Sam: You got something funny there, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, Sam, this salesman came by this morning with these new napkins. Read that one. It's terrific.
Sam: This isn't funny.
Coach: Well, that's not the funniest. Read some of the others.
Sam: What others?
Coach: Oh, here. I bought 30 gross. Take your pick.
Sam: 30 gross of two hunters saying, "Did I hear a buck snort?"
Coach: No, no. They're all different, Sam. Well, I'll be darned. That salesman. But two bucks snorting is funny every time. [laughs]
Sam: You should've asked me before you did this, Coach.
Coach: Gee, I'm sorry, Sam. I was sure you were gonna love 'em. These things are real conversation starters.
Sam: No, this is not a conversation starter.
Man: You seen these awful napkins?
Cliff: Yeah. They stink.
Coach: See what I mean? The place is a-buzz.

Carla: Here's your drinks. Go, Red Sox!
Man: Miss, which drink is which here?
Carla: What does this look like, the Pepsi Challenge?
Diane: Sam, Carla's getting her drinks mixed up because she's watching that silly game.
Carla: Snitch face! You know, if you'd tried that at St Clete's School for Girls, we'd have given you a pink belly that glowed in the dark.
Sam: I'd kinda like to see that.

Carla: You homesick for the Bronx?
Ed: Yeah.
Carla: Here. [blows a raspberry]
Diane: You'll have to forgive Carla, she gets overemotional at times. But please bear in mind, you are in an alien camp. Tact is perhaps your wisest recourse.
Ed: What did you get, a vocabulary for Christmas?
Diane: How'd you like to take a flying leap up a knuckle sandwich?
Ed: Huh?
Diane: Well, you gather my inference.

Ed: As I recall, you had a darned good hard slider. And here you are schlepping drinks? The great Sam "Maybe" Malone.
Norm: Hey, hey, hey. That is "Mayday".
Ed: Let me buy you a drink, Sam.
Sam: No, thanks.
Ed: Come on, I didn't mean all that stuff about your ball club. C'mon, have a drink.
Sam: I don't drink.
Ed: A ball player that don't drink?
Coach: He doesn't drink any more. That's it.
Ed: Oh, that's- That's what happened. And I thought you just lost it. [laughs]
Coach: Hey, he licked his booze problem three years ago.
Ed: Hey, what was it like pitching at two guys at the same time? [laughs] What was it like coming in with bases loaded, and so were you?
[Carla screams as she runs up and jumps Ed before pounding his face into the bar]

Coach: Sam, this is Carla we're talking about.
Sam: I know it's Carla we're talking about, Coach!
Diane: Excuse me. May I make a suggestion?
Coach: Sure, honey, go ahead. What?
Diane: Well, I have a very close friend who is a clinical psychologist.
Coach: That could work.
Sam: What could work?
Coach: Well, I don't know, Sam, give the kid a chance to talk.

Sam: Carla, it might do you a lot of good.
Carla: Now you think I'm crazy.
Sam: No, I think you're a person with a lot of anger inside.
Carla: Yeah? Well, stick it!
Sam: C'mon, would you?
Carla: Look, I grew up on Federal Hill with six older brothers and sisters. I mean, I worked all my life to get this mean. Now you're telling me I have to learn nice?

Sam: Carla, I'm giving you one more chance. Take it.
Carla: OK. Look, if I go see Whitey's shrink, will you let me stay on?
Sam: Show me you're serious, get some help, and I'll keep you on.
Carla: Thanks, Sam.
Sam: Come on, let's go home.
Coach: Oh, this is great! I mean, just great. A minute ago, everything seemed so hopeless. I thought we were gonna lose Carla forever. All of a sudden, it's all turned around. I feel wonderful.
Sam: All we need worry about now is Eddie taking my bar.
Coach: That didn't last long.

Diane: I'm sorry, pre-law was after literature and before psycho- No, wait, I'm wrong again. Indian studies totally slipped my mind. How could I forget that? It changed my life.

Carla: Hey, Ed, gimme a break. I mean, I've been working damn hard and I'm better.
Ed: Yeah?
Carla: Yes.
Ed: Boston stinks. [Carla turns away and stands perfectly still with a distant expression on her face] This bar stinks.
Sam: [to the crowd] No, it's all right.
Ed: You're a crummy waitress.
Sam: Now, wait a minute.
Dr. Graham: No, let it go. [to Carla] You're doing wonderfully.
Coach: Hang in there, Carla.
Ed: You're short. You're obnoxious. You're a terrible dresser!
Carla: That's low.
Ed: Sam Malone was a terrible pitcher! Ted Williams was overrated! Bobby Orr was a wimp!
Sam: Uh, Eddie, I'd stay away from hockey.
Ed: Ah-ha! I hit a soft spot, huh? OK. The Bruins are a bunch of ugly, stupid sissies!
Sam: C'mon, Ed, I mean, how much more do you need?
Ed: OK, Sam. I'm gonna drop the whole thing. [Carla cheers] Working here is punishment enough.

Sam: See, Carla is seeing a therapist. She's trying to work things out. She wants to be the kind of waitress that you'd enjoy being waited on by.
Diane: You just ended that sentence with two prepositions.
Sam: Don't you have customers to deal with?
Diane: That ended with a preposition, too.
Sam: Don't you have customers to deal with, mullet-head?