Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried Mr. Omar.
Mr. Omar: I'm sorry, Chris, I can't take you. For an undertaker, New Year's Eve is like the day before the after Christmas sale. People act like drunken fools tonight, and dead tomorrow. Tragic, tragic!

Julius: Jermaine Jackson got kicked out of the Jacksons. He didn't jump off a bridge.
Reporter: Julius, you're a real hero. You saved a life, but more importantly, you got traffic moving again. Back to you at the studio.
Julius: The Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908. They didn't jump off a bridge. James Earl Jones lost the Oscar for his performance in The Great White Hope. He didn't jump off a bridge.
Reporter: No.
Julius: Trevor Berbick got knocked out by Mike Tyson in less than five minutes. He did not jump off a bridge.
[watching TV :]
Rochelle: Oh, my God, your father's a star.
Chris: Wow!
[back:]
Julius: Did he jump off a bridge? No.
Reporter: Well, Julius, you're just full of--
Julius: Remember that movie, Top Gun?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back on the bridge, a man was suicidal and my father wanted to kill him.
Julius: What are you doing up here, man? Do you know you got traffic backed up all the way to exit the Lincoln Tunnel? It's New Year's Eve! People are trying to get home.
Morris: I can't do anything right.
Julius: So you think you can fix that by jumping off a bridge?
Morris: Give me one good reason I shouldn't.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He shouldn't have said that.
Julius: What if everybody who ever had a problem jumped off a bridge? Geraldine Ferraro could've been our country's first female Vice President, but her party lost. She didn't jump off a bridge. Nelson Mandela's been in jail for over 20 years. He didn't jump off a bridge. Ivan Lendl got stomped by Boris Becker at Wimbledon. Didn't jump off a bridge. Trevor Berbick, he got knocked out by Mike Tyson in less than five minutes. He didn't jump off a bridge! Jermaine Jackson got kicked out of the Jacksons.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not my father.
Julius: I'm going to stop worrying about money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stop lying!
Julius: Chris, close that door! You just let out 86 cent worth of refrigeration.

Chris: [answers phone] Hello?
Greg: Dude, it's Greg.
Chris: What'd she say?
Greg: I got some bad news. They're going to celebrate New Year's Eve, but it's not in Times Square, it's in Tiananmen Square. And it's not tonight, it's the Chinese New Year. So it's not till February. But she said you can still come if you want.
Chris: To China? No, I don't think I'll be able to make it.
Greg: Sorry, dude.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too bad I didn't make a New Year's resolution to be depressed.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.
Rochelle: This year, I'm going to stop yelling at my children.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, you're not!
Rochelle: Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not my sister.
Tonya: This year I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, you will.
Rochelle: [o.s.] Who's been in my make-up bag?!
Tonya: Chris did it!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, if I wanted to keep my resolution, it was going to take some resolve.
Chris: Mom.
Rochelle: No, Chris.
Chris: But I made one resolution and that was to go to Times Square.
Rochelle: That's not my fault.
Chris: But it's my resolution. Is that what you want for me, to end up in prison?
Rochelle: What?
Chris: I'm just saying, I made a resolution and if I accept no for an answer, that means I accept defeat. Then I'll fall into a crowd of people who have no hopes or dreams, and eventually, I end up in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing and that ends in prison.
Rochelle: Well, can you find somebody else to take you?
Chris: I can try.
Rochelle: Get out of here, boy.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since Greg didn't come through in the clutch, I decided to see who could come through on the block. I tried Risky.
Chris: My mom said if I can find a responsible adult to take me I can go down to Times Square.
Risky: Aw, sorry, man, I can't. I've got to deliver some time-sensitive products.
Chris: What type of products?
Risky: [chuckles] 1986 calendars.

Julius: [on TV] The Chicago Cubs haven't won the World Series since 1908. They didn't jump off a bridge.