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‘How to Marry a Mailman’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: How to Marry a Mailman

804. How to Marry a Mailman

Aired October 19, 1989

Cliff's old flame, Margaret O'Keefe, returns from Canada to be with him.

Quote from Cliff

Carla: Hey, Clavin, why don't you wise up? She's probably just coming over here to dump you. By the way, if I'm in the back room when she comes, would somebody call me?
Cliff: Well, you know, uh, Carla, I gave that possibility some consideration. And I figured that if that dame wanted to shove this lug in the dead-letter file, she would've 86'd me with a postcard and a 2-bit stamp.
Woody: Sam, is it me, or is Mr. Clavin starting to sound like Raymond Chandler?

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Quote from Cliff

Cliff: No, mis amigos, I know exactly what's going on in that sexy little egg-shaped head of hers. She left me lo those many months ago to pursue a career. That wasn't enough. No sirree. She wanted her man back. Heck, you've seen my bumper sticker... "letter carriers do it on foot."
Norm: Yeah, I have seen that. I always wondered what the hell it meant.
Cliff: Uh, I'm not sure. They were giving them away free.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Cliff?
Cliff: Yeah.
Lilith: Would you be interested in taking part in a university project? No, let me rephrase that. Would you be interested in being a university project?
Cliff: I really don't have a lot of time for that now, but thanks for asking.

Quote from Lilith

Cliff: I just got a very auspicious message on this miracle of modern technology.
Sam: I didn't know they made 8-track answering machines.
Cliff: Yeah, seems I got this message from Canada from a certain miss Margaret O'Keefe.
Lilith: Who's Margaret O'Keefe?
Frasier: Oh, she's a young woman with whom Cliff had a brief romantic encounter.
Lilith: If you don't want to tell me, just say so. You don't have to make things up.

Quote from Cliff

Frasier: Well, Cliff, that's a pretty big step. Outside of Margaret, have you ever had a serious relationship... Or a date?
Cliff: Yep, one time in high school... Wendy Beaman.
Sam: Wendy Beaman. What happened with Wendy?
Cliff: I asked her to go steady. She accepted. And wouldn't you know it, the very next day, I come down with this darn pesky little teenage problem.
Norm: Ah, your face broke out, huh?
Cliff: No. Hysterical blindness.
Sam: What? What did you say?
Cliff: From the Latin, blindis hystericolis.
Norm: Meaning that you couldn't see, or what?
Cliff: Well, I couldn't see whenever she was around, but once she wasn't there, I could see fine. So we got into a big argument about it, we broke up, and as soon as she ran crying out of my life, I could see clear as a bell.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: It was a total disaster, Norm. I went blind, took a header off the balcony, and fell in the pool.
Carla: OK. Pay up.
Norm: Falling in the pool was 10-to-1 odds.
Carla: Suckers.
Cliff: I'll be in the men's room drying off.
Woody: Oh, there's no towels in there, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: That's all right. I'll just stand in front of that whatchamacallit that blows hot air.
Carla: You mean the automatic Clavin.

Quote from Carla

Norm: What are you watching, Carla?
Carla: Oh, it's the end of Criminals at Large. I've been following this story for weeks. There's something about it. It's so bizarre.
Sam: A lot of these stories are that way.
Carla: Yeah, but this one's really outrageous, Sam. It's about this woman who meets men, marries them, steals everything they own, and then kills them.
Sam: What part don't you understand?
Carla: Well, for some reason, they want to arrest her.
Lilith: Not feeling at all bitter toward the opposite sex, are you, Carla?
Carla: No. Why?

Quote from Woody

Woody: Miss Howe, I don't think you'd look good with a honker that size.
Rebecca: Woody, that's the before. Here's the after.
Woody: Well, that is smaller. Now, what do they do with the leftover nose bits?
Sam: Oh, man!
Rebecca: Ah, Woody! That's just a little bit gross.
Woody: Well, that's a good question. I mean, they put pig snouts in liver sausage.
Rebecca: Oh! They do not!
Woody: Read the package.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Oh, my god. This is terrible. It's like the Wendy Beaman episode all over again. You guys got to help me. Oh, I can see shapes now. I'm coming out of it. OK, yeah, I can see Carla's face clear as a bell. Ah, what the heck, at least I can see.
Carla: That's great. Let me test your depth perception with these two fingers.
Sam: No. This is serious.
Frasier: It certainly is. Emotional crises can affect our sensory perceptions in devastating ways. I've read volumes on hysterical blindness, loss of hearing, even total loss of speech.
Carla: Clavin had to pick blindness.
Frasier: Carla, you're not helping.
Carla: I'm not trying.

