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‘The Guy Can't Help it’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Guy Can't Help it

1125. The Guy Can't Help it

Aired May 13, 1993

Rebecca finally looks past her obsession with wealthy men she meets a repair man, Don (Tom Berenger), at the bar. Meanwhile, Sam is encouraged to think about whether his playboy past is keeping him from settling down.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, where the hell is this guy? He said he'd be here in 15 minutes. It's been nearly 20. Doesn't he realize this is an emergency?
Sam: Hey, calm down, will you Norm? He'll be here.
Norm: Well, it's a hell of a world we live in, Sam. We can put a man on the moon okay, but we can't get a beer tap repairman here in a reasonable amount of time.
Sam: Norm, sit down! Just relax. Why, why don't you have a, have a bottle of beer?
Norm: [scoffs] Yeah, right, a bottle. It's just not the same, Sam.
Woody: Well, I'm sure Mr. Clavin would let you have some of his beer.
Cliff: Well, I'm afraid not, Woody. No, no, you see, we, we knew that the taps were gonna be out of service for a while, Sam made an announcement. So I took a moment to figure out that if I take just a little sip every now and again, it would last until the repairman fixes yon tap. But, when I suggested the strategy to Mr. Peterson, he called me well, what was it you called me again, Norm?
Norm: Bozo.
Cliff: Right. I'm a bozo. I'm, uh, gonna go to the men's room now, okay. Excuse me.
Norm: Oh, right, and you're gonna take your beer with you? Come on, Cliff. We've been friends for 15 years. I'm so pathetic, you think I'm gonna steal my best friend's beer, huh?
Cliff: Yeah, you're right, Normie. I trust you.
[As Cliff saunters off to the bathroom, Norm downs his beer]
Norm: Bozo.

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Quote from Frasier

Sam: Have you noticed that, uh, someone in this bar is getting a little looney?
Frasier: Sam, everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to beyond looney.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Carla, strictly hypothetically, would you marry me?
Carla: Sammy, that's a stupid question.
Sam: Well, I know it is.
Carla: Not in a million years!
Sam: What?
Carla: Oh, Sammy. Nobody loves you as much as I do. But I know you! You know, we'd be taking our wedding vows, and you'd be checking out the bridesmaids. You're a hound. I can't marry a hound.
Sam: Hey, I thought we had something special going on between us.
Carla: Definitely, we do. I just always thought that I'd be the woman you cheated on your wife with. Call me a hopeless romantic.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Honey, that smells of desperation. You don't- You don't need that. You deserve the greatest guy in the world. Oh, God. Oh, God. I don't believe I'm about to say this. Sit down, sit down. Listen, I've been doing a doing a lot of thinking recently about marriage and settling down and stuff.
Rebecca: Yeah?
Sam: [chuckles] I can't believe this. My hands are sweating.
Rebecca: Come on, Sam, go on with what you were saying.
Sam: Oh I... I just think that you and I...
Rebecca: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You're not saying what I think you're saying, are you?
Sam: You know, I think there's a chance for you and me if...
Rebecca: If... If what?
Sam: All right, all right, here goes... If, in the next couple of years, the right woman doesn't come along, you're on the top of a very short list. [off Rebecca's look] I know, I can't believe I'm saying this, either!
Rebecca: God, this is incredible. This... Y- You are saying that you will marry me if someone better doesn't come along?
Sam: Is it mind-blowing or what?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, all right, okay, okay. But if it does bother you, you're perfectly capable of making a change. You can reinvent Sam Malone. You know, this could be a turning point for you in your life. Listen, I'm going to write down the number of a man. His name is Dr. Robert Sutton. And he has a therapy group for sexual compulsives.
Sam: Well, what are- What are you saying? I'm hooked on sex?
Frasier: [chuckles] Well, let's face it Sam. It consumes you. Look, be honest. How long do you think you could go without thinking about sex?
Sam: As long as I want. Fine, go ahead. Time me.
Frasier: All right, start now.
Sam: How long was that?
Frasier: About a second.
Sam: Well, is, is that normal?
Frasier: For a rabbit!

Quote from Sam

Dr. Sutton: We've just been going around the room, telling a little bit about ourselves. And why don't we continue with you? Let's start with your name. First name only, please.
Sam: All right, uh, [clears throat] My name is Steve.
All: Hi, Steve.
Sam: Uh, well, uh, I'm... I'm starting off on the wrong foot, here. Uh, my real name is not Steve. It's Bob.
All: Hi, Bob.
Sam: I can't believe I'm doing this. l, uh... I'm really embarrassed. My name isn't Bob, either. It's, uh, it's Sam. [silence] No, really, it is. It's Sam.
All: Hi, Sam.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hi. My name is Carla.
Don: Hi. Don.
Carla: Yeah, I know, I read it off your left pec. If you, uh, have anything else written on your body, I'm looking for something to read in bed.
Sam: Will you let the man do his job please, Carla?
Carla: I know Braille.

