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‘The Gift of the Woodi’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi

719. The Gift of the Woodi

Aired April 6, 1989

Woody is embarrassed when he's invited to Kelly's birthday party and can't compete with the expensive gifts she receives. Meanwhile, Lilith gives Rebecca a makeover to become a successful career woman.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Eh, fine, here, go ahead and laugh. Yeah, go ahead and laugh. We'll see how funny you think this is. [laughter] Oh, as you you may have guessed, this is a hybrid cross between a rutabaga and a beet.
Sam: What are we calling it?
Cliff: Beetabaga.
Norm: Cliffie, I don't want to poke holes in this thing, or even touch it, actually, but really, I mean, how useful do you think this is going to be?
Cliff: Are you kidding, Norm? This is a perfect vegetable for kids who hate rutabagas but love beets.
Norm: Oh, and there must be, what, dozens of those, right?
Cliff: Exactly. Fills a long felt need, Norm. That's why those faceless bureaucrats in Washington are trying to steal it away from me. Which reminds me. Uh, I got an affidavit here I'd like you all to sign saying that, uh, Clifford Clavin is the inventor of the beetabaga.

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Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: I have just about had it up to here with this corporation.
Carla: Hey, everybody, here comes the broken record.
Rebecca: I get invited to my first power lunch meeting and nobody even notices me. As usual, I am just ignored. But I finally figured out why. I am just too darned attractive.
Sam: Guys really hate that.
Rebecca: You know, the problem is that everybody just sees me as a sex kitten. I hate that. I think I need to find a new role model. If only I knew one successful career woman with an image that invites no sexual appeal whatsoever.
Lilith: Another decaffeinated ice coffee, black as you can make it.

Quote from Lilith

Rebecca: Lilith, I love the way you look.
Lilith: Which is it? The radiant glow of impending motherhood, or the 20 pounds of water I'm retaining in my fingers and ankles?
Rebecca: Lilith, Lilith, I love the way you dress. I admire your style. Do you think that um, you could help me develop a more business-like appearance?
Lilith: I'd love to, Rebecca. And may I say it's about time you asked. There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her look to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.
Rebecca: What's that?
Lilith: Scaring them stupid.
Rebecca: I like it.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, how 'bout a gift from the heart? Something which no rich man can obtain, upon which no price can be set.
Woody: Great idea, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: I can't tell you actually what to do of course, but I can relate a story from my own experience. I remember when I was courting a certain beauty, I wrote her a poem. Of course, it was no great piece of literature, but it did express my feelings honestly. I recall reciting the last lines while we were sitting in front of the fire, basking in our love. "Your lips are the flame that consumes me and the candle that lights my way."
Lilith: Frasier, love.
Frasier: Yes, dearest?
Lilith: I've never heard that drivel before in my life.
Frasier: I wonder whose lips those were.

Quote from Norm

Woody: I just can't get over that Kelly made a fool out of me in front of all those people.
Norm: So you just left, huh?
Woody: What else could I do? I told her my present was out front and ran off.
Norm: Don't worry about it, Wood. It happens to all of us.
Woody: Really? Did Mrs. Peterson ever make a fool out of you in front of other people?
Norm: Yeah, there was that time she pulled the old "l do" gag.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, that cuts it. The whole world's against me.
Norm: What's the problem, Cliffie?
Cliff: Oh, those boneheads down at McDonald's refuse to consider the obvious commercial value of McBeetabaga burgers.
Norm: For God's sake, are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?
Cliff: It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.
Carla: Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?
Cliff: Now you are going to be doubting on the other side of your mouth pretty soon. You know, I went home last night and fooled around in the kitchen a little bit, and I came up with some mouthwatering morsels here. Come on, who's going to be the first to try some of these goodies? We have beetabaga brittle, beetabaga burritos and that little taste of Cairo, beetabaga fajita in a pita.
Norm: How about a beetabaga barf bag?

Quote from Woody

Sam: Woody, I think you ought to give her a second chance. I mean, Kelly doesn't know what she's doing here. She was born rich. All her school friends are rich. You know, maybe she just can't imagine someone who can't afford something expensive. Did you explain it to her?
Woody: What's the use? I don't care anymore.
Sam: Don't be bitter.
Woody: I'm not bitter, Sam. I'm just consumed by a gnawing hate that's eating away at my gut until I can taste the bile in my mouth. Well, I guess I am a little bitter. Either that or I'm coming down with something. Does anybody have a Tic Tac?

Quote from Kelly

Cliff: Yeah, there's only one thing left to do. I'll just take this to the public. Beetabaga fajita on a pita?
Kelly: No habla espanol, senor.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Woody, are you okay? I was afraid something awful had happened to you.
Woody: Yeah, well, maybe it did.
Kelly: I kept waiting for you to come back to the party, and at first I just figured you'd gone out on to the front lawn and got lost, like last week. But now I know something's wrong.

