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‘Everybody Hates the Port Authority’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Port Authority

311. Everybody Hates the Port Authority

Aired March 2, 2008

The family plans a trip down South with Julius's brother Louis (Wayne Brady) following the death of their uncle.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Listen, when I was little, my father taught me all these scams. Three-card monte was his favorite.
[flashback:]
Gene: Honey, when it comes to three-card monte, you cannot win the game.
Young Rochelle: Why not?
Gene: Because I always know where the card is. But even if they pick the right card, I just keep raising the bet till they get scared. [laughs] Oh, too bad!
Young Rochelle: But what if I pick the wrong card?
Gene: Then I let you bet everything you got. Oh, tough break. [laughs]
Young Rochelle: What if I don't want to play?
Gene: Nobody ever wants to play. That's how come I got Rudy and Debra over there. They're shills.
[present:]
Chris: Shills?
Rochelle: Well, they act like they don't know each other. So in order to get the game started, they best first.
Chris: So him and her? Yeah. They're the shills.
[flashback:]
Young Rochelle: What if somebody bets on the right card and doesn't get scared when you keep raising the bet?
Gene: Now, honey, this is a very important lesson right here. We run! [laughs]

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Quote from Rochelle

Hustler: Little man back. You got some more money?
Chris: No.
Rochelle: But I do.
Hustler: Who are you?
Rochelle: I'm his mother, and I got $50 on that card.
Hustler: I got a hundred that says that you're wrong.
Rochelle: I got $200 that says I'm right.
Chris: Turn the card over, Mother.
Hustler: No, wait.
Rochelle: Oh-oh-oh, wait! Now we wanna wait. I bet you want to run, too. See, that's my husband over there and that's his brother back there, so you can run, but you're not gonna get far. You got to ask yourself one question: Is today your lucky day? Doubt it, punk. Now give me my damn money back! Hurry! And the cards, too! Give me the cards!

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] As much as I loved growing up in Bed-Stuy, the place I loved even more was down South. After segregation and before the 2 Live Crew, down South was good, and the weather was always beautiful.
Chris: Hey, Mom, when are we going down South again?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When the Klan breaks up.
Rochelle: I don't know, baby. That'll be nice.
Tonya: Hey, Ma. Who's that?
Rochelle: Oh, that's your Cousin Beanie! You know what, she's 12, just like you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Except Cousin Beanie's not evil.
Rochelle: You know what, maybe we should plan a trip down South.
Drew: I don't like down South; people act too country.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] They're not acting.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I tried to bring Greg up to speed on the new direction of the South.
Greg: Down South? You mean, like, across the Mason-Dixon Line?
Chris: Yeah, you know, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina.
Greg: Mississippi? Are you trying to get yourself killed? You going to Mississippi is like me going to, hmm, I don't know, Mississippi.
Chris: Man, it's not like that anymore.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, it is.
Chris: Anyway, I want to go. Down South, the food is better. The cops don't beat the crap out of you, and nobody's on crack.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's because everybody's on the porch.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After my mother convinced my Uncle Louis to fly, we headed to Port Authority, the only place in New York scarier than our neighborhood.
Rochelle: Okay, I want y'all to be real careful in here. This place is full of pickpockets, pimps and... and- and murderers and child molesters and thieves.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's the Port Authority slogan.
Julius: Rochelle, don't scare 'em.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too late.
Rochelle: Julius, this place is full of hustlers trying to prey on innocent people.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She said the same thing when we visited Washington, DC.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] As hard as my father worked for his money, I couldn't tell him I got taken, so I decided to get the money back on my own... by any means necessary.
[montage:]
Chris: Watch your bags as you go to the bathroom. Oh, thank you, thank you. Watch your bags... Hey. Come on now. You know it's not yours.
Chris: Take a picture with a Black kid. What?
Chris: Warm your gloves. Glove-warming.
[Chris provides the beat while a young man dances for a supportive audience. When they switch positions, the crowd turns as Chris dances]
Man #1: Oh, no, terrible.
Man #2: Oh, this is horrible.
Man #3: What's he doing? No rhythm.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What are you doing here anyway?
Drew: Hey, does that mean we don't have to go to the funeral?
Rochelle: No. We're going. Drew, do you still know those kill moves?
Drew: Yeah. If anybody tries to touch your sister or take our bags, kill 'em. You, you and you, come with me.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Louis, this food is incredible.
Uncle Louis: Well, I figured that since we couldn't go down South, I'd make us a good Southern meal.
Rochelle: Nice.
Tonya: Yeah, if Chris wasn't so stupid, we could have gone.
Drew: Thanks, Chris.
Julius: Well, what are we gonna do with all that money we won?
Rochelle: We? [chuckles] Did you hear your daddy? "We"? We are gonna send Uncle Morris some flowers and the rest of that money is going back into my emergency fund. "We."

