Norm: Can't imagine what it's going to be like to see, uh, somebody we actually know up on that TV screen.
Hugh: Yeah.
Frasier: Well, Norm, I'm- l'm loathe to chide you for your short memory, but I appeared on the tube just a few short weeks ago.
Norm: Oh, well, yeah, Frasier, uh, no offense, but a bunch of do-gooders sitting around jabbering about a nuclear freeze is one thing. We're talking prime time cop show here.

Rebecca: Evening, ladies. I'm really excited about you being here. The rest of your group's already in the back.
Sylvia: Oh, thank you very much. It should be a special evening. Tonight, we're discussing English agrarian life before the Reform Bill as portrayed in Elliot's Middlemarch. Would you care to join us?
Rebecca: You know, actually, we were just discussing that at the bar, and I'm a little burned out on it.

Sam: What are you doing, Woody?
Woody: I'm wringing my hands with guilt.
Sam: Oh. I don't think I've actually seen that before. Why?
Woody: I told a terrible lie to the guys, Sam.
Sam: Oh, you mean about being on that TV show?
Woody: No, no, that was true, but I got a telephone call, and I pretended it was Robert Urich on the other end. I mean, I- I didn't hurt anybody or anything. Although your-your plumber seemed a little confused.
Sam: Well, I'm... Don't worry about it. I'm sure everyone will forgive you.
Woody: But it was a lie, Sam, and I've never told a lie before.
Sam: What?
Woody: No, no, wait. That's a lie. l- I've told lies See, now, that's two lies. See how much easier it gets? Oh, my God, I'm out of control. What's next? Murder?

Tim: Looks like the old pool tournament is out again for next week.
Cliff: Yeah. Oh, yeah? Fancy that. Well, did you tell Norm? When he hears that, he'll go ape. [chuckles]
Norm: Cliff, your delivery of jokes is as bad as your delivery of the mail.
Cliff: Oh! Mighty Joe Young strikes back there.
Norm: How'd you become a mailman anyway? What, did you flunk out of tollbooth school? [laughter]
Cliff: Hey, all right, now, that's a good one. Yep.
Norm: Know why, uh, dogs hate mailmen? They just want to be like everyone else. [guys laugh]
Cliff: All right, that's it. It's go time.
Norm: Okay, fellas, this is the guy I've been telling you about.

Bob Urich: Hey, Woody.
Woody: Hey, Bob, how are you doing?
Bob Urich: Fine. Look, I was just passing by, and I wanted to return your gloves. Thanks for letting me use them.
Woody: Hey, my pleasure. Listen, could you hang on a second?
Bob Urich: Sure.
Woody: I got some friends you'd love to meet.
Bob Urich: Yeah.
Woody: Miss Howe? You'll never guess who's here. Bob Urich.
Rebecca: [o.s.] Woody, it's been a horrible night. I'm really not in the mood to be teased.
Woody: No, no, it's the truth. He's really here.
Rebecca: [o.s.] Woody, go away!
Woody: She's a big fan of yours.

Woody: Hey, guys! Bob Urich's here.
Frasier: [o.s.] Oh, sure, Wood. Who's he with, Liz Taylor?
Woody: You're not, are you?
Bob Urich: No. Look, uh, Woody, uh, we were shooting late, and I'm having a few people over. You want to come by?
Woody: You bet.
Bob Urich: Yeah, come on.
Woody: Great.
Bob Urich: The car's right outside.
Woody: Could you hang on a second? I want to check here.
Bob Urich: Sure.
Woody: Hey, Sam, uh... Robert Urich's here. Uh, he wants me to go over to his house. Can I leave?
Sam: [without turning around] Woody, Woody, Wo- All right, yeah, whatever you say.
Woody: Great, we're out of here.
Bob Urich: Good night.
Sam: [turns around and sees the bottom-half of a man going up the stairs] No.

Cliff: Yeah, Normie, I'm, uh, I'm sort of sorry about everything that happened.
Norm: Oh, well, Cliff, I'm even sorrier for what's about to happen.
Cliff: Huh? What do you mean?
[A monkey enters the bear wearing a USPS uniform and a mail bag, carrying a parcel and a clipboard. After Woody takes the clipboard and signs for the parcel, the monkey hands over the parcel and leaves.]
Cliff: You're dead meat, Peterson!
[Cliff chases Norm around the bar, up the stairs to Melville's]

Cliff: Normie, you, uh you ever feel like we're getting in a little rut here?
Norm: How do you mean, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, every day, we come into the same bar, sit on the same stools, drink beer, night after... I mean, there's got to be something a little bit more to life.
Norm: Cliffie, for the last time, I am not changing barstools with you.

Frasier: Aw, come on, guys. There must be something going on in our lives that we can talk about. Well, Norm, what did you do today?
Norm: Well, I just about finished the first coat of paint at Cliff's apartment.
Frasier: Oh, yawns all around. Next?

Norm: Whoa! You're going to be on national TV? Weren't you nervous?
Woody: Oh, yeah, I was, until I talked to Mr. Urich.
Rebecca: You talked to him? I'm dying! What did he say?
Woody: He said it was a cold day.
Rebecca: [gasps] And what did you say?
Woody: I agreed with him.
Norm: Ooh, good move.
Woody: Then I loaned him my gloves.
Cliff: Yeah? What'd he say?
Woody: Thanks.
Rebecca: Oh! Can't you just hear him?