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Oh, say, Rebecca, maybe I misunderstood you earlier. I thought the purpose of your trip wasn't to snare a husband.
Rebecca: Well, of course it wasn't.
Woody: Why'd you go?
Rebecca: Woody, I was very clear about why I went before I left. Don't you remember?
Woody: No.
Rebecca: I said that I went to find myself, to look myself square in the eye and find out who I really was, yada, yada, yada.
Woody: Oh, yeah. I remember the yada, yada, yada part.
Rebecca: Half way through the trip, I realized something- that my life is doo-doo.
Woody: Please, Miss Howe. You may have used that kind of language at sea, but we're not in the boiler rooms among sailors.

Quote from Rebecca

Frasier: Rebecca, excuse me for interrupting, but may I ask you a question? Do you listen to yourself?
Rebecca: Well, sometimes.
Frasier: All right, not two minutes ago, you announced to the bar that you were opening yourself up to men from any walk of life. Now, that man seems attractive, decent, and most of all, interested in you. You're lonely, desperate, and if the bloom isn't off the rose just yet, you can certainly hear pruning shears approaching.
Rebecca: He is kind of cute, isn't he? Actually, he's just what I was describing. Can you belie- Is that just like me or what? It's like, I'm just standing here blathering on and on and on and on and on, while opportunity is just passing me by... It's like life is a parade.
Frasier: Rebecca! Rebecca, fetch!
Rebecca: Oh, sorry, yoo-hoo, Mr. Burley Working Type Guy, hold up a second.

Quote from Rebecca

Carla: Look at her, throwing herself at him. No class. No class at all.
Rebecca: I just went on a service call with Don. He was unplugging a drain. We got to... We got to... We got to eat out of his lunch pail, and then I got to hand him his tools out of his tool belt.
Carla: He wears a tool belt? Oh, man, why don't you just spit on my grave.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Well, it's nice seeing you guys have fun like that.
Rebecca: Oh, yeah. And you know what's different about Don? It's like I'm not always thinking about my next move. You know, the less I work at it, the better it seems to get. So I'm just gonna take it nice and easy, nice and slow, you know, one step at a time, I'm not gonna fall too hard or too fast. God, I love him! I love him so much! Do you know what I'm saying?
Sam: [falsetto] Yes, you love him!
Rebecca: Yes! There's even talk of marriage.
Cliff: Marriage?!
Rebecca: Yeah.
Sam: He- He talked about marriage?
Rebecca: Well, he says it with his eyes. And you know what, l, I just have to say that if, if he did ask me to marry him right now, I think that I would have to say yes.
Sam: Honey, don't- You want to step into my office just for a second?
Rebecca: Sure, Sam. Looky! Looky! Looky! Looky!

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know the idea of romantic love is a relatively new phenomenon.
Norm: Yeah.
Cliff: In olden cultures, wives were no more than chattel. They'd parade the women through the marketplace dressed in nothing but flimsy, tight-fitting animal skins with their breasts heaving and undulating in the...
Norm: Cliff, I don't want to hear anymore of this, okay?
Cliff: Anybody who wants to hear the rest of the story, uh, follow me in the pool room, please.
Norm: Go ahead, Paul. You know you want to.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Now, Sam, I appreciate this but I'm a big girl. And you know what? I think I'm gonna go for it.
Sam: All right, okay, but you're settling.
Rebecca: Settling? No way.
Sam: Honey, come on. Look, you've had bad luck with men all your life. You're afraid you're never gonna get married, so you're latching onto the first guy that gives you the time of day.
Rebecca: That is absolutely, categorically not true!
Sam: Yes, it is.
Rebecca: So what? Is it not better that I settle and I have someone than stick to my high standards and have no one and end up an old maid?

Quote from Sam

Sam: Yeah, I'm talking about Rebecca. You know, I'm a little worried about her.
Frasier: Well, how so?
Sam: Well, she made up this weird story about how no one would want to marry me because, you know, I've had a lot of women in my day.
Frasier: What exactly do you find weird about that?
Sam: Don't say you agree with her?
Frasier: Well, she has a point, Sam. Having a prolific sexual past can be very intimidating and even unattractive to a potential mate.
Sam: Well, you're as crazy as she is, Frasier! Come on, man, you know, the woman I choose is going to feel very special. You know, like when a great chef picks the perfect pork chop?
Frasier: That's beautiful, Sam.

Quote from Norm

Sam: I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life. You know, and I think I need a little advice.
Norm: Well, well, hold on a second. Is this going to be one of those conversations where you're feeling sort of vulnerable and you really need a good friend to talk to 'cause you're thinking about changing the direction of your life?
Sam: Yeah.
Norm: Could you just hang on a second, then? Just...
Paul: Norm said you wanted to talk to me?

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