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‘Everybody Hates the Buddy System’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Buddy System

206. Everybody Hates the Buddy System

Aired November 6, 2006

The school's new leader, Principal Edwards (Jason Alexander), pairs Chris with Caruso for a school trip. Meanwhile, Tonya takes a pair of Rochelle's earrings, and Drew asks for a Gretzky jersey.

Quote from Drew

Julius: I'm really proud of you for getting 100 on that test, so here you go.
Drew: Yeah! Wow.
Julius: Huh? What do you think?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew thought about saying this...
[fantasy:]
Drew: Gritsky? It's not Gritsky. It's Gretzky with an "E"! I scored 100 on my spelling test. I can't wear this! You got that big old head, and you can't even spell Gretzky. [scoffs] Maybe you should take my spelling classes. I ain't wearing this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But if he did, here's what would've happened...
[fantasy: Drew is carried out of the house on a stretcher:]
Detective: What's the story?
Police Officer: Apparently, the kid loves hockey. Father brings home a jersey that says Gritsky with an "I" instead of Gretzky with an "E." Son mouths off, dad loses it, shoves the jersey down the kid's throat.
Detective: Is that the jersey?
Police Officer: It's all we could find.
Detective: Good thing he didn't ask for skates.

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Quote from Julius

Drew: Hey, Dad, check it out. I got a hundred on my spelling test.
Julius: All right. My man!
Drew: I was thinking... Could I get a hockey jersey, since I got a hundred on my test?
Julius: You're supposed to get a hundred, you don't get a prize for doing well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father never rewarded good behavior.
[fantasy:]
Chris: Dad, I cleaned out the tub.
Julius: You're supposed to clean the tub, it's your dirt ring.
[fantasy:]
Tonya: Hey, Dad. I fixed the heater.
Julius: You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.
[fantasy:]
Drew: Hey, Dad, I slaughtered a pig.
Julius: You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one that likes bacon.

Quote from Julius

Julius: [answers phone] Hello?
Operator: I have a collect call from... [Julius quickly hangs up the phone]
Julius: Whew. Whew.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Principal Edwards: You were fighting. Why?
Chris: 'Cause he hates Black people, and I'm a Black person.
Joey Caruso: That's a lie. I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.
Principal Edwards: "Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.
Joey Caruso: See?
Chris: Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius.

Quote from Tonya

Drew: I don't know, Mom. Earrings may draw away attention from her big, old head.
Tonya: You got a big head.
Drew: You're head-mo-knotty, got more head than you got body.
Tonya: Your head so big, your hat got two floors.
Drew: Your head so big, you got to put on your shirts feet first.
Tonya: Your head so big, it has a moon.

Quote from Greg

Chris: You got a girl?
Greg: Not just a girl, but a girl who's interested in the evolution of species. I am so in there.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey, man, where have you been?
Chris: We missed the bus. Was anyone looking for us?
Greg: No.
Chris: So, how are things going with you and Jennifer?
Greg: It was going great until we got into a debate about whether humans or climatic change caused the demise of the Pleistocene megafauna.
Jennifer: Idiot!
Greg: It didn't end well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Same as Bobby and Whitney.

Quote from Rochelle

Tonya: Mom, can I borrow your clip-on hoop earrings?
Rochelle: No.
Tonya: But all my friends are wearing pink shirts and hoop earrings.
Rochelle: I'm not your friends' mother.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: All right. Enough now. Tonya, why don't you wear your flower earrings? You're too young for hoops, that's women's jewelry. And I'm not going to have people looking at my daughter like that.
Tonya: Like what?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like this.
[fantasy: a young woman pole dances at a strip club:]
Man: You see the earrings on that girl?
[reality:]
Tonya: Everybody else has them.
Rochelle: Well, if everybody else got a butt whooping, would you want one, too?

Quote from Risky

Julius: What I really need is a hockey jersey for Drew. Wayne Gretzky.
Risky: Hockey? What kind of kids you raising?
Julius: Do you have one or not?
Risky: All right, all right. Hockey, uh... I'm sorry, I- I don't have anything, but if I find something, I'll let you know. All right, brother. All right. Okay. Take care. [to himself] Hockey? Them kids in trouble.