Quote from Rochelle

Chris: Southern pecan pie. You know it's my favorite, right?
Uncle Louis: Want a piece?
Chris: Yeah.
Rochelle: You can have a piece. All you got to do is pick out the jack.

Quote from Adult Chris

Rochelle: Well, when's the funeral?
Uncle Louis: Next week. Down South.
Julius: Oh. I don't think we can go.
Rochelle: Baby, what do you mean, we can't go?
Julius: We can't afford to go.
Uncle Louis: You can't put a price tag on family, Julius.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yeah, but he'll give you five dollars to shut up.
Rochelle: Louis is right. Family is family, baby.
Uncle Louis: Family is family.
Chris: So we're going down South?
Rochelle: Yep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Thanks, Uncle Morris.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Before you could buy plane tickets on the Internet, the cheapest way to travel was to take Greyhound.
Rochelle: How's it going?
Julius: Well, they've only got two busses that go to Greenville, South Carolina. The cheaper one goes to Camden, Portsmouth, Baltimore, Richmond, Baltimore again, Raleigh, Toledo, Gastonia... Darryl Richardson's house...
Rochelle: What?
Julius: Boston, the Crossroads, Atlanta, then Greenville.
Rochelle: Well, does the other bus make less stops? Oh!
Julius: Yeah, but it costs almost $200 more.

Quote from Julius

Uncle Louis: Well, why don't we just drive? I love a road trip.
Julius: What, are... you going with us?
Uncle Louis: [laughs] Well, how else am I supposed to get there, silly? You want to... [imitates air rushing] Superman! [laughs] Blink! Yes, master.
Julius: Well, I- I just assumed you'd be flying... I mean, you don't want to be on no bus with us.
Uncle Louis: Are you kidding? I love the bus! [laughs] Man, I get to spend time with my big brother and his family, see the sights, meet new people, and best of all, sing-alongs. Sing it with me. [sings] Now I lay me down to sleep, bow! [Louis imitating electric bass] Whoo! I just can't...
Louis & Rochelle: Find the beat Flashlight, light [Louis imitating electric bass] Now, Neon light... Take the bass part. Neon light...

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: What is wrong with you? Do you hear that?
Uncle Louis: [o.s.] [sings] Everybody's got a little light [falsetto] Under the sun, under the sun...
Julius: That's what's wrong with me. Look, I'm not gonna spend 26 hours on a bus with my brother. I love him, but he drives me nuts.
Rochelle: Baby, why? I mean, he's always laughing and smiling and in a good mood.
Julius: Exactly. And while he's having fun, you know what I'm doing? Working. Look, look. I'm not trying to be unreasonable, but I just cannot take it.
Rochelle: Okay...
Julius: Baby, look, I can't take it.
Rochelle: All right, I got you. Just calm down. I'll handle it.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: So that's why I decided to divide our money between me, you and Chris.
Chris: You did?
Rochelle: Yeah. So just in case somebody pickpockets one of us, they won't get us all.
Julius: Well, where'd you put it?
Rochelle: [whispers] It's in your shirt pocket. Don't look for it now!
Julius: Hey, there's the gate right there.
Rochelle: Don't touch anything. And don't make eye contact with strangers.

Quote from Adult Chris

Julius: This pocket doesn't open.
Rochelle: Oh, well, I sewed the top closed, and I left it open on the side.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Star Jones had that done to her stomach.

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