Gerry: Where are my scallions?! How do you make a salad sandwich if you don't have scallions?! I asked for them ten minutes ago! Come on, now, people! Let's get it together, please! And there's a multipack of Taytos still waiting to be bowled up! No cross contamination this time. I want cheese and onion in one bowl, salt and vinegar in another! It is not that difficult, folks!

Michelle: I can't believe we're doing this. It's fucking heartbreaking.
Erin: Look, Granda's had one and now he's acting really, really weird.
Michelle: You're being paranoid, Erin.
Erin: He was nice to Daddy.
Michelle: Jesus!
Erin: Exactly. And if my ma starts asking questions...
Michelle: Your ma won't trace it back to us.
Erin: Are you for real? She traces everything back to us! She traces things we haven't even done back to us!

Clare: OK, I'm gonna flush.
Erin: Go for it. Is it working?
James: Of course it's working.
Clare: Is the water rising?!
Erin: Jesus Christ! Why's the water rising, James?
James: I don't know! The water didn't rise in Goodfellas!
Michelle: Fuck! We've clogged it.
Orla: Who has a plunger?
Erin: I'm afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Orla: Aye, me too. Nightmare, so it is. [all wail]

Sarah: How's your scoots now, Erin, love?
Erin: Aye, they're clearing up, I think.
Sarah: God, it's my worst nightmare, getting caught out in someone else's house like that.
Gerry: I still don't understand why you had to bring all of your friends in there with you.
Erin: I panicked, Daddy.
Mary: Can we please stop talking about Erin's scoots? We're about to have our tea.

[As the organist plays Here Comes The Bride, Aunt Sarah walks down the aisle in a white dress. The bride and her father follow.]
Sarah: Jesus! But that taxi took forever, so it did. [The bride and her father pass by] Oh! Isn't she gorgeous?
Mary: Give me strength.

Mary: Everyone's looking at us!
Sarah: Do you think it's your hat?
Mary: What?
Sarah: It is a bit much, Mary. I did try to tell you.
Mary: My hat's a bit much? Really?
Woman: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Joe: What in under Christ have you done now?
Gerry: I don't think she was talking to me, Joe. I think she was talking to the person in the full-length white frock who just managed to upstage the actual bride.
Sarah: Och, I wouldn't say I upstaged her now, Gerry.

Joe: Herself's over there. Circling the drinks table. Bitter old bat.
Mary: Da...
Joe: It's one glass per head. She has already necked the guts of four bottles.
Mary: Da!
Joe: Though it'll hardly touch the sides. Tolerance of a rhino.
Mary: Stop it, OK? Bridie's still our aunt. She's still Mammy's sister. And if Mammy was alive...
Joe: Your mother couldn't stick her!
Mary: Ssh! She's coming over.

Joe: All right, Bridie. Are you well?
Aunt Bridie: Nope. No, I'm not, actually. Not that you give a shit.
Eammon: Mammy hasn't been keeping the best lately, Joe. I was a bit worried about her for a while.
Joe: I wouldn't upset yourself too much, son. Sure a bullet couldn't take your mother out. Isn't that right, Bridie?
Aunt Bridie: Still a prick I see, Joe. Christ knows what our Marie ever saw in you, God rest her soul. Yous must still miss her terribly, girls.
Mary: We do indeed.
Aunt Bridie: Isn't it a crying shame neither of you got her looks?

Mary: So, Eammon! Any craic with you? Are you seeing anyone? Should I maybe buy myself another hat?
Sarah: You should definitely buy yourself another hat, Mary. That thing does nothing for you.
Eammon: I'm not seeing anyone.
Mary: Plenty of time, I suppose.
Aunt Bridie: Eammon'll never marry.
Gerry: Is that a feeling, Bridie, or an instruction?

Mary: Erin! Orla!
Erin: Aw, for Christ's sake!
Mary: I said you could invite one friend to the reception! One!
Erin: Och, Mummy, they don't come separately.
Michelle: Aye, we're pack animals, Mary.
James: I love your hat, Mrs Quinn.
Mary: Thanks, son.
Michelle: Dickhead.