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Cheers: The Visiting Lecher

722. The Visiting Lecher

Aired May 4, 1989

When a friend of Frasier's, Dr. Lawrence Crandell (John McMartin), who literally wrote the book on fidelity visits Cheers, he hits on Rebecca but none of the guys believe her.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Good evening, Mr. Clavin. How lovely to see you again.
Cliff: It's a trick, isn't it? You're gonna hurt me.
Norm: Yeah, what's the story here, Carla? You've been acting very strange all evening.
Carla: Why? What did I do?
Norm: Well, for example, you've poured me three beers without once flicking the foam up my nose.
Woody: You haven't even spit on anybody.
Sam: What is it, honey? Trouble at home?
Carla: All right, I'm gonna tell you guys. I went to see Madam Lazora this morning.
Woody: Your fortune teller?
Carla: Palmist. Anyway, she told me that my courtesy to others tonight could result in substantial wealth.
Sam: Ah.
Carla: And I'm telling you, tonight I'm taking no chances.
Norm: What, you're not even going to insult anybody?
Carla: Well, not unless I can do it so subtly that he doesn't know he's been insulted. No, tonight the bigger jackass a guy is, the more courteous I am gonna be. I'll start with numero uno. Now, I do hope you'll allow me the incredible privilege of serving you a beer, Mr. Clavin.

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Quote from Frasier

Frasier: It's, uh, a marriage manual. It's entitled, the, uh, The Forever Couple: The Joy of Loving One Person For the Rest of Your Life.
Norm: Ah, science-fiction. Those usually sell great.
Frasier: But you know, success does have its price tag. He's been away from his wife, Valerie, for the better part of a year. Jeez, you know, I think I'd go crazy if I was away from Lilith for that long. I don't even like to think about it.
Sam: Yeah, I'll bet.
Frasier: Well, I do think about it. I don't enjoy it.
Sam: I'm sure not.
Frasier: Well, I do enjoy it, but I'm not proud of the fact.

Quote from Norm

Dr. Crandell: I make it a point to tell my wife at least once a day, "You're my world, you're my life, I love you."
Norm: I'll bet my wife would love to hear those words. Could you give her a call?

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Why you filthy... Okay, fine, fine. There is a chambermaid in the room. Explain it.
Mrs. Crandell: A chambermaid in a hotel? Will wonders never cease.
Sam: You know, actually, we're going to be running along here.
Rebecca: No, we're not going to be running along. All right. How about the fiddler, huh?
Dr. Crandell: I was lonely. I was going to have him play our song all night.
Rebecca: All right, all right. So have your loving husband explain why the four of us were in that closet.
Mrs. Crandell: You were there. You mean you don't know?
Rebecca: Yes, I know. Because you are the scariest bitch we would ever want to meet.
Mrs. Crandell: And you are a little tramp.
Rebecca: Tramp? Why, I ought to put you... I'm going to kill your husband! I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill you! He's stupid, he's a fraud! He's a psycho! He's a...! I'm going to hunt you down and kill you like a dog! And why don't you get yourself some new socks, buster?!
Sam: Um... Uh, I can explain everything here. She just wanted to convince me that she's not crazy.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: He was rubbing his foot on my leg.
Frasier: Well, perhaps he was just trying to cross his legs and he accidentally bumped into you.
Rebecca: What do you think I am, a nitwit? I am telling you that your distinguished, happily married friend was coming on to me.
Sam: Oh, please.
Rebecca: He was!
Frasier: Do you realize that you are impugning the reputation of a man that literally wrote the book on fidelity in marriage. You've insulted him, and frankly, you've insulted me.
Sam: No, you know, I see what's going on here. You know, you just projected your frustrations on to somebody else, because it's been too long since you had your tires rotated.
Rebecca: And I am telling you that he is a lying, hypocritical sleaze who needs to be neutered.

Quote from Rebecca

Dr. Crandell: Excuse me, Frasier. I think I better be moving along. Somehow I've antagonized Miss Howe. Rather than provoke any further embarrassment, I think it's best to simply remove my offending personality.
Frasier: Oh, Larry, must you?
Sam: No, no, Dr. Crandell, please. Uh, you see, you got to understand something about Rebecca here. She's had a very difficult past few... life.
Dr. Crandell: I've sensed some emotional problems there. It's a pity.
Rebecca: The nerve of that man saying I have an emotional problem. I'd like to meet him in a dark alley with a cleaver.

Quote from Frasier

Rebecca: You're in early tonight, Frasier.
Frasier: Yes, I'm meeting a former colleague, Dr. Lawrence Crandell, for a pre-dinner drink. He's in town on a book tour.
Sam: Oh, yeah? He's a writer, huh?
Frasier: Ooh, I should say so. He's written a raging best seller. You know, if I wasn't so thoroughly happy in my own life, I might even stoop to being just a bit envious of a former colleague who's now so widely successful. Well, that is if you measure success by dollars and cents, popularity, personal fame. I'm happy for him.
Sam: What's the book about?
Frasier: Who gives a damn?