Quote from Greg

Principal Edwards: All right, class, listen up. I reiterate: we are on the buddy system today. So, you are responsible for your buddy. No matter what happens, stay together. We have about two hours, so you have plenty of time to see all the exhibits.
Greg: Is he kidding? You can come here every weekend for years and still barely scratch the surface.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After 20 years, Greg still hasn't made it out of the bone exhibit.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Come on, man, we've got to go.
Joey Caruso: All you've been doing since we got here is complaining.
Chris: Well, I haven't really seen anything. All I've seen is you eating in the cafeteria for over an hour.
Joey Caruso: All right, you know what? I'm sorry. I'll just be another minute.
Chris: Really?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe Principal Edwards was right. Caruso might make a change.
Joey Caruso: Yeah, just do me a favor, hold this. Now, go wait by the door.
Chris: Okay.
[As Chris carries the trinket over to the door, a team of shop workers casually surround him]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The buddy system was failing miserably, but the Black decoy system was working great.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: How come you didn't tell me the bus was leaving?
Chris: When I said "Let's hurry up before the bus leaves us," what bus did you think I was talking about?
Joey Caruso: Sorry, I couldn't understand all your crazy jive talk.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Okay, we can catch the next train, and we'll be back in no time.
Joey Caruso: I spent all my money on food.
Chris: Okay, fine, I think I have enough money to get two tokens. So let's go.
Joey Caruso: Who put you in charge?
Chris: I'm just trying to get us back to school.
Joey Caruso: Just let me make the decisions.
Chris: Why should I do that?
Joey Caruso: How many times do I have to punch you before you get a clue? Don't you watch the movies? Gene Wilder made all the decisions in Silver Streak. Richard Pryor just followed orders.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Did you take my earrings?
Tonya: What earrings?
Rochelle: Okay, here's how this works, Tonya. You can keep lying, or you can tell me you took my earrings. You decide.
Tonya: You promise you won't yell?
Rochelle: I won't yell.
Tonya: I took you earrings and I lost one.
Rochelle: [yells] Didn't I tell you not to touch my earrings?!
Tonya: You promised you wouldn't yell.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I've been falling for that one for years.
Rochelle: Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya?! Huh?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us, she'd always count down from five.
Rochelle: Five... four... three... two... one. I'm going to let your father handle this.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The next year, Drew got a Yankees jersey that said Mezzie Mackson.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Chris: Look, I don't know what you have against me. Hey, I don't even know you. So, I was wondering maybe... You know, maybe we can be cool. You don't even have to like me.
Joey Caruso: Yeah, I know what you mean. Tell you what.
Chris: What?
Joey Caruso: If you can run faster than I can throw, I won't hit you with this battery.
Chris: [screams]

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Mr. Edwards, he has been picking on me since the first day I came to this school.
Principal Edwards: Is that true?
Joey Caruso: Yeah.
Principal Edwards: All right, Caruso, you can go.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What?
Chris: What?!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before coming to Corleone, Principal Edwards was on a self-imposed, three-year vow of silence.
[flashback:]
Principal Edwards: Keep your filthy hands off of my school lunch program!
Teacher: You get the hell out! Which he allegedly began two minutes after cursing like a madman and knocking out the teeth of his former boss.

Quote from Chris

Principal Edwards: Have you ever considered the possibility this is your fault?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what they said to Rodney King.
Chris: My fault?
Principal Edwards: He's threatened by you, Chris. Your very presence makes him doubt his ability to succeed.
Chris: He always succeeds in punching in the face.
Principal Edwards: [chuckles] He's using you as a manifestation of his angst. Subsequently, he's trying to quell his anxiety by conquering you, thereby conquering his fear.
Chris: By punching me in the face?
Principal Edwards: Exactly.
Chris: So you want me to just let him do it?
Principal Edwards: Have you thought about trying to see things from his point of view?
Chris: So you want me to punch him in the face?
Principal Edwards: No.

Quote from Chris

Principal Edwards: Have you ever seen the film The Defiant Ones?
Chris: The Defiant Ones? No. What's that?
Principal Edwards: Two men are shackled together while trying to escape from prison - one White, one Black, one educated, one... They learn they have to depend on each other or perish. That's what I'm going to do for you.
Chris: You're going to chain us together and put us in jail?
Principal Edwards: Yeah! Figuratively. I'm taking some students on a field trip tomorrow. You and Caruso are going to come along. Have your mother sign this. To help you and Caruso learn to depend on each other, I'm going to employ the buddy system.
Chris: The buddy system?
Principal Edwards: You and Caruso are going to be buddies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Just like the Crips and the Bloods.

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