Carla: No emotional appeal here, Sam. This is a purely intellectual argument. You let this bar go gay, you are gonna have to hire male waitresses. Right? That means I'm out on the street, and I'm not gonna be able to feed little... [holds baby bump] Sammy Tortelli. He kicked. What? Ssh, ssh, ssh. What's that he's trying to say there? [high-pitched voice] I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Please don't let Sammy do this to us.
Sam: Thanks for keeping emotions out of it.
Coach: I think it's a trick, Sam.

Sam: Hi, fellas.
Man #1: Hi, Sam. What's going on?
Sam: Well, I've got a little bit of a problem. Maybe you can help me out. See, I'm the owner of this bar.
Man #2: Yeah, we know. We read the article in the newspaper.
Sam: Oh, right. Right.
Man #2: That took a lot of guts.
Man #1: It really did.
Sam: Yeah. Uh...
Man #1: So what's your problem?
Sam: As a matter of fact, I don't have a problem. Coach, get these guys a beer on the house.
Coach: Right, Sam.

Diane: Carla Tortelli, Tom Kenderson.
Tom: Carla, nice to meet you.
Carla: [falls into his arms] I love you, Tom Kenderson. Look, here's my number and a couple of quotes from past lovers.
Tom: Uh, thank you, Carla.
Sam: Carla, come here, sweetheart.
Carla: Sam, he breathed on me, Sam. I'm a whole woman.
Sam: Coach, get her a seltzer.

Tom: Sam, did you read my book last night?
Sam: No, I didn't get a chance. I'm sorry.
Tom: I really wish you had.
Sam: Did you put in that flight to Kansas City when we jumped in the garment bag with two stewardesses?
Tom: Yeah, that's there, but-
Sam: Well, then I'll die happy, I'm fine. Listen, let's get you famous here, all right?

Cliff: Look, look, look. Sammy, look, I've got a simple solution to this whole problem. You just go up to the guys and politely ask them to leave, and everything is back to normal.
Diane: Sam would never do that. Would you, Sam? [off Sam's look] No.
Sam: I'm not sure. These guys are my regulars. If I lose them, I lose my bar. And if single women stop coming in here, I have no reason to live.

Diane: OK, well, let me speed-read this sucker. And then we can talk.
Sam: How long is that gonna take?
Diane: Ssh. I'm on chapter four.

Carla: Say it ain't so, Tom. Say it ain't so.

Norm: Uh, pardon me, man, where are these photos gonna run?
Photographer: I don't know. Mostly local papers.
Norm: Uh-oh.
Cliff: What's the matter?
Norm: Same thing's going to happen at Cheers that happened at Vito's Pub.
Men: Uh-oh.

Sam: I don't believe that stuff. Bars don't turn gay overnight.
Norm: You don't have to believe me. I have scientific proof. Cliff?
Cliff: It happened.
Norm: See?

Diane: Sam, there's an emergency in the back room.
Sam: What?
Diane: I, uh... I found holes in the pool table.
Sam: Yeah. Will you excuse me? Some chick wants to see me. I can't get rid of 'em. [laughs] You guys know how it is. So, honey, you can't go in the back room without me?
Diane: Shut up.