Monica: Merry Christmas.
Tonya: Oh, thanks, but you didn't have to do this.
Monica: Uh-huh. It's Christmas.
Tonya: Oh. Well, I have your gift. But I just... I have to wrap it.
Monica: That's cool. Hey, do you want to go Christmas caroling with me and my cousins?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Christmas caroling? Black people? Really?
Tonya: No, my family's already doing stuff, but we're doing it at home. Yeah. Bye.

Rochelle: Come on, baby, you're gonna miss it. Here. Here's your corn.
Tonya: What am I supposed to do with this?
Rochelle: You husk it, and then we make hats out of it. You know, to keep the blue-eyed demons out of our heads.
Tonya: [scoffs] Whatever. Look, can I have some money to buy a Christmas present for my friend Monica?
Julius: Well, I'm afraid that's not in accordance with the principles of Kwanzaa.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or my father's cheapness.
Tonya: Well, she got me a gift, so shouldn't I give one back?
Julius: Absolutely. Here. Give her this corn.

Chris: You still got some money left in here.
Kill Moves: You want it?
Chris: No, thanks. Your mom's gonna love those chocolates and the watch.
Kill Moves: I don't know. Are you sure this is a good watch? Timex has a slogan. I never heard of a slogan for Rolex.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] How about "It takes a lickin', and then you buy a new one because you're rich"?
Chris: Trust me, it's good.

Kill Moves: Anyway, thanks for your help.
Chris: No problem. Merry Christmas.
Kill Moves: Happy Kwanzaa.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And merry methadone.
Kill Moves: Say, listen, could you go with me tomorrow when I drop the gifts off to her house?
Chris: Sure. Where does she live?
Kill Moves: I don't know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I guess giving back to the community wasn't going to be so quick and easy.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later Christmas day, my family got a visit from the Ghost of Shoplifting Present.
Rochelle: Oh, yes?
Woman: Hi. I'm Monica's mother. Tonya's friend.
Rochelle: Oh, hi. How can I help you?
Woman: I came to return this gift Tonya gave her. It's too expensive. It has to cost like $30 or $40.
Rochelle: Oh, well, I completely understand. Wait a minute. Would you like some beets?
Woman: Why, thank you. Merry Christmas.
Rochelle: Thank you. And a Happy Kwanzaa to you as well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That look means, "I don't know what the hell is going on, but I'm about to find out."

Rochelle: Where'd you get this?
Tonya: Doc's store.
Rochelle: Where'd you get the money? [Tonya is silent] You did have the money, didn't you?
Tonya: [sighs] Monica got me a Christmas present and I didn't have one to give back, so... I took it.
Rochelle: You took it. You mean you stole it.
Tonya: I'm sorry.
Rochelle: Oh, you're gonna be sorry. But first, you're gonna take this back to Doc's and you're gonna tell him what you did.
Tonya: Am I in trouble?
Rochelle: Girl, you better be lucky it's the holidays. Happy Kwanzaa.

Kill Moves: Nice to see you again, Mom, but I gotta get home before somebody moves into my box.
Kathleen Devereaux: I want you to keep in touch this time.
Kill Moves: I will. I'll call you from the phone in my head.
Kathleen Devereaux: Great. Chris, this is my number. Will you call me from the phone in your house and let me know how he's doing?
Chris: Yes.
Kathleen Devereaux: I appreciate that.

Kathleen Devereaux: You still have the suitcase I gave you?
Kill Moves: Yes, ma'am.
Kathleen Devereaux: Well, is there anything left in it?
Kill Moves: No, ma'am, it's empty.
Kathleen Devereaux: Well. Here's another.
Kill Moves: Thank you.
Kathleen Devereaux: And thank you, Chris. It's nice to know that Edgar has a friend.
Chris: Yeah. He's a good friend, too.
Kill Moves: Bye, Mom. Merry Christmas.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My assignment was to give something back to the community, and I didn't think I had anything to give, but that's only because you can't buy a friend at a store.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Finding out that Kill Moves's mother was a rich socialite should've been the biggest surprise I had that day, but it wasn't.
Chris: What's in there anyway?
Kill Moves: Same as last time. You want some? I can't eat it all.
Chris: No, thanks. [closes the suitcase]
Kill Moves: Well, at least take this, uh... holiday card.
Chris: Thanks. Merry Christmas.
Kill Moves: Merry Christmas, Chris.

Julius: I'm sorry, baby. Kwanzaa seemed like a good idea.
Rochelle: That's okay. We'll celebrate Kwanzaa this time, but next year we're having Christmas.
Julius: I have a confession to make.
Rochelle: What?
Julius: Well, the reason we're not celebrating Christmas this year is... I didn't get my bonus.
Rochelle: I knew it! I knew it. You always choose cheap over the truth. Why didn't you tell me you didn't have any money?
Julius: Well, I didn't want to disappoint you, baby.
Rochelle: Julius, we have been 15 years, three kids...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And a partridge in a pear tree.
Rochelle: I know you better than you know yourself. Okay, fine. We just gotta figure out a way to fix this.