I scored 100 on my spelling test. I can't wear this! You got that big old head, and you can't even spell Gretzky. [scoffs] Maybe you should take my spelling classes. I ain't wearing this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But if he did, here's what would've happened...
[fantasy: Drew is carried out of the house on a stretcher:]
Detective: What's the story?
Police Officer: Apparently, the kid loves hockey. Father brings home a jersey that says Gritsky with an "I" instead of Gretzky with an "E." Son mouths off, dad loses it, shoves the jersey down the kid's throat.
Detective: Is that the jersey?
Police Officer: It's all we could find.
Detective: Good thing he didn't ask for skates.

Drew: Hey, Dad, check it out. I got a hundred on my spelling test.
Julius: All right. My man!
Drew: I was thinking... Could I get a hockey jersey, since I got a hundred on my test?
Julius: You're supposed to get a hundred, you don't get a prize for doing well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father never rewarded good behavior.
[fantasy:]
Chris: Dad, I cleaned out the tub.
Julius: You're supposed to clean the tub, it's your dirt ring.
[fantasy:]
Tonya: Hey, Dad. I fixed the heater.
Julius: You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.
[fantasy:]
Drew: Hey, Dad, I slaughtered a pig.
Julius: You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one that likes bacon.

Julius: [answers phone] Hello?
Operator: I have a collect call from... [Julius quickly hangs up the phone]
Julius: Whew. Whew.

Principal Edwards: You were fighting. Why?
Chris: 'Cause he hates Black people, and I'm a Black person.
Joey Caruso: That's a lie. I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.
Principal Edwards: "Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.
Joey Caruso: See?
Chris: Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius.

Drew: I don't know, Mom. Earrings may draw away attention from her big, old head.
Tonya: You got a big head.
Drew: You're head-mo-knotty, got more head than you got body.
Tonya: Your head so big, your hat got two floors.
Drew: Your head so big, you got to put on your shirts feet first.
Tonya: Your head so big, it has a moon.

Chris: You got a girl?
Greg: Not just a girl, but a girl who's interested in the evolution of species. I am so in there.

Greg: Hey, man, where have you been?
Chris: We missed the bus. Was anyone looking for us?
Greg: No.
Chris: So, how are things going with you and Jennifer?
Greg: It was going great until we got into a debate about whether humans or climatic change caused the demise of the Pleistocene megafauna.
Jennifer: Idiot!
Greg: It didn't end well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Same as Bobby and Whitney.

Rochelle: All right. Enough now. Tonya, why don't you wear your flower earrings? You're too young for hoops, that's women's jewelry. And I'm not going to have people looking at my daughter like that.
Tonya: Like what?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like this.
[fantasy: a young woman pole dances at a strip club:]
Man: You see the earrings on that girl?
[reality:]
Tonya: Everybody else has them.
Rochelle: Well, if everybody else got a butt whooping, would you want one, too?

Rochelle: Did you take my earrings?
Tonya: What earrings?
Rochelle: Okay, here's how this works, Tonya. You can keep lying, or you can tell me you took my earrings. You decide.
Tonya: You promise you won't yell?
Rochelle: I won't yell.
Tonya: I took you earrings and I lost one.
Rochelle: [yells] Didn't I tell you not to touch my earrings?!
Tonya: You promised you wouldn't yell.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I've been falling for that one for years.
Rochelle: Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya?! Huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us, she'd always count down from five.
Rochelle: Five... four... three... two... one. I'm going to let your father handle this.

Tonya: Mom, can I borrow your clip-on hoop earrings?
Rochelle: No.
Tonya: But all my friends are wearing pink shirts and hoop earrings.
Rochelle: I'm not your friends' mother.