Quote from Sam

Sam: So, uh, Frasier told me that you've, uh, been baching it a long time here. It must be pretty rough, huh?
Frasier: Say, why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?
Dr. Crandell: Well, you know, she hates to travel. Besides, we decided this was a perfect opportunity to test my theories about marital fidelity. And I'm glad to say after ten months of celibacy, I can now pronounce my principle sound.
Sam: [whistles] After ten months of celibacy, I couldn't even pronounce my name.

Quote from Rebecca

Dr. Crandell: Still, I can't keep from wondering whether your subconscious may not be trying to tell us something.
Rebecca: I swear to you, Dr. Crandell...
Dr. Crandell: I mean, when I hear such facile denial, it always sets off a little alarm in my head.
Rebecca: Dr. Crandell.
Dr. Crandell: Call me Lawrence.
Rebecca: Let me make this as clear as I know how. There was no attraction when we met, or since. I felt nothing. I feel nothing. Zero, nada, zip.
Dr. Crandell: Zip. Interesting unconscious choice of word.
Rebecca: Try this word: out.
Dr. Crandell: All right, sorry. [exits]
Rebecca: Man. [knocking] I give up. You make me crazy with desire. I can't keep my hands off you! What do you want?!
Woody: Sign these invoices, and then be gentle.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Mrs. Crandell, I'm going to tell you the truth, because I feel that this has gone on too long. And as usual, I have to be the voice of reason. Forgive me for saying this, but if I were in your shoes, I would want to know. Your husband came on to me in a local bar.
Mrs. Crandell: Do you mean he propositioned you?
Rebecca: Well, he didn't exactly proposition me.
Mrs. Crandell: Well, what exactly did he do?
Rebecca: He asked me about my feelings.
Mrs. Crandell: That is his field, you know.
Rebecca: That isn't all he did. He rubbed my leg with his disgusting foot.
Sam: She never gets tired of telling this part.
Dr. Crandell: Yes, yes, I admit it. I accidentally brushed up against her leg with my foot. I apologized profusely.
Rebecca: He did not have his shoe on.
Dr. Crandell: It was hot in there. And would you believe the humiliation? A hole in my $50 hosiery.

Quote from Frasier

Dr. Crandell: Frasier.
Frasier: Larry, good to see you again.
Dr. Crandell: Good to see you.
Frasier: Have I told you how thrilled I am about the success of your book?
Dr. Crandell: Yes, you have.
Frasier: It's a fabulous book. You know, I was just thinking what a wonderful gift it would make.
Dr. Crandell: Have you read it?
Frasier: Well, no, I was hoping someone might give it to me.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: And this is Sam Malone.
Dr. Crandell: Oh, not the Sam Malone? Oh, you were a hell of a pitcher. I saw you strike out Reggie Jackson. Made him look like a fool.
Sam: Oh, well...
Dr. Crandell: I can hardly blame him for knocking you off the mound the next time up with that line drive.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: So the book's doing pretty good, huh?
Dr. Crandell: Yeah, it has been received rather well. In fact, this last review is so embarrassingly good, I should just wad it up and throw it away. But I need several hundred copies first. Is there a photocopy machine around here?
Sam: Yeah, Rebecca's got one in her office. You don't mind, do you?
Rebecca: No, help yourself.
Dr. Crandell: That's very kind of you. Any special instructions?
Rebecca: Yes, just push the blue button. It's right under the sign that says, "This machine is for photocopying documents, not your butt."

Quote from Rebecca

Dr. Crandell: Miss Howe, may I ask you something?
Rebecca: Sure.
Dr. Crandell: I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but my field is human sexual dynamics. And just now I had the strangest impression - please, tell me if I'm wrong - that something happened when you and I were introduced. I sensed some spark, some flicker of response on your part. Very subtle, but unmistakable. Was I imagining that?
Rebecca: I think so.
Dr. Crandell: Well, my mistake. I'm sure you understand.
Rebecca: Of course.
Dr. Crandell: You- You- You are aware I wasn't being judgmental?
Rebecca: Of course.
Dr. Crandell: It's the response itself that interested me. Purely as a scientist. And you are quite sure that on some very basic level, you didn't experience an undeniable attraction?
Rebecca: Positive.
Dr. Crandell: Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

Quote from Sam

Dr. Crandell: You suppose I might trouble you for two brandies, Miss Howe?
Rebecca: Ask the bartender.
Sam: Of course we can help you. Woody, uh, pour Dr. Crandell a couple of our house brand.
Woody: Two house brands on the house.
Dr. Crandell: That's very kind of you, Sam. One seldom gets to sample a good Nigerian Cognac.

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