‘Everybody Hates Fake IDs’
Season 4, Episode 13 - Aired January 23, 2009
Chris and Greg try to get fake IDs to they can attend a concert by The Fat Boys. Meanwhile, Rochelle wants to plan a surprise party for Julius against his wishes.
Quote from Chris
Greg: Dude, we are so in there.
Chris: I hope so. You got yours memorized?
Greg: Yeah. Paul Stanley, June 6, 1968. What about you?
Chris: Gene Simmons, April 4, 1968.
Bouncer: Whoa! IDs, please. Gene Simmons, April 4, 1968. Isn't that the day they assassinated Dr. King?
Chris: I didn't have nothing to do with it.
Bouncer: Mm-hmm. And, Paul Stanley, your birthday is June 6, 1968. The same day Robert Kennedy was assassinated. And here you two are together. What are the odds of that happening?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] About the same as you being dumb enough to believe any answer we give you.
Chris: It's crazy.
Bouncer: It is, ain't it? Go ahead. Have a good time.
Chris: Ah, yeah.
Bouncer: Hey, Paul, Gene don't get shot. [Chris and Greg fake laughter]
Quote from Joey Caruso
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Of all the things I did expect to see when I went into an adult nightclub, there was one thing I didn't expect: a bunch of kids.
Joey Caruso: Hey, if it isn't Bosco and Milk.
Chris: Caruso? You like the Fat Boys?
Joey Caruso: I'm not Caruso, idiot. In here, I'm H. Rap Brown. You think I'd miss the Human Beatbox? He's like, a hip-hop Bobby McFerrin.
Chris: Who?
Quote from Rochelle
Detective: Ma'am, we confiscated an ID in a raid at a nightclub last night that belongs to someone who lives at this address.
Rochelle: An ID?
Detective: Yes. It was being used by kids who were there in a failed attempt to see the Fat Boys. As a community service, I am returning it to its rightful owner.
Rochelle: Well, what's the name on the ID?
Detective: Gene Simmons.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because Ace Frehley would've sounded ridiculous.
Rochelle: Ah, yeah, that Gene Simmons, yeah. I do recognize him. Come tomorrow, nobody will be able to recognize him. Thank you. Gene!
Choir: [sings] Everybody hates Gene
Quote from Doc
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By 1987, everybody in the country had heard of rap music. And most kids either wanted to be a DJ... or an MC. But then something happened to change it all... the Fat Boys, featuring the Human Beatbox.
Chris: [beatboxing]
Doc: Chris! What the hell are you doing?
Chris: Beatboxing. It's the new thing. Buffy the Human Beatbox from the Fat Boys is the best.
Doc: Best at what? Spitting all over everything?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He did say "spit," right?
Chris: Is it okay if I leave a little early today? The Fat Boys are coming to town, and I want to get there early before the tickets sell out.
Doc: Go on. But you're wasting your money. I know a lady that'll spit on you for half the price of what them tickets cost you.
Quote from Adult Chris
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I wasn't the only one having problems with my date of birth.
Julius: Remember, I don't want a party for my birthday.
Rochelle: Don't worry. You're not having a party.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what the Democrats said to Hillary.
Quote from Drew
Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my mother made birthday plans, Drew made plans to see birthday suits.
Drew: Wow.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew was trying to get something every young boy wanted.
Drew: X-ray glasses. Cool.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm waiting for them to come out with X-ray contact lenses.
Quote from Greg
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, I was more depressed than the Fat Boys at a finger sandwich party.
Chris: My dad's surprise party is Saturday night, and I don't know how I'm gonna do that and see the Fat Boys, too.
Greg: So, surprise him. Don't be there. Look, I did my part. I can't get you out of the house, too.
Chris: You got the IDs?
Greg: Is Janet Jackson in control?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yes, but Michael isn't.
Chris: Let me guess, I'm Mr. T, and you're George Peppard?
Greg: Dude, they're free. What do you expect?
Quote from Greg
Adult Chris: [v.o.] A few blocks away, me and Greg were hoping nobody could see through us.
Chris: This is it.
Greg: "Ticket services, check cashing, bail bondsman, loans, piano lessons."
Both: Piano lessons?
Greg: "Passport photos."
Quote from Ryan
Greg: We just want to go see the Fat Boys.
Ryan: Oh. I love those guys. [sings] All you can eat [grunting rhythmically]
Chris: So, when can we get 'em?
Greg: And how much is it gonna cost?
Ryan: Well, that depends. When it comes to delivery, you have three separate options. You can get 'em fast and cheap, but not good; you can get 'em good and cheap, but not fast; or you can get 'em fast and good, but not cheap.
Chris: Well, the concert's tomorrow, so how much is the last option?
Ryan: 25 bucks. Each.
Quote from Jerome
Jerome: Lemonade?
Ryan: Not "lemonade." "Laminated." It means "covered in plastic." I want you to get these laminated, so they look like the real thing. When it's done, take 'em to Chris.
Jerome: Cool.