Quote from Norm

Robin: I have a date with Miss Howe.
Woody: Oh, she'll be right out. Can I get you something?
Robin: Yes, I'll have a brandy... Louis XIII.
Woody: Anything for your friend?
Robin: No. He's driving.
Norm: [clears throat] Excuse me, Mr. Colcord? How do you do, sir? Remember me... Norm Peterson?
Robin: Of course. I never forget a face. You never know when a name and face may be significant in life.
Cliff: There you go. You remember me... Cliff Clavin?
Robin: Excuse me?
Norm: We were wondering, sir, when you were growing up back in England, did you get that American TV show called The Millionaire?
Robin: Uh, no, I'm sorry. I missed that. But we did get Lucy.
Cliff: Lucy! Now, there's a classic! But getting back to this Millionaire show.
Robin: I loved Bilko.
Norm: Oh, yeah.
Cliff: "Hey, Doberman, get in that Jeep!"
Norm: Anyway, this Millionaire show is is about a guy named J. Beresford Tipton, and, uh, he was an incredibly nice guy. He had tons of bucks.
Cliff: Yeah, he used to just pick people at random and give them a million dollars!
Robin: Really?
Norm: Yeah, yeah, tax free.
Cliff: Isn't that something?
Norm: Right. The thing that I didn't understand about that show was he used to give it away to strangers. It would've made so much most sense to me, and you'd probably agree with me, if he would've come to people, say, in a bar and said, "Here you are, just have a million bucks."
Cliff: Makes sense.
Robin: Yes, I could see how that could be very rewarding.
Cliff: Sure. Sure it would.
Rebecca: I'm ready!
Robin: I don't have any cash.
Norm: I got it!
Cliff: No, no, no. Cliff Clavin will buy this one. Clifford Clavin's got it, sir.
Norm: I've got a job, I'll pay for it.
Cliff: All right, Woody, how much I owe you here for the man's drink?
Woody: 75 bucks.
Norm: [to Cliff] You got it.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, guys, I've been telling you for a long time now that like the proud bird on my sleeve, I was a lone eagle. Yep. Even the eagle's got to mate once in his life. Molts in the spring. You know the female lays one to three eggs? Incubation period's about 35 days.
Margaret: [enters] Cliff!
Cliff: Thank God!

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Maggie-pants!
Margaret: Oh, Cliff, I missed you so much.
Cliff: I missed you, too. Turn around, let me have a look at you. Oh, your back bacon is makin' me achin'!
Margaret: Oh, Cliff, I dreamed of hearing you say that.

Quote from Carla

Margaret: I can't tell you how hard these months of separation have been. The men up in Canada, well, they just don't compare to you.
Cliff: Ohh.
Margaret: They're just pale, pathetic imitations of you.
Carla: Boy, that must be one butt-ugly country.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Well, I'm on my way to the plastic surgeon, but I don't know what to do. Look, I need some input. What do you think I should have done?
Frasier: Eyelids.
Norm: Tummy tuck.
Sam: Liposuction.
Frasier: Age shows first there.
Woody: Miss Howe, I'm getting tired of all this plastic surgery talk. Now, I know it may not be popular, but I'm going out on a limb and say I don't think you should change a thing. You're a beautiful woman and just about perfect the way god made you.
Rebecca: Well, Woody, nobody's perfect. There's got to be something.
Woody: Well, then your breasts.
Rebecca: Thank you, Woody.
Woody: No. Thank you.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Is Cliff here?
Woody: He's in the bathroom drying off.
Margaret: Thank God because I was so worried about him. Poor Cliff has been through so much.
Sam: Sit right here. I'll get you some coffee.
Frasier: Margaret. Uh, you should know that Cliff is a troubled, deeply disturbed, and emotionally stunted person. Now, I can say this because I'm one of his closest friends.

Quote from Woody

Norm: All right, Rebecca's back. You decide what to have the body and fender man fix?
Rebecca: I not only made the decision by myself, thank you very much, but I've already had the surgery performed on an outpatient basis.
Woody: Already? Wow, they look great.
Rebecca: Woody, he didn't work on my breasts.
Woody: Well, then, why are they so much perkier?
Rebecca: Thank you, Woody.
Woody: No. Thank you.

Quote from Frasier

Carla: [to Frasier] What's with your head?
Lilith: There was an incident in our Lamaze class.
Carla: What happened?
Frasier: Suffice it to say that Lamaze class is not the place to flirt.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: You know, the most wonderful thing just happened to me on the way over here.
Sam: And what is that?
Rebecca: I was in a car accident.
Norm: Oh, yeah. Nothing like a little broken glass and twisted metal to put the spring back in your step.
Rebecca: No. This was actually just a Fender-bender, but the bender happens to be a plastic surgeon. Now, he doesn't want me to report this to the insurance company, so he said he will give me the plastic surgery procedure of my choice. Isn't that great?
Norm: Whoo!
Carla: He'll only do one thing?
Rebecca: Uh-huh.
Carla: Report the accident.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: I'm not gonna give you any fancy build-up. I'm gonna let you listen to it just as I heard it. You can judge for yourselves. Now feel the heat.
Margaret: [on answer machine] Hi, Cliff. I just want to let you know I'll be in town tomorrow.
I hope you can make time for me. I need to see you. Bye.
Cliff: Heh? So, come on, what do you think? She's hungry for me. I can hear that little body trembling.
Sam: Cliffie, she didn't really say anything there.
Cliff: Didn't say anything? "Make time, need to see you, bye." Huh?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, guys, did you hear that? Cliff Clavin's got a girl! Sammy, give me a bottle of your best champagne! You made me the happiest man in the world! Sorry, guys. You're not gonna be seeing Cliff around here very much anymore.
Norm: Maggie, you've made me the happiest man in the world.
Cliff: Boy, just think of that... After all these years, I got myself a steady girl. I'm walking on air. I'm high as a kite. [pours champagne on the floor] I'm blind as a mole.

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