Ryan: Wait. You really want a fake ID to go the Fat Boys concert?
Chris: Yeah.
Ryan: You're not gonna try to get liquor or cigarettes or go see X-rated movies?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not until you mentioned it.
Chris: No.
Ryan: You'll have 'em tomorrow.

Ryan: Hey. What are you doing here, man?
Drew: I'm looking for Vision Ray Specs, Inc. I bought a pair of X-ray glasses, but the things don't even work.
I'm getting my money back.
Ryan: Ah, sorry about that.
Drew: You're Vision Ray Specs, Inc?
Ryan: Yep. Look, I can get you something else. Uh, whoopee cushion, joy buzzers, sea monkeys, black gum.
Drew: Nah, that's okay. I just want my money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew couldn't see through his hand, but he could see through Ryan's BS.
Ryan: Here. I'll give you half.
Drew: What's this?
Ryan: That's 50 cents. Glasses cost a dollar.
Drew: I spent five dollars on shipping and handling. That's six. You owe me three.
Ryan: Whoa, whoa, give me my 50 cents back.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what 50's girlfriend said to Vivica Fox.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back then, you actually had to leave your house to buy concert tickets.
Chris: You're getting Fat Boys tickets, too?
James: Nah, I'm just holding this dude's place in line. $1.50 an hour. I'll hold your spot, too, if you want.
Chris: Nah, that's okay. I'll wait in line.
James: Uh, back of the line is that way.

Chris: Sold out? I've been waiting in line for three hours.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Could've been worse; could've been four.
Attendant: Look, all I have left is Hall and Oates tickets.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Do I look White?

Chris: Wait, this is for the 10:30 show.
Greg: So?
Chris: 18 and over only. How we supposed to get in?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Easy, just wait three more years.

Chris: Hey, Ma, can I sleep over at Greg's on Saturday night?
Rochelle: No. You can't go. I'm having a surprise party for your father on Saturday night, and I need you to be here.
Chris: But Dad's birthday's not till Sunday.
Julius: That's why it's called a surprise party and not a predictable party.
Chris: I thought Dad didn't even like parties.
Rochelle: Boy, you have no idea what your life would be like if I paid attention to what your father liked.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And neither does he.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I couldn't make it to the club and to my father's party, I had to make sure one didn't happen. And I didn't need tickets to see my father.
Chris: Hey, Dad.
Julius: What's up?
Chris: [sighs] I feel real horrible about telling you this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, you don't.
Chris: You know how you didn't want to celebrate your birthday? Mom's planning a surprise party for you.
Julius: What?! I told her I didn't want a party.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What, you mean women don't listen?
Chris: I know. She's gonna take you out to go get some food, then when you get back, everybody's gonna be here.
Julius: Chris, I know it's hard for you to betray your mother's trust, but I'm glad you did. And if she finds out, you can regain her trust for free, but paying off a party is gonna be expensive.
Chris: Think she'll find out?
Julius: I'll make sure she doesn't.

Julius: Honey, I know what you're trying to do. I told you I don't want a party.
Rochelle: How did you know I was throwing you a party? Did Chris tell you?
Julius: No. I'm not stupid, honey. And I appreciate you wanting to celebrate with me, but I don't want a party.
Rochelle: Well, if you don't want to have a birthday party, what do I do when my birthday comes around and I want to have a party?
Julius: So this is all so you can have a party?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Exactly.
Julius: It's my birthday. What are we doing for me?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ironically, making you wish you were never born.
Rochelle: Julius, don't even try to turn this around. If you don't want me to have a party, just come out and say it!
Julius: I didn't say I didn't want you to have a party.
Rochelle: It's not what you're saying, but that's what you're saying. You know what? Fine, Julius. Do what you want.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Happy birthday!

Rochelle: You can go to Greg's on Saturday.
Chris: What about Dad's party?
Rochelle: We're not having it.
Chris: Why not?
Rochelle: 'Cause your father's a jerk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The bad news is my parents could get divorced. But the good news is I get to see the Fat Boys.

Jerome: Cool. Let me buzz my man. Money!
Ryan: I understand you boys want to leave the country.
Chris: Uncle Ryan?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I hope he's not a cop.