Woody: I swear I've seen her someplace before.
Sam: Well, she asked for Rebecca. Called her Becky. Must be old friends.
Cliff: Yeah, that could explain a lot.
Carla: What's that supposed to mean?
Cliff: Well, figure it out. Rebecca, who doesn't date, suddenly has this good-looking friend show up. A slender, boyish, female friend, with whom she probably, uh, sunbathed nude somewhere, perhaps on the Isle of Lesbos.
Norm: They ever get the tests back on that dog that bit you?

Woody: I just remembered who she is. That's Susan Howe.
Sam: I know, she's Rebecca's sister.
Woody: No, the actress. I saw her in Night of the Mutants.
Carla: What, is that a movie, or your family reunion?
Woody: A movie, Carla.
Sam: I don't remember, uh, Rebecca saying anything about having a sister who was in a horror movie. Are you sure about that?
Woody: Let me check. [Woody covers his eyes with his hands] Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. You know, if she had another, smaller head growing out of her neck, I'd be positive.
Sam: I got to check this out.
Woody: Hey, ask her if they let her keep the little head.

Sam: She's missing the point. Can you imagine what the reward might be for anybody who would act as a peacemaker between these two tragically estranged but perky-bottomed sisters?
Norm: Ah. To Sammy, the man who keeps the dream alive.
Carla: Wait a minute. What makes you think you can get the both of them? It's taken you two years to get a polite kick in the teeth from number one.
Cliff: [chuckling] Carla, Carla, Carla. Am I gonna have to teach you about women?
Carla: Yeah, Cliff, why don't you?
Cliff: Nah, you better take this one, Sammy. I don't want to hog the spotlight.

Rebecca: You got to help me, Sam; come on. Come on, take a hold of her. Come on.
Sam: Oh!
Rebecca: Everybody does at least one bad thing in their life. Sam, take her hands. There. All right, now, make sure nobody sees us. [Sam whimpering] Stop being a baby!
Sam: Oh! Oh, boy, oh, boy...
Rebecca: Move.
All: Sammy!
Sam: She did it.
Carla: Boy, Sammy, when you said you were going to knock 'em off one at a time, you were serious.
Sam: Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand. I mean, she... She's real...
Susan: I'm dead. [Sam gasps] [laughter]

Sam: Guys, guys, I know I've accomplished some truly legendary feats in my day, but this this is my masterpiece. This is my Moaning Lisa.
Norm: Okay, tell me: what's the plan and how are we involved?
Sam: Well, here it is and you're not. Turns out that these two sisters are very competitive - especially when it come to guys. So all I had to do was let the little one know that the big one had the hots for me and bingo, she was eating out of my hand.
Cliff: Was she wearing a cowboy hat?
Norm: It's a figure of speech, Cliffie.
Cliff: Well, she could have been.
Sam: What I need to do now is make sure that the big one knows that the little one is interested and I will be ping-ponging between the two of them until they bury me with a smile on my face.

Carla: Oh, boy. Yeah, it's not fair. All the chicks in that family are loaded with great faces, hair, bods. What'd my family get?
Woody: Look at the bright side, Carla. Probably takes them hours to get ready every morning, whereas you look the same with or without makeup, and your hair practically combs itself.
Carla: Thanks, Woody.
Woody: Never hurts to spread a little sunshine.

Rebecca: Hey, everybody! I have a great new way to promote the bar. [others groan] No, no, no, no, you're gonna like this one; it's different. It not only demonstrates social concern, but it is also contemporary and hip. Now, Cheers is the bar that cares. Therefore, if you are not in condition to drive yourself home, we will appoint a designated driver, free of charge.
Sam: Oh, that's nice, that's really nice.
Rebecca: So is anybody a little tipsy? Come on, don't be ashamed. Does anybody feel that they might have the slightest difficulty driving themselves home?
Man: I might.
Rebecca: Well, hi. I'm Rebecca Howe. And I would be happy to drive you home myself.
Man: That's very nice of you.
Rebecca: Where do you live? Philadelphia.
Man: Well, what's your address?
Rebecca: Eh, it's a blue house; I'll know it when I see it.

Lilith: Frasier? It's time to take mother to her hair appointment.
Frasier: Oh, well, then we'd better hurry up before they run out of her special shade of blue.
Lilith: Frasier, how many times have mother and I asked you to cease and desist with the snide, cliche, battle-axe, mother-in-law jokes? You know mother's not like that.
Frasier: You're right, dear, I'm sorry. Uh, I was just trying to amuse my friends.
Norm: Geez, it wasn't very funny.
Cliff: [chuckles] Well, you-you know what was funny, when you said you could hear her perfume coming a mile away.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, or the one where you said, uh, she's had so many facelifts, if she wants to smile, she has to cross her legs.
Frasier: Lilith, you understand, it was all in-in good humor, you know.
Lilith: Of course. You know I have a sense of humor about mother. Now, say good-bye to your friends. You're grounded for six weeks.
Frasier: Shoot!

Sam: Oh. Well, so, you're, uh, you're here to see Becky, huh? How long has it been since the two of you saw each other?
Susan: Ooh, it must be three years. We had a little falling out. I only hope we're grown up enough now to kiss and make up.
Sam: Grown-up sisters, kissing and making up. That warms my cockles. [chuckles] Let's get you two gals back together, shall we?

Cliff: So, uh, what's the bone, Jerome?
Norm: Any late-breaking bulletins here?
Sam: Yeah, oh, yeah. I think I'm on to something here, fellas. Carla, you hate your sister, don't you?
Carla: Sure, why?
Sam: Well, what would I have to do to get the two of you back together again?
Carla: Simple, Sam, ask me to come down and identify her body.