‘The Gift of the Woodi’
Season 7, Episode 19 - Aired April 6, 1989
Woody is embarrassed when he's invited to Kelly's birthday party and can't compete with the expensive gifts she receives. Meanwhile, Lilith gives Rebecca a makeover to become a successful career woman.
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: Eh, fine, here, go ahead and laugh. Yeah, go ahead and laugh. We'll see how funny you think this is. [laughter] Oh, as you you may have guessed, this is a hybrid cross between a rutabaga and a beet.
Sam: What are we calling it?
Norm: Cliffie, I don't want to poke holes in this thing, or even touch it, actually, but really, I mean, how useful do you think this is going to be?
Cliff: Are you kidding, Norm? This is a perfect vegetable for kids who hate rutabagas but love beets.
Norm: Oh, and there must be, what, dozens of those, right?
Cliff: Exactly. Fills a long felt need, Norm. That's why those faceless bureaucrats in Washington are trying to steal it away from me. Which reminds me. Uh, I got an affidavit here I'd like you all to sign saying that, uh, Clifford Clavin is the inventor of the beetabaga.
Quote from Rebecca
Rebecca: I have just about had it up to here with this corporation.
Carla: Hey, everybody, here comes the broken record.
Rebecca: I get invited to my first power lunch meeting and nobody even notices me. As usual, I am just ignored. But I finally figured out why. I am just too darned attractive.
Sam: Guys really hate that.
Rebecca: You know, the problem is that everybody just sees me as a sex kitten. I hate that. I think I need to find a new role model. If only I knew one successful career woman with an image that invites no sexual appeal whatsoever.
Lilith: Another decaffeinated ice coffee, black as you can make it.
Quote from Lilith
Rebecca: Lilith, I love the way you look.
Lilith: Which is it? The radiant glow of impending motherhood, or the 20 pounds of water I'm retaining in my fingers and ankles?
Rebecca: Lilith, Lilith, I love the way you dress. I admire your style. Do you think that um, you could help me develop a more business-like appearance?
Lilith: I'd love to, Rebecca. And may I say it's about time you asked. There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her look to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.
Rebecca: What's that?
Lilith: Scaring them stupid.
Rebecca: I like it.
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: Well, how 'bout a gift from the heart? Something which no rich man can obtain, upon which no price can be set.
Woody: Great idea, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: I can't tell you actually what to do of course, but I can relate a story from my own experience. I remember when I was courting a certain beauty, I wrote her a poem. Of course, it was no great piece of literature, but it did express my feelings honestly. I recall reciting the last lines while we were sitting in front of the fire, basking in our love. "Your lips are the flame that consumes me and the candle that lights my way."
Lilith: Frasier, love.
Frasier: Yes, dearest?
Lilith: I've never heard that drivel before in my life.
Frasier: I wonder whose lips those were.
Quote from Norm
Woody: I just can't get over that Kelly made a fool out of me in front of all those people.
Norm: So you just left, huh?
Woody: What else could I do? I told her my present was out front and ran off.
Norm: Don't worry about it, Wood. It happens to all of us.
Woody: Really? Did Mrs. Peterson ever make a fool out of you in front of other people?
Norm: Yeah, there was that time she pulled the old "l do" gag.
Quote from Cliff
Cliff: Well, that cuts it. The whole world's against me.
Norm: What's the problem, Cliffie?
Cliff: Oh, those boneheads down at McDonald's refuse to consider the obvious commercial value of McBeetabaga burgers.
Norm: For God's sake, are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?
Cliff: It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.
Carla: Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?
Cliff: Now you are going to be doubting on the other side of your mouth pretty soon. You know, I went home last night and fooled around in the kitchen a little bit, and I came up with some mouthwatering morsels here. Come on, who's going to be the first to try some of these goodies? We have beetabaga brittle, beetabaga burritos and that little taste of Cairo, beetabaga fajita in a pita.
Norm: How about a beetabaga barf bag?
Quote from Woody
Sam: Woody, I think you ought to give her a second chance. I mean, Kelly doesn't know what she's doing here. She was born rich. All her school friends are rich. You know, maybe she just can't imagine someone who can't afford something expensive. Did you explain it to her?
Woody: What's the use? I don't care anymore.
Sam: Don't be bitter.
Woody: I'm not bitter, Sam. I'm just consumed by a gnawing hate that's eating away at my gut until I can taste the bile in my mouth. Well, I guess I am a little bitter. Either that or I'm coming down with something. Does anybody have a Tic Tac?
Quote from Kelly
Cliff: Yeah, there's only one thing left to do. I'll just take this to the public. Beetabaga fajita on a pita?
Kelly: No habla espanol, senor.
Quote from Kelly
Kelly: Woody, are you okay? I was afraid something awful had happened to you.
Woody: Yeah, well, maybe it did.
Kelly: I kept waiting for you to come back to the party, and at first I just figured you'd gone out on to the front lawn and got lost, like last week. But now I know something's wrong.
Quote from Woody
Kelly: Wait, everybody. Woody hasn't given me his present yet.
Woody: Oh. That's right, Kelly. Uh, could you come stand over here? I'd like to sing you a little song I wrote for you. Now I should tell you right up front, that I'm not really a professional singer. I'm more of a vocal stylist.
Mr. Gaines: The song, Woody.
Woody: Oh, right. [plays sweetly] Kelly, my darling, you are my sunshine When we're together I feel fine Your smile is so lovely, your hair is so clean You make me feel that the whole world is mine Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly K-E-L-L-Y Why? Because you're Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly of mine [soft applause] Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. [song ends]
Kelly: Oh, Woody, that was beautiful.
Woody: You really liked it?
Kelly: Oh, I liked it more than anything.
Kelly: So, where's my gift?