Sam: You know, the truth is I know how you feel. I felt the same way about Haley Mills when I was 12.
Rebecca: When weren't you 12?

Sam: Hello, ladies, can I help you?
Sylvia: We're here about the book club.
Sam: Oh, you probably have us confused with the public library. Happens all the time. It's two blocks down.

Tim: Hey, Woody, when you were on the set there, you see any famous actresses? Huh?
Woody: No.
Norm: What about all the drug stuff you hear about in show business, see any of that?
Woody: No.
Hugh: There's a lot of that juicy backstabbing going on on the set?
Woody: No.
Pete: Hey, guys, you got to hear these stories.

Cliff: Well I certainly don't have to stand here and take that.
Norm: Mm, good news, everyone. I've found a way to make him leave.
Cliff: You'll rue this day, my friend. I am going to make a laughingstock out of you in front of your whole pseudo-profession.
Woody: [to Norm] Very Joan Crawford.

Woody: Hey, hey, see that apple in the underwear commercial there?
Sam: Yeah.
Woody: He played a doorman in my Spenser for Hire.
Sam: Oh, yeah?
Woody: Talk about range.

Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hang on a second. Mr. Peterson, it's Mr. Clavin. [Norm shakes his head] Come on, now, it's been a whole week. Maybe he wants to make up.
Norm: Take a message.
Woody: Can I take a message? Okeydokey. [hangs up and walks away from Norm]
Norm: What'd he say?
Woody: [chittering like a monkey]

Norm: Woody, when's your big scene?
Woody: It's hard to tell. You know, in television, we shoot out of sequence.

Woody: There I am!
Sam: Where?! Where?! Where are you?
Woody: There! Right there in the corner!
Sam: That's a fire hydrant.
Woody: No, no, right next to it. That's my sleeve!
Pete: Woody, we can't see your face.
Woody: What?! Don't you recognize my shirt?
Frasier: That distinctive plain white one?
Woody: All right, well, now it's gone to commercial. You missed it.

Pete: Hey, Woods. I'm just curious, um, did a lot of other shirts audition for that role?
Hugh: Hey, Woody, there's an article in here that says your shirt is now dating Morgan Fairchild. But she says they're just friends.
Woody: Come on, guys. I'm telling you, I really did do it.
Tim: Sure thing, Woody.
Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hi, Robert Urich. Yeah, yeah, this is your old pal, Woody. Oh, well, I thought your performance was wonderful tonight, too. Yeah. [chuckling] Yeah. What? Oh, uh, yeah, that shirt? Yeah, I- I picked it out myself. Uh, Sears, I think. Yeah, okay, well, thanks for calling. I'll see you around the studio. [chuckles] All right, bye. [hangs up] See?
Tim: How could we have ever doubted him?
Norm: Boy, do we have egg on our face, huh?

Sam: Boy you sure, uh you sure taught them a lesson, didn't you? By the way, what, what do they do with a drunken sailor?
Rebecca: Malone? Get in there.
Sam: Oh, so you do need me, huh? The right man for the job.
Rebecca: No, no, no. You don't understand. They asked for you.
Sam: They did?
Rebecca: Yes, they said, "Send in" [mumbles]
Sam: Did you hear that? What did you? Could you say that slower, please?
Rebecca: "The tall hunk with the rippling rump."
Sam: And you automatically thought of me. Isn't that interesting?
Rebecca: Would you just get them out of here, please?
Sam: I will ripple them into submission. Are you catching that?