Quote from Woody

Kelly: Wait, everybody. Woody hasn't given me his present yet.
Woody: Oh. That's right, Kelly. Uh, could you come stand over here? I'd like to sing you a little song I wrote for you. Now I should tell you right up front, that I'm not really a professional singer. I'm more of a vocal stylist.
Mr. Gaines: The song, Woody.
Woody: Oh, right. [plays sweetly] Kelly, my darling, you are my sunshine When we're together I feel fine Your smile is so lovely, your hair is so clean You make me feel that the whole world is mine Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly K-E-L-L-Y Why? Because you're Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly of mine [soft applause] Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. [song ends]
Kelly: Oh, Woody, that was beautiful.
Woody: You really liked it?
Kelly: Oh, I liked it more than anything.
Woody: Thanks.
Kelly: So, where's my gift?

Quote from Woody

Sam: Woody, I think you ought to lay off. How many have you had?
Woody: Eleven.
Sam: 11 beers?
Woody: 11 sips.
Sam: Well, that's that's plenty, Woody. You know, booze is no way to handle any problems.

Quote from Woody

Woody: No, wait, Kelly. It's not what I want, but you have to understand something. I'm just a poor working guy.
Kelly: Could we go someplace and talk?
Woody: I can't leave now.
Kelly: Why not?
Woody: I have a job.
Kelly: I know, I think that's so cute.
Woody: I don't work to be cute. I work to make money to live. The cute part just happens.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Well, let's go get it now. We'll take my new Lamborghini. It only has three miles on it.
Woody: We can't go get it now. I don't have any money.
Kelly: Oh, we can just stop by your automatic teller on the way.
Woody: Kelly, when I say I don't have any money, I don't have any money. Nothing in my shoe, nothing under my mattress. Nothing. You take all the money in all the world and get rid of it and that's how much money I have.
Kelly: Wait a minute. You can't afford this, can you? That's why you've been so upset. Now I understand. It's like when Daddy wanted to buy Shell Oil and couldn't.

Quote from Woody

Woody: No, no, no. You guys are way off base. I didn't think Mr. Gaines liked me either, but he just invited me to Kelly's birthday party.
Norm: Ooh, well, that's great.
Carla: Well, you know, you're going to have to get her a present, Wood.
Woody: I know, Carla. I'm prepared for this. And I'm not just giving her any present, but the gift that makes us all a little bit happier to be alive. The gift of laughter. [Sam & Norm chuckle]
Norm: How, uh, how so, Wood?
Woody: I'm giving her The Really Big Book of Dutch Humor. [laughter] See, it works.
Carla: Woody, you know, everybody at the party is going to be richer than God. If you walk in there and show them a stupid book full of tulip jokes, they're going to laugh in your face.
Woody: That's kind of the idea, Carla.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: [enters] All right, I'm gonna say it, and I don't care who knows it. Every since Reagan left the White House, this country has gone to heck in a handcart.
Sam: Here we go. [flips a coin]
Norm: Heads.
Sam: Ha-ha.
Norm: Damn. All right, Cliff, seeing as how I'm your best friend, I guess you better tell me what the problem is.
Cliff: Ah, you're only asking me 'cause you lost the toss.
Carla: No, he's only your best friend because he lost the toss.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Whoa, Woody, you look like a million bucks.
Woody: Well, you're way off, Sam. I got the sweater for $19.95, I got the pants for 25 bucks and I got the socks at a yard sale for 40 cents.
Sam: What's the occasion?
Woody: Well, they were selling the house, trying to get rid of some old socks.

Quote from Norm

Sam: No, Woody, I meant why are you all dressed up?
Woody: Oh, well, uh, the corporation's having a big lunch and my girlfriend's dad is going to be there.
Sam: Oh, so in case you bump in to him you want to look good, huh? Whoo.
Woody: Yeah, he makes me so nervous. It took me an hour to figure out what to wear this morning.
Norm: Yeah, you know, I have that problem, too.
Carla: You only have three suits.
Norm: Yeah, but I have five ties.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, Woody, you're better off dumping her. Rich people stink. I hate them. I hate their soft shoes, the way they're too relaxed to sweat. You know what I hate most about rich people? I'm not one of them.
Woody: Yeah, Carla, you sweat like a longshoreman.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Are you ready to sock it to the old boy's network?
Rebecca: I am!
Lilith: Too much inflection.
Rebecca: [flatly] I am.
Lilith: I am proud of you.
Carla: Geez, two Liliths. This is like a nightmare I had once.
Frasier: You, too?

Quote from Kelly

Woody: Well, gee, there is one other thing I wanted to give you, and maybe it's even better than the song. No one else in the world has it.
Kelly: What's that?
Woody: Just... I love you. [kisses Kelly] You're not going to say "where's my gift," are you?
Kelly: Oh, Woody, you make me feel so ashamed. Your gift makes all those others seem so cheap.
Woody: Look, Kelly, you're the best girl in the whole world.
Kelly: And to think that for your birthday I was going to get you a Porsche. Talk about shallow. All you really need is to hear me say that I love you, too. Woody? Woody?
Woody: I'm sorry, did you say something after Porsche?

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