Fred: [enters] Give everybody a drink on me, Sam. [all cheer]
Sam: What's the occasion, Fred?
Frasier: My sister, Louise, died.
Coach: Congratulations. Just in the nick of time.
Fred: Oh, yeah, I was getting pretty low on funds.
Diane: What's going on?
Sam: Well, Fred here is the youngest of 12 brothers and sisters of a very wealthy family.
Fred: And I never cared for any of 'em.
Sam: Every time one of them dies, Fred here inherits all their money.
Diane: I think that's ghoulish.
Norm: Yeah. So did we, the first six or seven times.
Man: Remember the night two of 'em drove off the cliff in the fog? Talk about a party.

Sam: OK, how we doing here?
Cliff: Yeah, another one, Sam, but hold the napkin.

Ed: What do we have here? A Red Sox bar? Sorry about that, fans. Another tough one in the loss column. [laughs]
Carla: We're closed.
Ed: I just came from a classic massacre of Boston by the Yankees. Tonight on the news, you can watch the lowlights. [laughs] You know, I can't see why you people are such bad losers. You've had so much experience. [laughs]
Coach: Who do you like, the Yankees?
Ed: Another swift Bostonian. Yeah, I'm a Yankee fan. Back in the real city, they call me Big Eddie.
Carla: Pig Eddie?
Norm: Hey, pal, you made good time getting over here from Fenway. I still hear the TV tubes cooling.
Ed: Oh, I left right after the Red Sox fans had their seventh-inning wretch. [laughs]
Carla: Can I help you?
Ed: Yeah, gimme a draught. [Carla fans her towel in Ed's face] Ha ha.

Coach: Fred, another round for everybody?
Fred: No, Louise didn't have much money. But I'll be back. My 90-year-old brother, Bob, is hooked up to so many wires, you can get the Super Station on him. [laughter]
Norm: All right.
Coach: So long, Freddie!
Norm: Tell him we'll be thinking of him during the next electrical storm.

Sam: C'mon, everybody, take it easy. We're trying to run a nice, friendly bar here.
Coach: Come on, everybody. Sit back, relax, read a napkin. [laughs]

Sam: You all right?
Ed: I think I'd better get this looked at.
Coach: Right. There's a doctor lives right near here.
Ed: No, I was thinking something more on the lines of an attorney.
Coach: Oh. Here's a guy, he's excellent.
Sam: Coach.
Ed: No, thanks, I got my own, and he's damn good.

Ed: Listen, Sam, you're legally responsible for the actions of your employees. You know that, don't you?
Sam: She got carried away. It was a stupid mistake. I'm sorry.
Ed: Mistake? That was an assault in front of witnesses.
Coach: Hey, I didn't see anything. I still don't.
Ed: Hey, listen, Sam, I ain't got nothing against you, you run a clean bar. Fire her and I'll forget the whole thing.
Sam: Ah, come on. Look, there must be some other way to settle this.
Ed: Yeah? What d'you suggest?
Sam: Well, I certainly think an apology's in order. Don't you, Carla?
Carla: Hey, I'm willing to listen.
Ed: Listen, Sam, you fire her, or I'm gonna take everything you got.
Sam: Well, that's it, happy hour is over.

Sam: Carla, look, you have a history of being...
Diane: ...abusive with customers.
Sam: I'll handle this. A history of being abusive with customers.

Diane: Uh, this friend mentioned to me one time that he has a therapy group for people who - I hope you'll forgive me - for people who can't control their tempers.
Carla: You think I'm wacko.
Diane: Nobody used the word "wacko". Now, you don't have to be wacko to see a psychologist. Perfectly normal, happy people consult psychologists. In fact, get ready to laugh, I have consulted him professionally myself. [laughs]
Carla: Are you one of his better jobs?

Coach: So, Ed's coming over?
Sam: Yeah, he's on his way.
Coach: When was he last here, Sam?
Sam: Three weeks.
Coach: Gee, then he's seen the napkins.