Cliff: Sammy, would you step in my office, please? A word in your ear. You know, if I were you, I'd approach the good Dr. Legs there on a professional level. I would make an appointment with her and pretend there was something wrong with me.
Sam: Cliffie, that's a pretty good idea.
Carla: Yeah, who gave it to you?
Cliff: It's mine. It, uh, came right from this brain.
Carla: Hey, everybody, Clavin got a new brain.

Carla: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I've got a suggestion. This is surefire. It's going to get you where you really want her. Impotence. [guys all groan]
Sam: No, no, that's a word us guys don't even like to say.
Carla: Wait a minute, take it from me. We women are pushovers for this kind of stuff. Hey, there are two things that women like to do more than anything else in the world. And one of them is to cure a guy of impotence.
Sam: What's the other thing?
Carla: Give it to him again if he gets out of line.
Sam: No, I tell you, I don't care how hot that lady is. That's I just couldn't say something like that to her. [Dr. Rydell walks to the bar and eats a cherry] Okay, so I tell her that I'm impotent.

Dr. Sheila Rydell: Mr. Malone. Oh, it is the same Sam Malone. I hope this is a professional visit.
Sam: Oh, I'm sad to say yes. Doctor, I need to unburden myself here, and I figured that you were the one person maybe I could talk to.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Of course. Sit down. Now take your time. Tell me what's troubling you.
Sam: Well, Doctor, as you know, I'm a young, healthy male. But recently I've... Oh, heck, I'm not going to mince words with you here. Lately I haven't been able to get the old evan root cranking.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Excuse me?
Sam: Um, well, it's like uh... It's like my favorite shirt is a little light in the starch.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Are you trying to say that you're impotent?
Sam: No, don't, oh, don't use that word.

Carla: Okay, boys, closing time. Let's move on out. Probably want to go home, get some rest, so you can be back for your 9:00 a.m. shift.
Cliff: It's one of those days I hate to see end, you know what I mean?
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Cliff: Hey, I got some new videos. You guys want to come over my place?
Woody: New videos, great.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, Ma had our home movies converted to tape. There's a great one of me all dressed up as Peter Pan. Ma's Captain Hook, she's tying me up. [chuckles] It's great.
Norm: For Halloween, huh?
Cliff: No, no, it's a little game we used to play to help me sleep. You know how crazy teenagers are.
[Norm shakes his head and tries to walk back in the bar, but Woody grabs him and they follow after Cliff]

Sam: Well, Sheila, why don't you hop up to the bar there, I'll fix us a little nightcap.
Carla: Oh, Sammy, you mind if I take off early? I want to put the little ones to bed myself tonight.
Sam: Put them to bed? Hey, it's 2:00 a.m.
Carla: Oh, right, they're probably not home yet. Ah, well, I'll get some sleep.
Carla: Hey, listen, don't forget to put up the barstools.
Sam: Don't worry about it. We'll do it later.
Carla: I hope so. But take care of the stools, too.

Carla: Well, well, this calls for a celebration. Waters all around.
Sam: Why, what?
Carla: Oh, this is truly sad. I mean, a guy who would never settle for less than eight dates a week is doing back-flips over a lousy "maybe."
Sam: Hey, come on, that's progress for me and Rebecca.
Carla: Face facts. You had it once but you lost it. You ain't nothing but Clavin in a good shirt.
Norm: Yeah, I guess we're gonna have to go shopping for a new hero.
Sam: Oh, guys, guys, I can't believe my ears.
Woody: Well, Sam, your ears are the least of your problems.

Sam: Hey, and thank you for not coming on like a psychiatrist.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: What does that mean?
Sam: Well, I know you guys always have your meter going. And I was afraid you were sitting there thinking all sorts of weird, head-shrinking things.
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Well, as a professional, you learn to keep those things to yourself.
Sam: So you were thinking those things?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Sam, I really prefer to divorce business from pleasure.
Sam: Absolutely. No, you're right. Were they bad things?
Dr. Sheila Rydell: Sam, I really think it's a mistake to pursue this matter any further.
Sam: Oh, great. I bet you wouldn't say that if you were thinking good things. I mean, you'd probably come right out and say it if you were sitting there thinking, "Whoa, you know, this guy is really together and I'm lucky to be with him, and boy, the hair."

Rebecca: Um, uh... Sam, wait. What about the Stooges?
Sam: They're all right, they're over at Cliff's.
Rebecca: No, no, Sam. What about the Three Stooges?
Sam: Oh, yeah, great. I like the Three Stooges. That helps a lot.
Rebecca: Wait a minute, Sam. Think about this. Do women like the Three Stooges?
Sam: No, they hate them.
Rebecca: All right. Are women impressed that you like the Three Stooges?
Sam: No, some of them even think they're stupid.
Rebecca: When you're watching the Three Stooges, do you think they're sexy?
Sam: No, when you watch the Three Stooges, nobody has time to think about sex or women. Hey, wait a minute. That means I do have another interest in my life. I like the Stooges for themselves. Hey, whoa, I'm okay. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Sam: Hey, guys, guys, guys, guys. Watch this. Hi, gorgeous. Want to go out with me?
Rebecca: I've got a little cold.
Sam: Oh next week?
Rebecca: I'm busy.
Sam: The week after?
Rebecca: Maybe. [closes door]
Sam: You saw it. You were there. Sam Malone just scored a "maybe." Yow!

Sam: You think I'm losing it? What, you need proof?
Norm: No, no, no. Not necessary.
Sam: No, no, listen, I want to prove to you guys that I'm still your king. Everybody, please. Focus your attention on the door there. The Amazing Sammy will now make love to the very next woman who enters this bar.
Carla: Be right back.
Sam: No, no, no. Hold it. Hey, employees are ineligible.
Carla: I quit! [to a woman coming through the door] We're closed.
Sam: Too late, too late.